New and Tired

[otherworldlyuniverse]

I am bottling up all of my emotions inside and I am an awful person that just doesn't seem to learn. My parents are tired of it and I just want to end myself so I don't hurt them anymore. I have no one to talk to because I have been isolated from my team and I don't know if I trust my boyfriend anymore. He might share how I feel with them. They think I only say I'm going to kill myself for attention. They think I need too much attention and I just want to talk to somebody. I feel so alone and I don't trust people at school because I've learned that anyone can turn on you. I'm 17 and I want my life to be over. I don't care that my boyfriend told me I have so much more. I feel trapped in my own house. I am scared to talk to people because I feel like a monster. So much has happened in my family and now I am lost. I feel so stupid but suicide seems like my only way out.

[Golfer15]

Hi, Im sure you arent stupid. You have a real illness. Have you been to see your doctor. He/she will send you to talk to a professional and put you on medication. You need to be kind to yourself and not be to hard on yourself. You are very important and are just as important as anybody. I suffer with depression too but it has taken me years to understand how I feel and how to cope. I attend a gym, listen to music, go for walks amongst other things. You can cope with these feelings and please dont ever think about suicide.

David x

[otherworldlyuniverse in reply to Golfer15]

Thank you. I used to be on ADHD medications but they made me so sick that I stopped. I run to cope with stress(on the cross country and track team). I have been through mood swings because of female issues(and am on a small dose of medication to manage that), but it's so frustrating sometimes. I know suicide is never a way out, but I sometimes I feel so desperate that it seems like the only option. I know I would hurt others but it sometimes doesn't register in my head. It's stressing me out and I feel like my whole life is crashing down. My performance in school and running is suffering and I can't seem to get a grasp on my emotions. I feel so out of control and like I can't share it with anyone because they'll say it's all in my head. I don't understand why some people can just handle so much but when I try to handle more than one thing it all falls. I just ant to be a functioning member of my family and not pick fights with my parents. They have one year left with me and I don't understand why I'm being so stubborn. I'e sat through countless lectures and I don't get why the messages never stick. I just want to be a better kid to them and I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like something inside me keeps refusing to listen but I want to listen. I don't know if this is just part of being a teenager or what, but I am tired of it.

[Golfer15 in reply to otherworldlyuniverse]

Oh dear you sound in a bad way. You must try and talk to someone. Yes maybe part of the way you think is being a teenager but I think you just need to try not to be so hard on yourself. You must have a special friend at school you can talk to. Can you see the doctor to try to get some different medication for your ADHD. You must get some meds and someone to talk to.

Take care

David x

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Golfer15]

Sorry to butt in on message but just wanted to say hello to David. It is lovely to see familiar people on the forum. This is Gemma. Just wanted to say hello and hope you remember me. X

[Golfer15 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemma, how are you. I'm still trying to cope with depression but I have many strategies in place. One of the things I do to help me is voluntary work and I have been trying to support others with mental health issues. Do you know the charity Time To Change. Hope you are keeping well.

David x

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Golfer15]

Hi David, yes I have heard of Time to Change. Myself I also do voluntary work. I am just coping at the mo but seeing familiar faces/people on the site definately helps, so you have helped me this evening. X

[Golfer15 in reply to Stilltrying_]

As you say there are quite a few new names here these days. Good to hear from you. X

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello otherworldlyuniverse, welcome to this caring community. As you have begun to find folks on here are very understanding and will often share similar experiences, and can advise. I presume from what you have said that you are not based in the UK? I back up what has been said though, that you are not alone, and that it is really important for you to discuss how you are feeling with your regular doctor. You can have a discussion about your medications (do they know you no longer take your medication for ADHD?), access psychological therapies etc. If you are feeling in crisis and suicidal, do seek urgent medical help, and keep a note of the Crisis support helplines in our Pinned Posts section. This is a friendly community, but as an anonymous, online forum we are no substitute for professional medical advice and help. Please stay safe. When negative thoughts persist and spiral downwards, it's hard to keep an objective perspective. Feelings come and go, depression fluctuates. But you need to get the right kind of help now to help you move on from this dark place.

Keep in touch. Stay safe!

[shurdygirl09]

Hey Sweetie How are You? You know Suicide isn't the answer and you have already admitted this even tho st this present time it Feels the only way out it's not. Have you reached out to any of the helpline where you can talk and talk with no judgement and are very good listeners. I think you are holding so much inside of yourself that you need to release before you can get some peace. How your feeling isn't your fault so don't be blaming yourself, We can't control what happens to us health wise . Please reach out to someone even if it's your own Dr. Please let me know how your getting on . Take care xx