Hi my name is Debbie, My partner of 15 years left me two week ago while i was away for the weekend staying at my sons. I came home and he had moved out. My pain is unbearable and the loneliness is numbing. We have had minimal contact but in the last week he has come and stayed the night twice and we slept together, a huge mistake on my part for allowing this to happen. The last time he came i sadly saw in the morning that he had love bites on his neck, something i hadnt noticed the night before when he turned up. Why is he doing this to me. Its like he came just to rub salt into my wounds. Im heartbroken.

8 Replies

  • Hey Doornbos, Oh I am so sorry for your pain right now. I know that feeling all too well and I know how crippling it can be. it is almost impossible that the world goes on as normal when your world has been ripped apart and torn. There are so many emotions you are going through right now, they are probably rushing around in your head, your stomach and knees. Every little task is a mountain and all you can do is try not to fall into the abyss of misery. 15 years is a long time and you are more than safe in a relationship like that. You are comfortable, secure, safe and you lean on the fact that it is solid and reliable. When that is ripped away, there are several aspects of your life that changes, it is not only about the individual, but about everything you trusted to be solid in your life. It is a real grieving moment. You are grieving the actual loss of a partner, but also the loss of a future you had imagined together. You feel you have lost a part of yourself and what identified you for so long. You are surrounded by your life together, but it does not exist anymore. You look around now in the home and nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. It is sudden and shocking. Please give yourself the permission to go through the emotions you are feeling. This is a new and scary place to be and you are not meant to just get on with it. You will go through this for a while yet, which is totally OK and normal. Don't put a deadline on when you are going to be OK, let your body lead. Perhaps you have a friend who can stay with you or a child? just to fill the emptiness and make sure you are OK and eat. You know, the immediate things. Then, once it is clear this is permanently over (which it may already be) there is only one thing to do: move on. You said he stayed a couple of nights after the break up. Look, don't feel embarrassed about that, i did that too and it is understandable. in that state of shock and denial you will do anything to get back into that safe place, to hope that it was all a bad dream and to have him close again. I get that, we all do. But you realise that was a mistake so now you really have to move on. if I could give you one piece of advise...don't linger. Don't do the whole "maybe if I do X or say Y he will change his mind". You are better than that. Don't play his games, don't let him in, don't go begging. he decided to leave, so leave. There is no eating the cake and having it. he needs to feel that too. And you have other things to do now, like looking after yourself, which he is not invited to. be strong, be patient and breathe. Distract yourself as much as you can and just let time pass. he will become more and more irrelevant every week until you can think of him without even flinching. he has broken you into pieces, how dare he, and you have every right to be very very angry with him. use that anger to armour yourself and go your own way. let us know how you are holding up love, Big Hugs Xx

  • Hi Dragon tears, thank you so much for your advice. Even though it has been a few weeks, about 3 and a half to be exact, it still hurts like hell. I just hate feeling like this and am trying so hard to get over it. Living alone doesn't help much as the loneliness kills me too.

  • Oh 3.5 weeks is still really raw and fresh. it must be hurting on so many levels and even the smallest task is probably a mountain right now. Every silent moment you think of him and question everything. I totally understand that the loneliness can feel crippling. it is so far away from what you are used to. All the comfort and security has been ripped away at once.

    I remember when I was in your situation, I did the worst thing you can do, blame myself. Looking back and also looking at others in the same situation, it is crazy how our brains are so desperate for a "logical" explanation, that we are happy to blame ourselves. I really hope you are not doing the "if I would have been more xyz, then he would not have left/been unfaithful" Thinking like that is not only BS but soul destroying too. His actions do not reflect on you.

    This new and weird situation you find yourself in now might feel strange and scary, but you will start to find it familiar. Try to create your own space and home the way you want it without having to have to compromise with anyone. Once the pain and hurt dulls a little, you can start seeing the possibilities too. You can lift your head and see further than him. See new horizons and other ways of living and enjoying life. You just have to shake the old ways and do things differently, it can be quite exiting too.

    The pain of the loss is going to be there yet for a while, so don't try to apply any deadlines. It will take as long as it takes. All you can do is to stay firm in your decision and not let him worm his way back in. he won't change, it is a time old story. There is someone out there who will love you for exactly who you are and that is what you deserve. Give him a chance :)

    Hang in there, things will get better, I promise!

    Big Hugs Xx

  • Hi Dragon Tears, Thanks for your inspiring words. Every day is still a really big struggle but it just seems to get an inch better each day, although i still have the occasional really bad day when i can't even get out of bed. I'm battling on though as i realize i just have to. Sometimes the rawness and pain is just so intense but i try really hard to have positive thoughts about my future. anyway thanks again for your kind words, and i will keep you updated with how i'm doing.

  • He's doing this coz your allowing him to,cut him out of your life!!! Yes I know it will be extremely hard but you deserve so much more than someone who can do this to you,He doesn't have respect for you and why would he when he leaves you but you just have him back,show him that you was a fool to have him back by not letting him in again and believe me he'll be back because he thinks he can dump you then go back for a bit of fun NO your better than that and it's time to show him,even though it hurts put a smile on your face whenever you see him and let him think you've moved on even though it will be killing you inside,look up Charles Orlando, He has great sayings like...if he keeps ringing you it's probably because you keep answering his calls and...if your sick of being a door mat then get off the floor ECT, Your ex man really doesn't deserve you x

  • Hi Angel, Thank you for your supportive words. Yes even though it hurts like hell sill, i am realizing that after 15 years together, a decent man would not even look at another women, or in his case, his 18 year old girlfriend.

  • Hey, I don't have any helpful advice, but I wanted to say that I'm really sorry you are in the situation you are in! That must be very difficult to handle, but you'll make it through this! Don't give that jerk your time anymore, he is sooo not worth it. Focus on you :) you're worth it.

  • Hi Elliot, thank you for your kind words. It is extremely painful but i am trying really hard to be positive.

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