stuck!

[krystalbella]

hey dont really know how this works but thought id give it a go.....nothing to loose right!

so ive struggled with depression for about 6 years now and most of the time i cope with venlafaxine and its sort of smooth sailing onwards , however every 8 months or so i have a huge break down and ofcourse i go to the drs up my pills evrythings ok again.

however a few times ive mannaged to wean my self of them but always eneded bk on them at some point, nthis time my dr wanted to try me with setraline ( low dose)

not many side affects but didnt seem to be doing anything apart from making me feel numb to any feeling or emotion. ive stopped taking them but cant get an appointment at the gp for a month!! (shocking i know) .

my depression seems to be directly triggered to my parents although im not putting blame on anyone its my own messed up mind,

9 years ago i got with my partner (still together now) and they dint approve due to his ethnicity although i was very happy.

my relationship with my parents disintegrated and i ended up living in a homeless hostel as that was the choice i was given or id have to end my relationship.

anywhooo best time of my life!!! independent at 18 friends boyfriend and having lots of fun!! but of course i still was pyning to have a relationship back with my parents but never got back to how it was.

Once my first child was born things went from bad to worse the racial abuse got much worse my partner was no longer willing to give them anymore chances and neither was i especially since having a child. i was diagnosed with depression and im guessing its due to this as in my fairy tale fantasies everyone would get on and be one big happy family LOL!!

first year of having no contact with them included racial prank calls etc

we moved cities and started a fresh, we now have two boys (madness)

i have a good job made new friends and of course life isnt without its struggles but were happy, really happy!

newyear 2016 my mum was asking my sister for me to give them another chance , they are sorry etc and me being me always seeing the best and believing people deep down are good gave them another chance it lasted exactly a year!! (why am i even shocked)

ofcourse the relationship will never be the same after 5 years of 0 contact but i always felt like i was making more effort even though they drive ect. i would travel on the train with two kids to see them try and plan things to do and i was fine with this to a certain extent any way a year on for no reason they stop calling or visiting us even when my son had been in hospital 4 times with asthma as he couldn't breathe.

they hate the father of my children for what ever excuse they my give its the colour of skin!

I have to have this as my final lesson now and cant give anymore chances my boys are getting older and i cant risk them being part of that mess.

i understand you cant force someone to have a relationship with you but it just makes me soooooo angry and depressed and suicidal worthless the list goes on!!!

CURRENTLY HAVING A BREAK DOWN

feel im only carrying on as dont want me committing suicide to affect my childeren`s mental health and ofcourse there dad too, i love them all so much they are the only reason i keep going

[sweetiepye]

Dear Krystal, Children who come from dysfunctional families never give up the hope that one day their parents will see the light and the love will pour fourth. It almost never happens. You need to let go of that fantasy, it's pulling you down , and you are concentrating on them instead of your partner and children. Your little family is where the love is coming from. Consider how lucky you are to have that. It is obvious to me that you have more than tried to fix this relationship, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your parents made this decision the day they rejected your partner. I have always looked at it this way, if one of my children love someone then there is something worth loving in that person. I'm sure they will try again but I would never trust them, I would keep my children away from them. I know how harsh this sounds, but at some point you have to stop giving them power over you.Let me know how you are getting on. Pam

[krystalbella in reply to sweetiepye]

Youve hit the nail on the head with your first sentence, i think i have alot questions why, as being a parent myself i could never do that to my child or grandchilderen, i feel like im more hurt by my mum aswell because she is always upset about her dysfunctional relationship with her mother and how her mum always chose men over her kids but i feel like she just goes with whatever my dad says. The time we made up i explained this to her and she said shed never forgive her self for just going along with my dad and how she would never do that again but here we are ! but im never going to get an answer and its not going to help either way.

i dont want to have that wanting in me i wish my mind was strong enough to just move on but i find my self in this downward spiral every so often eEvn if i see a photo of them on facebook or hear my other siblings are spending time with them and its not that im jealous im really not but i do feel its unfair and why me type questions.

my family always seem to say im stuck up too but its because ive got my self a good job and me and my partner have had no choice but to struggle and work hard to raise our kids and work all by our self but it seems if i was to be rowing or screaming and shouting at people all the time they`d accept me more, they even tell me im different to all of them and they say i t like its a good thing but then they seem to be bitter i dont understand anyone that knows me doesnt think im stuck up i dont judge anyone for whatever path they choose in life because i dont know their story behind it i think my life experience of living in hostel has helped me not judge people.

i work in a dental surgery and i find my self thinking about older women , aww i bet shes a nice mum she looks like shed give good hugs , i told this to my partner the other day even i thought i sounded crazy lol.

and i truly am so happy and great full for all i have in life my children partner work friends etc and i know people have so much more going on and don`t complain but i feel like my mind is broke and it cant be fixed.

i feel this has helped you lovely people taking time out of your day to tell me that its them and not me and all the good things i have, for ssome reason a stranger telling you makes you believe it more.

thank you so much xxx

[Hidden]

Krystal Please for your own mental health and for the future of your little family stop trying to change your parents. To me it's very simple you don't have to like your child's partner but you do have to show respect for your child's choices especially when children are involved. I am not sure what the issue is your parents have it could be his colour the fact their grandchildren are mixed race or as simple as it wouldn't matter who it was because that person makes you happy and when push comes to shove you know where your loyalties lay. To be honest it doesn't really matter they have made their choice. You clearly have a partner who loves you deeply and two beautiful children they are your priority now. You also gave your parents a second change which you didn't have to do and they choose to do the same again. You can't change that and you have to accept that and move on as best as you can. You have done nothing wrong they have and whilst we would all love to think our parents will always be there to support us sometimes for whatever reason they can't or wont. Look at it as a blip you still have all you had before they reappeared and was doing well so you can again. But most importantly you are NOT worthless you have lots of people in your life to show that is not the case. Most importantly you have your children and they need their mum to help show them how to deal with all that life throws at them. To show them sometimes people can be mean but you know what as long as eel have each other we can get through anything. Please don't try and change people that don't want to change spend time with the people that love you and you love and respect your life choices. We can not pick our parents but we can choose our family and family doesn't have to be blood.

I understand feeling suicidal I do as I battle that every day too. I get through it by thinking of the good things I have my children my grand daughter and the little grand daughter I am waiting to met. I'm not gonna lie it's not easy and no matter what anyone says it's not about being selfish it's complete and consuming pain and not knowing how to deal with it. But we both have so much to live for even though it may not always feel like it. They are just two people out of so many in your life that can not see past the nose on the end of their face and it's there lose ultimately not yours. Please please believe that if nothing else. It is their lose.

Sending you so much love

Kelly

[krystalbella in reply to Hidden]

thank you kelly for replying it really means alot, and even though i dont want a relationship with them because of the way they are, it still leaves questions why and longing for that relationship and any contact from them via family members passing on messages etc seems to trigger it all off .

im happy with everything else in my life and truly great-full for my kid and partner and wish my mind would just get over it but at the same time i can control my behavior physically but mentally its in control of me.

hopefully one day ill be strong enough.

thank you so much xx

enjoy your granddaughters kelly xxx

[sweetiepye in reply to krystalbella]

It does seem like Mum is saying she would have been different if it weren't for Dad. The thing is people do what they want to do, not what they say they want. You can promise a person anything in hind sight.That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care, she just cares more for herself, and you were cheated of the kind of relationship we all need with our Mums. You have managed to make a life for yourself in spite of that. I think you are very strong and eventually you will overcome this loss. I think maybe as you Mother your child you're being reminded of what you didn't get and it's probably bringing up feelings you haven't dealt with. You can always speak to someone about it then it won't continue to hurt you. Hugs, Pam

[krystalbella in reply to sweetiepye]

thank you so much pam that makes perfect sense xx

[Busylizzie65]

Hi Krystalbella

Remember, always, that your relationship with your parents is not your fault but does speak volumes about them. You've proved over and over that you're good at relationships (friends, partner and, now, kids) and have done everything possible to fix things with your parents. Draw a line under them (You can't change them; only they can do that) and focus on yourself and your own young family. They need and deserve you.

I'm really concerned at your mention of not wanting to carry on. You are in crisis and need to see a doctor asap for support and help. Book an appointment today. You're worth it.

Hugs

Liz

[krystalbella in reply to Busylizzie65]

thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply to my post i really appreciate it, i know i cant change them i dont want a relationship with them because of the way they are, and have to put my children first but i guess it leaves an emptiness and mention of them or any contact from the via family memebers passing on messages seems to trigger the depression and downward spiral.

i actually did gp to the drs and i have an appointment but not for 4 weeks!!!

xxx

[Busylizzie65 in reply to krystalbella]

Can you insist that you need an urgent appointment? I know it's hard getting past the receptionist though...

Keep us posted.