Can't see recovery happening

[MaisyMay2]

How long have i felt this low now? Nearly 4 long, gruelling months. Admittedly usually i just get out of these moods after a few weeks but this just isnt going. Its not the same. I used to self harm (stopped years back) and i didnt even feel this bad back then.

Nothings getting better!! Ive spent the whole of today with chest pains and a feeling of short breath and i have no idea why! I feel so lousy and i hate feeling like this. My mums the type of person that thinks i'm just feeling sorry for myself and i need to pick myself up but i can't. Ive just simply had enough at this point. I feel pathetic and yet i feel angry with myself for feeling like this.

I honestly don't see how this can even get better tbh. I went to therapy years back, all they wanted is for me to push my limits. I went there and the first session was her telling me to go out on a day trip with my friends - the mere thought sends me into a crying mess. They weren't helpful at all. And when i said i don't think im ready to meet with my friends, they discharged me.

Quite frankly i don't care anymore either, i'm so close to just throwing my notice in and quitting work, whether i have a job lined up or not.

I'm sorry this probably doesn't even make sense as i'm just rambling here quickly on my work break because all i want to do is go home and cry but i can't

[Olderal]

Hello Maisiemay , don't worry it makes sense except for your paragraph on not caring any more. Many of us know the feelings you are going through and for some of us they last a lot longer than 4 months , although 4 months is cartainly gruelling enough.

It is hard to care when experiencing this but in general it is not advisable to make serious decisions when in your present mood, if they can be avoided. You will come out of this as you have done before , and my advice is to wait until then before making decisions about your job. Throwing up your job will ease the immediate pressures for a day or two and then as reality sets in you'll be faced with the bigger stress of finding a new job and source of income. In your present mood you certainly don't need that.

Therapy does n't work for many people , there's an element of luck in finding a good therapist and one who suits you. My advice is to see your GP ,if you have n't already done so. They should be able to offer some practical help, and even if it means another therapist this time you might be lucky and find therapy helps. For this type of feeling its unlikely or impossible that your GP will be able to give practical help that works immediately and you have to hang in there and be patient until it does.

At least you'll have taken a practical step to recovery and that will help in itself , but it would n't make much sense to add to your problems by just giving up at the moment. Try not to blame your Mum too much , you need her support and encouragement, but unless she has experienced something similar its hard to understand. For all of us with similar problems we owe it to our friends and family to show them we are not giving up the fight and unless you show this it might limit the help and support you need so much at the moment. Throwing up your job ,which at least offers social interaction and some self discipline could mean you start feeling less useful and worse about yourself and is definitely a bad idea.

Olderal

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Olderal]

Yeah my last serious 'episode' if thats what you can call it was around nearly 3 years ago now, and that lasted for what i would say around 2 years, even through receiving help. Although this one hasnt been as long as that (well i wont know, it's ongoing) i feel a lot worse than the previous time, ive never felt anything quite like this, i'm crying every day at the slightest of things! I feel like a mess!

If i at any point enjoyed my career, i definitely would not consider quitting while experiencing this mood - i know it's stupid to act when feeling like this! However this mood change all started when i started my job, i spent the first few weeks coming home crying every day, and i havent actually had a period of time where ive enjoyed it at all. The work bores me to death, there is little for me to do there, and it's just me and a few others stuck in a dark box-office. Trust me i would not even consider quitting if there was the tiniest aspect i enjoyed but there is nothing there for me. I was going to stay until finding another job as employers are more hesitant hiring unemployed workers but i honestly cannot cope there any longer, i walk back to my car crying every night, i don't even enjoy my weekends because i spend the entirety of that crying and dreading going back.

Yeah i'm willing to try therapy again - i'm willing to try anything at this point! But if it goes badly again i may as well wait a few months as i'm 18 in june so until then i'll only get offered childrens therapy which i have experienced already and it is awful. So adult services may work out better.

Ive spoken to my mum again, she is my best friend in all honesty and shes always been my shoulder to cry on. I think shes finally realised that this is serious, i always get blips but this is bad. She said if i want to then she'll happily take me to the GP and see what they suggest. She is wary though as she knows they're likely just going to chuck some pills my way and shes a bit against them. My aunt is on antidepressants and they work for her but it was a long way to finding ones that did work for her. Also my mum doesn't want me becoming dependant on them but i don't know, i just need something to help me get going again.

Thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply

[Olderal in reply to MaisyMay2]

Hello again Maisiemay, I would try and hang on for a couple of more weeks or so at work although it does sound pretty grim. Maybe your co workers are as fed up as you and might welcome a bit of chat from yourself which might lighten the day a bit altho I know thats difficult feeling as you do at the moment.

Most importantly go and see your GP straight away, preferably with your Mum. I just hope that you have a sympathetic and listening GP. Yes you probably will get chucked some pills and as in your aunt's case they may not be the best ones for you but even if not they will help a bit and if you're lucky they will help a lot. What have you got to lose? Take the pills if prescribed something whatever your Mum thinks of them , after all its your health not your Mum's. You won't get dependent on the pills in the sense they won't prescribe you anything addictive.

I hate the thought of young people working in jobs they hate and you should be looking for something else, but spend a bit of time thinking about what you would really like to do. Don't want to end up in something else you don't like. If you can find something else quickly it would make seeing out your time in this job far easier.

Count your blessings ,you're very young and presumably living at home so if you do have to give tthe job up you'll have less worries than anyone with a mortgage or rent to pay.

I do hope things improve soon for you.

Olderal

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Olderal]

They are fed up when i talk to them! We're working for the NHS and i think the news says it all lately. Problem is our job is to type up dictations so no one chats as they've all got their headphones on.

Hopefully the GP will help, i think i'm going to book an appointment as soon as i can, ive moved to a new area so i'm going to have to find a new surgery but hopefully that wont take too long.

I know i'll find a job i enjoy at some point, how are young people to know with such little experience of the world! Ever since i was little i dreamt of working in an office😂 and ive forced myself into trying it two times now and hated both of them! I have a few other options lined up, working with children or working with animals. But for now, while i focus on myself, i'm looking into part time retail work, going to apply to volunteer at a charity shop just for that social interaction, experience and confidence boost.

Thank you Olderal, it means it a lot. You always know what to say! I hope everything is okay on your end

[Lx91]

Hi.

To start with stop feeling angry about how you're feeling, you can't help the way you are feeling! Lets face it none of us want to feel this way and if we could wave a wand we would. Getting angry at yourself will only make you feel worse and you will be torturing yourself with guilt (I did this for months) try to accept your feelings, think about them, try to rationalise them even when you feel like your emotions have no reason. I found keeping a daily diary with everything I had done helped massively, I included every silly little thing like getting out of bed, eating dinner etc...look back at how much you are acheiving. I wrote down how I felt each day so I could look back later (when the feelings were no longer current) and see if they were necessary. Sometimes I would look back and I'd written what a rubbish day I had had when actually it had been an okay day, I think sometimes we pull ourselves down and by looking back we can identify this and ask why. Have you been to the doctors? Could you see if you could get a sick note if work is too difficult at the moment so that you don't feel the need to quit? I also found therapy useless and felt like I was being told to just go out and have fun...yeah right if it was that easy none of us would be feeling like this. Finally I would say don't set yourself high targets, baby steps each day are better than 2 big steps forward and 1 back...it will get easier it may take a long time and patience but you will get there.

L x

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Lx91]

I know if my friend was going through this i would tell them to never blame themselves and they can't help it but i guess we always treat ourselves worse ey.

Thats a good suggestion thank you, i'll try the diary idea, it could help me reflect back on things that i blew way out of proportion.

I'm planning on going to the doctors but nothings finalised. I have thought about perhaps getting a sick note as i do desperately need a mental break. I wouldn't quit work for the sake of a break, or based on my current emotions. But i have never actually came out of work happy at my current job - in fact this depressive mood started when i started this job, i was doing really well in recovery before i started and this jobs made me plummet! I am really genuinely unhappy at work and it's not something i want to continue with, not even if i was in a better place mentally.

I have thought very hard about quitting as afterall i really do not want to be unemployed, i need the social interaction (not that my current job has my talking to anyone) and the independence money-wise. I'm 17 and in an apprenticeship, so my mum has said i am not to worry about money as theyll always support me, but she doesnt want me being a bum at home all day and i agree. I want a job, theres just nothing out there. So instead i may do volunteer work in a charity store until i find a paid job.

Thank you for your time to reply, i hope youre doing okay x

[Lx91 in reply to MaisyMay2]

Hi.

Yeah I agree we treat ourselves worse than anyone else!!

I would definitely get yourself to the doctors even if just to see if you can get a sick note, as you said you need a mental break. Plus you can use the extra time to look for a job or a voluntry placement, it sounds like you have a very supportive mum which will be really great for your recovery.

I think the diary is a really good idea, I was really shocked when I looked back a week or 2 after what I had wrote and seen how miserable I was being even on the good days!

I'm not bad thanks, I have ups and downs but that's better than just downs which is enough for me right now.

L x

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Lx91]

Yeah I almost use this site just to vent on my really bad days, looking back at some of my posts i can see how bad i'm getting- i never look on the positives, mainly because i can't actually find any!

My mum is VERY supportive, she always has been. She's my best friend, even if that does sound weird. She only wants for me to be happy. She isnt too soft though which is the important thing! If i got my own way at the moment id be living on the sofa sleeping all day, but she wont allow for that. She understands i need a break but she also knows the importance of getting out and having a bit of structure in my life which is where the working part time in a retail job came from.

I hope your good days become more often and you have a smooth recovery! Thank you x