I am very confused. My life feels like a loop

[Kenny_D44628]

Hi, I am in a rut and I feel like I might just give it up and get professional help. Although I never thought id be depressed or I'm not even sure if do have it, but It sure feels like something is wrong with me. I have so many issues with myself. To begin my most common problem is that I am constantly telling myself that I will get better, that i will try harder tomorrow but i usually don't. Im in college and it is hard for me because I procrastinate so much and sometimes i just catch myself doing literally nothing but I just somehow avoid doing my work even though i know its what i should be doing. When i actually do my work I sometimes get all anxious, it sure bothers me and i become impatient. I am often just really sad, I want to have a definite purpose to my life and I know what i want to do, I have a plan but i just don't have that drive in me. I am constantly unmotivated, I cringe at myself and at so many other things, I feel somewhat out of reality sometimes, I also binge doing bad things after i give up with myself. I am evasive if one part of my life is not right it just makes me not do anything, I don't even know what else to say but there are so many things and I just feel so confused about. There has been days that i forced myself to try and I feel great, my family and friends notice I am more uplifted, my energy is great and all but one bad thing happens to me and the whole world comes crashing down. This has been a cycle for so long and I just ready for it to stop. Ive been so down lately that I started to smoke pot and it takes me out of the depression, it numbs me from feeling bad. Really it is just a quick fix but everything feels alright when I'm high. I am not sure what else to say I am slightly narcissistic and a bit of OCD also. The one good thing about me is I don't give up on myself. Although I am down theres just a part of me that keeps me positive enough to carry myself even though I fail at it often. I've had some very productive days but i can be a perfectionist and I let it get to my head all to easily. All these problems fade away once I get going with myself it is just that I can't find that drive, I don't want to be lazy. I have big goals in my life that i intend to accomplish. I still feel pretty young, Im 20 and I need to start acting like my age. Please help. Thanks for reading.

[Hidden]

Hmm. I hear some similarities to my life but I'm in my 40's (and yes, I'm back in college). I am a procrastinating perfectionist and only OCD about thoughts. My suggestion is not to "give up" and go to counseling. "Give" yourself the "gift" of counseling. Why we decide to work on this alone, I'll never know. I do the same. I feel best at night and have all these "plans" for the next day and then poof - gone...nothing done except hatefully stare at my notebooks and books. I get it. Treat yourself and go for help I hope you go tomorrow. Keep us posted and hang in there. Nothing I say will make it better, I know. But we care about you and want you out of this rut and living that plan and dream you have!

[Vic35]

Have you been tested for ADD/ADHD? Sounds like me, doc put it down to depression , then when I said I thought I was getting worse, I procrastinatend, always late, disorganised, but a perfectionist...she is referring me for ADD, as soon as I Google it I realised it was me!!

[spykey]

Hi Kenny

Welcome to our friendly,. Supportive & non-judgemental forum, please make yourself feel at home!

It is easier to procrastinate that actually do! You say you have a plan for your life, but lack the motivation! Please feel free to share these with us & we'll see what we can do jo help you!

I'm more nocturnal than a sun person & I know I study better at night that during the morning or daytime!

I know what you mean about one things goes wrong & you feel life comes crashing down upon you! I have periods when I really can't be bothered, as life is gonna keep going whether I'm bang in the middle of it or on the sidelines watching in!

It's good to make plans for your life, and you will get there, just don't be too hard on yourself whilst you're getting there!

For me every day is different, I never know what is gonna happen tomorrow, even if I make plans they don't always control my day! I deal with today, today & let tomorrow take care of itself!!

It's easier to procrastinate & watch the world go by than take part in it! But you have also said when you do manage to achieve something it makes you feel good to have achieved, but you say it goes to your head too quickly! Why shouldn't you have that Good thing in your life? Why can't you allow your inner self feel good too?!? It's ok to try & paint the smile on & try to convince everyone around you that you are fine & dandy & they believe you are ok! Where as you know inside your're not alright & you are lying to yourself, which isn't helpful for you or the people you are trying to convince that life is great!!

Have you been in touch with you recently? I mean the Real You, The Inner You!! You are an OK person! I believe you will get through this, and I Believe in you! Even though I don't know you I can see that you want things to change things, but to also be accepted as the real you! By those around & by Yourself!

Maybe you could start to be kinder to yourself instead of criticising yourself continuously for procrastinating! We are All unique & have our different quirks about us and have to get used to them as they appear!

Getting professional help is Ifeel is not a bad idea, but it does depend on what you think might help?!? It may help to lift you out of the rut you feel you are in at the moment! A visit to your GP to check if anything else might be going on for you, if you haven't been for a while may suggest a blood test, or refer you for some emotional support, although there can be a waiting list! Some GP's suggest doing a CBT course online whilst you are waiting for support, although this doesn't work for everyone! Sometimes the moodgym online can be suggested!

Hopefully you will feel stronger soon & able to face & look at life in a different way!

Sending Warm Wishes Your Way Take Care spykey 🤗

[Reposting1]

Hello Lenny

What course are you doing , what are your plans for the future , what year are you in