Another Year; Still here

[Blueshirt]

Happy New Year everyone. Thank you for always being there; it means a lot to me.

There are a lot of good caring people here.

I hope we all have less bad stuff and more good stuff this year.

Life sucks; but the alternative is worse

[Lizbett]

Hey Blue. Happy New Year to you too! ☺ Wonderful to know you're still around. Yeah okay life might suck somewhat but it doesn't need to suck all of the time. As soon as you feel your mood sinking then do something, anything to lift it straight away.

My mood plummeted to my boot straps late in the afternoon for no tangible reason so I had to act. It soon lifted but not without some heavy duty positive self talk.

Take it easy ✌

[Blueshirt in reply to Lizbett]

Thanks LB

[cecilia13]

Hi Blueshirt

Happy new year to you .

Judging from your cryptic very short message looks like you have a lot on your plate and you are trying your best to keep a brave face .

True there are lots of caring people out there online . It, also reassuring to read about other people' s lives and depression ., like you are not struggling on your own and you are not mad or sad or weird or invisible .

In your last line you say " life sucks but the alternative is worse " . What alternative ? Do you mean death ? Can you clarify ?

cecilia 13

[Blueshirt]

We survive and cling on to life. In the past I wasn't too bothered if I lived or died. But death is, to state the obvious, so very final. Non existence I try to imagine but can't. I suppose it's because there's nothing to imagine, because there is nothing in existence for anyone after death to be imagined. So these days I think I want to carry on living. For the time being anyway. Even though it's not too great a life. Money worries besiege me, and like most who suffer from depression I easily make bad financial decisions. So I'm always in debt, invariably behind with payments. I still get scared, usually every day. I am still anxious. I still cry every day. Every high seems to commend a corresponding low. And I can't make a decision. Any decision I agonise over before making it and then post decision deciding it was the wrong decision. I'm sad, lonely, tearful, bored, depressed. But I am hoping to get better one day. I don't drink alcohol any more; haven't for quite a few years (bar the odd slip up) and the same with recreational drugs. Strange, but when I was working and using drink and drugs as coping mechanisms life seemed to be better. I had more money. I did more. And I often seemed happy. I quit the drink and quit drugs and kept my job for years afterwards. But life seemed empty. Still does. Some days I am positive, just lately I've even had a few hopeful moments. But essentially I am just hanging on. Even though I am useless, jobless, boring and bored. The forum helps; the people here are every kind and thoughtful. Even those with whom I do not agree. Following what some would call a breakdown, and a suicide attempt 4 years ago I haven't worked. I was in receipt of a PIP payment, but after 3 successful annual interviews the fourth coincided with a part of a day when I was feeling upbeat and positive about having a future and going back to work and having a life. (A pipe dream I used to get from time to time). The first three PIP assessments and reviews were conducted by doctors; they were insightful, exhaustive but also useful to me. The last, the fourth annual review, by a very hostile and cold nurse. My carer took me and was very concerned at war she thought was passive aggressive hostility from the assessor nurse. The nurse kept me waiting 2 hours. Asked a few very simple questions. Tested my knee reactions and that was it. 3 weeks later I had my money stopped. DWP said I was ok. I attempted suicide shortly afterwards, but being useless cocked it up. So, still here. I'll probably lose my home this year. And I am guessing I will end up in a shop doorway. It's always been my fear. Sadly I think it's going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. But then again today isn't a good day. I might be better later. But I doubt it. Then again I don't care anymore. Bad day. Sorry.

Hope you are having a better time. Thanks for listening. Good luck

[WhiteAlice]

You are not useless, nor boring. You're frustrated & sad. 🖐Take my hand. Squeeze it hard. I need it right now, too.

[Blueshirt in reply to WhiteAlice]

Thanks