Another newbie...

[ThemysciraDrive]

Ciao everyone,

So for a first contribution I thought it might be worth explaining a little about myself and why I'm here. Essentially I think that I've probably had depression since my third year of university, around 5-6 years ago. I'm loath to say I definitely have because I've never had a diagnosis; there are two main reasons for that. One is that for most of that time I was living with my parents, one of whom has a heart condition, the other very high blood pressure, so I really didn't want to put them under any stress because of me, so I avoided going to the Doctors' and put up a facade of ok-ness. The other is that part of me has always convinced the rest that I don't have any right to be depressed, that other people have it far worse than me, especially because I've never had anything that traumatic happen to me, nor have I ever had what you would call a breakdown.

But I've spent 5-6 years feeling the whole time like life is all essentially pointless, having a total lack of motivation to do anything, and generally feeling every day like mentally and emotionally I'm running on empty. My eating and sleeping patterns are very erratic, and despite the fact that I probably have a life most people would call good, it feels like it's an abject failure and that I'm generally useless as a human being. And massive amounts of anxiety and self-doubt...if my friends don't reply to a text for a day or two I start trying to work out what I've done as I obviously must have upset them.

I guess I feel a bit like I'm in a halfway house; like I've spent all this time hanging over the precipice but not falling, hanging on by my fingernails out of sheer bloody-mindedness. A good example would be that there have been many, many times when I've felt like it would be so much easier and better if I died, but I've never felt I'd actually do it, if that makes sense. And I'm convinced if I go to the Doctors', they'll just tell me it's nothing and Ill be stuck as I am.

But, lately, the level of my work at my job has deteriorated a lot, mostly because I sit there staring at my screen wishing I could sleep all day and wake up when nobody else was around and I have nothing that has to be done. The upshot is that my bosses have noticed, and I'm now under pretty close scrutiny and instructions to get back to normal and quickly. Fortunately I'm public sector so they haven't just given me the boot.There's no way I can do that on my own, so this seems to be crunch time, I need to go to a GP, once I've actually registered with one (moved house four months ago and still haven't got round to that...). I also started reading Tim Cantopher's book, and that really resonated, like he was describing exactly what happened leading up to me starting to feel the way I do, so I feel a bit more confident about going.

I suppose I'm not really looking for advice as such, as I kind of know what I need to do for the moment, although if anyone has any thoughts on whether or not it is depression I'd be grateful. It'd just be nice to be somewhere, even online, where I don't have to put a mask on or try and explain how I feel to people who can't understand it. Anyway, I'll shut up now, apologies for the extensive waffling, I am rather good at that...

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome to the site. There is a great bunch of people here. We all understand depression and care and support each other. I am glad you came in.

I'm glad you are going to the doctor's soon. Make sure you do go because it does sound like depression though only a doctor can official diagnose you. I think mental health problems is one of the biggest reasons people see their doctor so don't be worried that you will be dismissed. I will say though from my personal experience not all doctors are good at dealing with it. Some seem to feel very uncomfortable and can't wait to get rid of you. I hope this doesn't happen to you but if it does go and see another one. I had to do this as the first doctor I saw told me I was just an 'uptight person' and didn't bother to try to diagnose me. I did eventually go back and struck lucky this time. Now I have a brilliant female doctor instead.

Depression is a funny illness - sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why you get it. Many people who know they have a good life get it as well as those who don't. I have found it's nothing to do with success it's to do with how you feel about yourself. If you feel worthless and stupid you can be the most successful person in the world but you will still feel bad. Depression is an illness as much as any physical problems and deserves the same attention and treatment.

You certainly don't have to put a mask on here so you waffle away. We all do that but we are here for each other.

Bev xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bev, thank you for the reply. It helps a lot to know that people aren't going to act like I need a good reason to feel depressed. Have spent part of the weekend looking up practices to register with in my new area, found one half a mile away that has lots of very positive reviews on NHS website, so fingers crossed, that looks promising.

[Gambit62]

Sorry to hear that you have got to the point where concentration is such a problem and having an impact on your life. GP good starting point. There are lots of things that have depression as a symptom so that is a good starting point anyway just incase there is an underlying cause that isn't just in the brain.

In terms of thoughts of dying - think that is pretty natural when you are stressed and sounds like you have been stressed for a while now - uni, parents, work - have had non-depressives share with me moments when they thought of being dead or suicide as a way out in moments of extreme stress. Try not to get spooked by the thoughts because that is all they are - thoughts.

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Gambit62]

Hi Gambit, thank you for the reply. Helpful to hear that, because the strange thing about thoughts of dying is that, at first, they really did scare me, probably because of the shock...then I told myself what you've just said about them being thoughts and nothing more, and that was a good way of dealing with them. For some reason I'm not sure of though, lately they have had me feeling a bit rattled again. Not really sure why.

[Gambit62 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

You may be getting into a feed-back loop - anxious - thoughts of death - anxiety about thoughts of death - more thoughts of death ... have been there, done that and have the tee-shirt. What seems to work for me when that happens is to visualise the thoughts as unwanted visitors - can either cower in the house or open the door and say 'not today thank you' - so, rather than cower which I used to do, I open the door and say 'not today thank you'. Thought it would take ages for the message to get through but it actually worked within a couple of days. Hope it works for you as well.

[Polly123456]

It sounds just like depression, I am also a newie to the site and it seems like there are lovely people here. Please go to your doctor they can be a great help. A great life makes no difference to depression, I have nothing to worry about at the moment but it still got me. But in hindsight I have had it for years but not quite as bad. As I have been told one tiny step at a time. Your first big one is the Doctors. Please keep in touch

[Suzie40]

Hey there, it's lovely to meet you and as Bev said, this is a great place to come and chat. I can honestly say that being a part of this forum has been hugely significant on my road to recovery.

Whether or not you have, or indeed will get, an official diagnosis is not really relevant. You know in your heart that things aren't right and you've identified that you need to address what's going on.

It took me almost six years of being depressed to finally seek help and it was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I'm glad I did and am pretty sure I wouldn't still be around now if I hadn't.

Interesting what you've said about work. I also work in the public sector and luckily my employers were incredibly supportive during a recent bad spell I went through.

Do stick around and share with us how you get along x

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Suzie, thank you for the reply and lovely to meet you too. Glad your employers were supportive and understanding, it makes so much difference when you don't have to worry so much about how they'll react. I'm lucky with mine on the whole, it's a good place to work and they do care about the staff. I know there are a few people about who've worked there for years with depression, so they've obviously been well supported. The problem I have is the individual people I'll have to deal with. I work in a small team within a larger section, so I have a team manager and a section manager. My team manager is a lovely lady, I know she will be empathetic and supportive whatever happens, and will do all she can to help. My section manager on the other hand is a micro-managing control freak, and I can't see he will let my team manager do anything for me unless I have a proper diagnosis (part of the reason I'm worried about whether I'll get one). He'll probably be more worried about whether it reflects badly on his management than he will be about me, he's that sort. Have to keep reminding myself that doing something, however difficult, is better than leaving it as it is and doing nothing.