One year on

[Blackdog]

I should be happy I have a kind loving husband, a good job, and a nice house so why one year on do i still feel suicidal ?

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm unsure what you are one year on from, but whatever it is having the things you describe does not necessarily make a person happy. If you are feeling suicidal there will be good reasons. You ask why and I can't tell you because you are the only one who knows why you are feeling so low. But it does sound as if you feel life is not worth living which sounds as though you are depressed and may need to see your GP, perhaps for medication or counselling..

When you say you have a kind loving husband it sounds as if you feel you should be happy with him but perhaps are not? If there are no problems in the relationship and you like your job and house then it sounds as if you may be struggling to find meaning in life? It will help you to talk things through with someone so why not ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor or better still why not self-refer to your local CMHT for assessment, that way you can have a chance to talk about how you are feeling.

You say why do you STILL feel suicidal which suggests you were feeling suicidal before and that perhaps the cause was something that happened a year ago or that you did something a year ago that you thought would make you feel less suicidal. Do you feel able to write about what happened a year ago? If we knew a bit more people on the website will be able to support you.

I hope you feel a bit better and seek help.

Suexx

[Aurora-auspice]

My dear black dog, we all progress at our own speed and as someone who expected to be bouncing back after days to have soldiered on for seven years is soul destroying even with all the things I am so lucky to have!

Depression in my experience is nothing to do with time or possessions, even the amount of supportive and loving people you have in your corner although this seems to be an important part of the puzzle!

For everyone it is different but then we are all individuals!

For me the ability to begin the heady climb from the pit of despair has been a combination of many things;

Time

Clearer self-awareness

Many years of experimenting with the doctor to find the right antidepressant

Proper diagnosis of underlying conditions

Proper professional support

Acceptance that it was more than just my circumstances

Reading posts of people suffering the same and worse than me knowing I wasn't alone and as weak and pathetic as I thought myself

And finally the correct medication to balance brain chemical depletion and its genetic predisposition to imbalance!

This is a conservative list but a representative one for me

Your question focusing on time in relation to the hard work you've put in and the obvious support you feel you have reminds me of reminds me of myself and things I was always saying to my psychologist. I had no idea it could take more than a few weeks rest and therapy maybe with or without a pill. So a few weeks then a few months then a year I kept asking this same question as you until I gave up and began thinking I would never be right again and sank deeper just mourning my life!

The difference when I found out about adult ADHD and that women are able to have Aspergers and suffer in silence even act to gloss over and mask the struggles they have more than men which is why it is only just being accepted to exist in women ...... I can't tell you the relief and now the work I am doing on my depression is finally beginning to work. ....... Nothing to do with motivation or greater application at all

I am not saying that anyone with chronic depression has an underlying condition just that, contrary to popular belief. time is a relative factor! That we are all different and that possibly most importantly depression is not like a broken bone with the ability to x-ray immediately locate, identify and treat with predictable results!

It's more like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing from the box! It is often easy to put it together and build the picture and as you do hope abounds then you get to the ,issuing pieces! And the disappointment frustration and irritation explodes and you start your frantic search for the missing pieces but as you search the obvious places the places that are far more likely to have those pieces and don't find them the fear, humiliation and self-doubt creeps in overwhelming and crushing your optimism and hope, sometimes until you think you've got to accept they are gone forever; then suddenly amazingly you find them and they were tucked in a dark corner of the loft or attic with no obvious way that they could get there and as you puzzle over their discovery you are slipping them into the puzzle picture and there you are .... Whole, bemused, even lost but full of optimism and hope ready to fight the next list of battles that go with existence.

You know sometimes I think as I write my analogies I would love to write for a living but rather like my depression I can write puzzle pieces but not a whole puzzle lol so there is always another puzzle to solve its just some are more pleasant than others

Take care dearest Black' you'll get there!!! And I hope very soon!!! Much love and hugs Aurora xxx

[Suzie40]

What you'll see on here is a recurring trend of people blogging, not able to understand why their 'perfect' lives are making them feel depressed. The reality is, depression doesn't mind on whose door he lands. He's not choosy, and really doesn't care what colour carpet someone has, or whether or not they have a husband.

I've got the job I've wanted for as long as I can remember, though I still dread getting up and going every morning. I have two perfect, healthy, intelligent children, yet I'd rather stay in bed than get up and enjoy the day with them. I own my own house, but I can't be bothered to maintain its upkeep.

People will examine your lifestyle on paper, and tell you to take a reality check. Because they don't understand. The reality is that you have an illness. An illness that will manifest itself regardless of your bank balance. There's no rule that says a year on you have to feel better. If you are feeling suicidal, go back to your GP and talk honestly with him.

[Blackdog]

Thank you for caring enough to write something so meaninful. I tried to commit sucide a year ago, I thought coming back home to everyone who loves and cares for me would be the answer, however i need more help the gp is going to send for counciling and she has increased my dose of tablets, I need to find out why i feel like I do. Thank you again just reading what you both wrote makes me feel like there is hope xx

[Hidden in reply to Blackdog]

Sorry you feel the way you do right now..

I won't add to the two lovely replies you have already had, except to say there is hope....and I wish you well

Sue xxxx

[Burstcouch]

Blackdog, I am just over a year since everything fell apart for me too.

My GP has been great, she referred me to see a pyschiatrist because I was not responding to meds and as soon as he added this new drug. My thoughts are so much better. GP referred me for counselling too which I have now been having for 3 months. I hope you can get the all the help you need.