Hardest time I've ever had..

[Rachms11]

Anyone else on here been an anxious person and been depressed before they were in a relationship with someone very special? Until recently I had been in a 3 year relationship with the best person I could ever have dreamed of. we got engaged in January and I was on top of the world. Life was finally falling into place the way I had always dreamed. He was my first real long term relationship and I was his. having been with other people before but for only a few months.

Anyway, long story short we moved in together in march and I had my first ever panic attack. and it was extreme. I had never been like that before. ( also never lived out of home before and same as him).

I took that the relationship and being with him was the reason I'd reacted the way I did. I'd never felt anxiety before except when we had disagreements and I was scared of losing him. This time it was the other way around! I felt scared of being with him

So after 2 months of living together I moved back home with my parents to try and sort the anxiety out.

Except it only got worse. Not better. Even being back home, which I thought was just the place that made me anxious.

6 weeks now weve been apart and seen eachother twice. Last night we spent a nice time together as I went to say goodbye to him because he is getting sent away for work for at least 2-3 months and could be up to 6 before hes back here. Hes a gas worker.

Today has been so hard. My anxiety is going through the roof and im trying to ignore it. but the thought of whats happening is killing me. I don't and cant go through with this. We were supposed to be happy and planning a wedding! and now its pretty much nothing. he says when hes back he would like to try again. but im scared he'll change while hes away...

How do I cope? we are eachothers first love sorry for the long post. please help!

[tazmania]

Hi Rach, do you know why you are scared of being with him? Do you think it's the big life change or the big commitment or are you not sure? xx

[Rachms11 in reply to tazmania]

Hi there thanks for replying xx I think it's both of those things. And I was obsessing over a thought that popped in my head that maybe I should feel more and not anxious?

[Photogeek in reply to Rachms11]

Hi Rachs it is I think unusual to be so anxious when you move

In with a loved BFriend or partner, it's part of growing up, usually it's the happiest time of your life and anxiety to me would be very unusual. I moved away from home at 18. To go to University and after that I never really lived at home again,

I had a great relationship with my parents but they made us quite

Independent and I'm wondering why you don't feel that longing

To flee the parental nest.

Are you sure this guy is the right guy for you? There is also a

Chance that he will meet someone else and that is a risk.

Rach you need to be more independent and try and see why you

Are so attached to your parents, as this is not healthy.

Do you have a good qualification and well paying job? If so try

Living on your own and see how you manage that. You can't stay

Living with your parents for the rest of your life so try and sort this

Out now.

Try Therapy to see why you are so afraid of moving away from them,

Because if you don't sort this out now, it will become a problem which

May stop you having relationships.

Now I don't know what your parents think about all this ? Do they

Encourage you to live on your own.? I too suffered from Depression

But I still did things in spite of it.

Get help now Rachs and get to the bottom of the real reason why

You are so attached to parents. Forget about the boyfriend issue

For now as you need to concentrate on yourself.

Hope this helps a bit.

Hannah

[secondhandrose2 in reply to Photogeek]

Good advice Hannah. x

[Chrissip]

Hi Rach

I'm in a similar situation (meant to be planning my wedding) and currently having therapy.

It really helps to speak to a professional and get it all off your chest, my therapist has shown me breathing exercises to do to calm myself and not let the anxiety get the better of me.

I would really suggest speaking to a professional as from experience anxiety and panic disorder will likely not resolve itself, I've tried coping on my own in the past and personally it only made things escalate.

I hope you can start to feel better, it such a lonely place to be.

[Hidden]

When we move in with some one for the first time we never know the person who locks the door at night and it is at this time we really begin to know that person.

The problems you are have are not unusual and it is obvious that the warmth of the family home has pulled you back to the uncomplicated safety of the place you were brought up in. It seems that you are still young and most probably feel at a loss what to do.

If your partner is also young and has moved in with you, He may also be feeling the same as you and it does take time to get used to each other and understand what is expected of both of you in a full time relationship as when you are both together you quickly loose the rosy feeling of love and enter the world running a family buisiness, like two people in a partnership have to do. Of course love does not fly out of the window it is just the other things in managing have to be undertaken as well including house work and cooking etc.

If you are in love with each other, you will need to consider the way forward living together like who burns to toast in the morning or who puts the milk on the Cornflakes LOL.

You say you have a job and he is doing Gas Fitting courses or something and He will be away for extended periods of time. Could you arrange to be together at weekends until the training finishes. I had to work that way when I was on courses.

By the time the courses are finished try again to live together you may find you are then more able to be able to be together and be more able to approach this living together work together as you will be more mature and will be able to manage a home.

They say absence makes the heart become stronger, I agree. You could have many years to both look forward to

BOB

[Rachms11]

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the help. I'm very confused. He doesn't want to try again with the relationship until he's back here. He's got a few family problems to which is understandable. His mum has a serious brain condition and she could have a stroke again at any time. It's very scary

My biggest worry is I'm not in love? I haven't got much from the past to compare this too. and I feel he thinks the same but were to scared to let eachother go after the last 3 years we've had together. We've had good times and bad and got through all of them but this is really the worst.

I'm so depressed and struggling beyond anything. I have no job now either as my job at the local gym shut down due to no one coming in. So I've got nothing much to do to fill in the days while were apart....

I actually am not enjoying being back at home. I've had so many arguments with my parents about how I'm struggling. They just don't get it. Especially being an anxious person, things are harder.

I'm just scared I'll be hanging onto the hope of us reuniting in a few months and things will change between us. And not for the good I can't handle this. I can handle being alone but not the though of not having him in my life. What do I do?

[KHaynes]

Dear fellow sufferer,

Moving and getting married are two of the most stressful things you can do and on top of that you lost your job.

No wonder you are struggling and you have an underlying problem as well.

Isn't it strange after you leave home it is never the same when you try to go back

Don't forget your life choices affect your family too and they are probably anxious and confused

My sister cried for 6 months after her son went to uni and he wasn't leaving home!

So please try to talk to a professional I am sure they will say the same as I have

Just to put your life in perspective

In the meantime can you try volunteer work? It is a really good stepping stone back into the world of work.

Maybe try an evening course now is the time to apply

If it was me I would be looking at wedding magazines it is an exciting world where everyone who hears that word sees ££££££££££ signs, so you could explore and see how to keep costs low and lessen the pressure

Some might think that unwise because the whole thing is on hold but if you are creative it might be a distraction

In the meantime if it is not a stalling tactic then I take my hat off to your bf for giving you a break. He has not cut you off make the most of his time away to be a better person for him. He has needs too, how can you support him?

Being at home maybe you could offer to help out with ironing or practice cooking for your mum and dad, if that is not welcome what about helping in the garden?

Finding a job is a job in itself even if it is not what you usually do try something part time?

Maybe your parents had plans like Miranda.... You know her parents got upto all sorts of unmentionable hijincks she did not want to know about!

Give them some space and build up your own interests.

You will be sad and every couple has doubts if you can get through these early days by keeping busy time will go faster and you will have something to build on either way.

Ps in the old days life was more simple you married and moved in together done!

Now we let ourselves experiment first and that can leave nagging doubts

Sorry this was not meant to be so long

Thinking of you

K x

[Rachms11 in reply to KHaynes]

Hi k, thanks for your reply. Good news yesterday, I got a full time job starting Monday as a receptionist at our local accountants! I'm very excited to have a new start and to get back on track again and get out of my parents hair. I don't want to keep annoying them. Everyone is so happy for me. X thanks again