Who am I?

I'm so tired of doing what I've been doing all my life saying the right thing doing the right thing when it seems like what's expected of me.yes I'm on meds and yes I've had counseling and yes I got support system but even though my depression and anxiety is under control I still don't feel right. I can't be myself because I don't know really who I am or what I like. Hard to explain but for as long as I can remember I just go with the flow. I don't make choices. I've always felt like I wanted to be one of my friends or someone I admire. I kinda live in a fantasy world. I been married 30 yrs 2 kids 2 grandkids and have always held down a job. I'm uncomfortable around people and don't know what to say in conversations. Then when I'm home alone I fantasize how I wanted to act and how others react to me.i don't say much and when I do its stupid and nobody is impressed. I just fade in the background. But in my fantasy I'm the life of the party and act out how I wish I could in public. And I'm so sick of b wing asked why I'm so quiet.i know I'm different but I also no I'm not crazy. Does anybody know why I'm so miserable in the real world and so happy in my fantasy world?


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8 Replies

  • Everyone is happy in their own little world we are all life and soul of the party.believe you me its not all its cracked up to be in the real world I used to be life and soul of the party and now I have a daughter of 5 years and am not the life and soul not even the soul I feel like I have lost part of myself but also gained another part.if you are the life and soul in real life and you stop been it then people asked what's up with you why aren't you out my responsibility has changed.just be you try to make stronger decisions and don't really give a monkeys what people think they will be more than likely struggling to they just don't show it.

  • I understand where you are coming from I have just read your post, I get asked why I'm quiet or I'm told I am quiet I hate that then I just want to be on my own. I have always been shy so what it is who we are. Sometimes I can say things and it then the other person gets the wrong end of the stick I feel as if i'm doing something wrong. I get panic attacks. I can relate to this.

  • Yes it makes me made when people say I'm so quiet I I think that makes me quieter. it was even worse when I was younger in school as kids can be so mean and make fun of me. In my yearbooks every single person that signed it said something about me being the quietest person they ever knew. I did have one very good friend that saw through my quietness and we are friends to this day thank god I have that one person I can go to and say anything to and she understands me. So grateful for her my best friend: )

  • Hi I think older people, especially women, become more invisible as they age, that's just the society we live in I'm afraid. It's still more difficult for women to seek outside company and go places on their own ie pubs etc. You will always see loads of older (and younger) men in pubs on their own, but very few women.

    Also too most women spend most of their lives caring for others and it is a wrench when we are not 'needed' in that role anymore.

    I have never had kids and have lived mainly on my own so have always been used to having to make my own life outside. I have a passion for darts and spend many happy hours playing for teams with mainly people of my own age. Seek to do whatever interests you ie joining a club for those over a certain age - U3A are a national organisation and so is one called Meet Up. I also volunteer in a charity shop. Once you get yourself busier you will be more fulfilled and will have more to talk about with your family when you do see them.

    Ps in my head I am 18 and a right little raver/head banger but unfortunately my body tells me otherwise these days! x

  • I agree but I've been doing this ever since I was little

  • Which doesn't mean you have to carry on doing it now you are big does it? x

  • I feel like we share a similar trait, I too am tired of life, I have been tired of life since the age of 13. Sorry for the long message but this will only make sense to you, I couldn't care about anyone else.

    I have went through 21 years of life not being able to say what I am really thinking, I have a gentle soul but my body does not allow me to say what goes through my mind so I come off as robotic or constantly awkward. I want to break out, run up to loved ones, compliment them when they deserve it, care for them when they are upset, act concerned when appropriate but instead I am confined to just seeming like I do not care about anyone but myself.

    I often feel alien to society, like I don't fit in, I don't know how to handle conversation with people so I fake laugh at everything people say because it seems socially appropriate. I make choices but I always feel that everything I do is not enough, that I won't be good enough. I'm in a long-time relationship, have been for 6 years, 6 blessed years, with someone who I cannot imagine life without... I do show affection but I fear not enough, I fantasize about myself being this charismatic saint who values other before himself, I believe this person is trapped in my soul but the person who is in charge of my body is the prison keeper.

    I always fantasize about how I wanted to act or wanted others to act in situations but thinking about all the things I could have said that I didn't upsets me too much.

    My eyes see a great deal of things, more things than the normal person, I read body language naturally, I obsess over what people say in my head with one concise meaning behind the words, I stand in a room and have 180 degree vision entirely, I know what people are thinking and they usually think that I make them feel uncomfortable or awkward. I don't mean to be it is because of my conflicting personalities. Everything I see brings me more and more sadness. I have lost interest in things, I no longer feel motivation to see my friends, I have lost interest in video games.

    The real world is blind and cruel, judgemental and unwelcoming to the new. The world wants people who want to go out every Friday night drinking, people who lack the social intelligence we have that they will just talk about anything with ease. People who wear red chinos and listen to pop music, who fit in with the crowd... I have known this world since I was a boy, we drift through it like a lone spaceman floating through the empty space, an anomaly, unnatural... I do not believe in Gods but if I did I would pray that they relieve you of your illness. I worry mine is too far gone, I will float through all eternity lost, alone. There will be a moment when all time ends and only then will I be on equal terms with the rest of humanity, even if it is just for a second

  • Listen ginalee,if you could n't be happy in your fantasy world you'd be in a poor way. Even my little fantasy world has me playing football for England as one of the best over 70 strikers, while my best,one of several, girlfriend ,a top international model ,watches on admiringly before we return to our wonderful home for a night of unbridled passion.

    I'll let you into a secret. Only those conceited people who have 120% confidence in their own ability feel "right" all the time,and you don't really want to be Chris Evans or George Osbourne ,do you?

    If you're doing and saying the right things,you're one of the people who helps oil life for everyone and you should n't get too tired of it.

    If you've always held down a job,despite depression and anxiety, and you've kept them under control,you've done better than most with these conditions. I suspect you make more choices than you know, and going with the flow means you are more of a lubricant than a grain of sand, Nothing wrong with that.

    There's nothing to stop you doing a bit of lap dancing or streaking if that's what you really want but there's a lot to be said for being a little more background. If you've held down a job always despite depresiion and anxiety I think it unlikely that you're as uncomfortable around people as you think. I would n't assume that the noisier and more prominent people you come across are always easier around people than you are.They just look it.


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