It was my two week follow-up to my first appointment at the doctor's. It was a different doctor to the first so I described how I've been and how I've been coping (or not) with all that is going on with my marriage break up and my depression in general.
I was pretty candid and explained my feeling of worthlessness, the fact that the "suicide cloud" hangs over me as an almost constant. He has doubled my dose of sertraline from 50mg to 100mg and made me an appointment to see him again on Monday after work. He also programmed the Samaritans helpline into my phone - he said that I am a concern! Although sympathetic he did make me feel a bit like a naughty schoolboy.
As to the rest of my day, my (ex)wife is still struggling with the concept that I have an illness, but keeps on saying that although she doesn't love me she will stay so as to stop me doing anything stupid. This isn't what I want, the only way I would consider trying again, would be if she came back out of love, the last thing I want is a marriage where my wife is only there out of pity and even if she returned out of love, I don't think I could trust her.
I still love her enough that I wouldn't want to see her unhappy, I am considering that perhaps it would be better for everyone if I went. Max out the credit cards, take a plane ticket somewhere and just disappeared into the sunset. Everyone's a winner. My son is not traumatised by my suicide, I'm just a rubbish dad that deserted him. My wife gets the house and all the possessions. Problem solved. Nobody has to deal with my problems just me, and if anything happens to me, there will be no-one left to care. Perhaps running away IS the answer, who knows.
Sorry for the self-pity, I just don't know how long I can hold it together, a big part of me would like to see myself committed, drugged out of my head. At least I wouldn't have to feel.
Nathan, these are truly difficult times for you; I don't think running away is the answer although a short break or a holiday may do you good if you're up to it. It's going to be a roller coaster but I do think you will see the other side.
I completely agree with your sentiment of not wanting your wife ( she's still your wife at the moment) to pity you and I do agree that unfortunately the trust has gone. It may end up you are good friends. This can happen and maybe she likes you, just doesn't find you exciting enough, so a friendship may work in the future. But that's a long way away.
Sorry this is brief. I did want to acknowledge it and your struggles. I'm glad the doctor is taking it seriously by programming the Samaritans number into your phone. Do call them as many times as you need. I have done so. Occasionally I get someone who is not quite kitted out to cope but I just redial . I had one person who was really amazing when I was at a really low point; I got total understanding from him so I hope you have some good experiences with them too if you do feel the need to call.
They accept e-mails as well. I e-mailed them for about a 2month period which I found very useful. With e-mailing they only guarantee to reply within a 24 hour period. I found this acceptable to me and they always did reply. It would be different people but they keep the thread of what you are saying for a certain period of time ( I think it's a month or two months) so you don't have to keep repeating yourself.
You're an intelligent man so I think you can find the e-mail address yourself but it's something like jo@samaritans.org Will check and edit my reply if necessary. Have just checked and that seems to be the right e-mail.
Also we are here for you on here though it can be quiet on a Friday night.
Gemma
And what makes you think your son and your wife wouldn't be traumatised by your suicide? That is totally ridiculous and is your negative brain patterns trying to trick you. Both of them, but especially your son would never recover from it and it would damage his future. He would always wonder and maybe blame himself for not being able to understand or help you. So please put that thought out of your head right now.
Please be patient. You are starting to get the treatment you need so have hope it will work and you start to feel a bit better soon. You owe it to your loved ones and most of all yourself to do everything you can to recover.
I sometimes get suicidal and one thing I have found which helps is to say to myself each morning 'I am not going to kill myself today and will wait until tomorrow to make a decision'. Then make the same decision the next day. This frees you from that thought for the day and makes it possible for you to think of more positive actions.
Meanwhile stay with us and we will help and support you as much as we can. We have all been there you know and totally understand what you are going through. If we can survive then so can you. Hold on and have hope. Ok? x
Hold on Hidden I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts for a while and although I am by no way cured I am feeling a lil stronger and I swear it is cos of the support I have been given on here. These people here know what they are talking about. You can and will conquer this you know. I have rang the Samaritans many times before I found this site. Everyday we get stronger. Are you eating ? If not do not worry, just buy a smoothie machine for like £15 I did a few months back and it is priceless. U can slam in some fruit and whizz it up and bingo it a gawjuss nutritional shake. You can even do a veggie one if u dislike fruit. In fact u can whazz up anything in it. Believe me, I am living proof of the smoothies as I lack the incentive to eat a proper meal at the moment. I feel so much better for them. Baby steps on this process to regaining strength. Of course with the ending of your marriage you must give yourself time to grieve. It is not a rush job so do not expect miracles overnight. Patience is what we have to learn.
in reply to
I know, I know. Suicide is not the answer. I think you might have mis-understood my thoughts though. I was talking about just going away, for good, starting again somewhere so that nobody would be traumatised if I were to stay around and do something stupid. I would just be an absent father, bad, but not as bad as the child of a parent that committed suicide.
I do use your coping mechanism - putting off decisions until a later time/date with any vague reasons not to do anything yet.
I am running out of ways to express my feelings, I can't begin to confront them head on. I know you've all been there, yet I feel both alone and hugely re-assured at the same time. As I've said before, my wife and my best (only) friend both seem to deny depression even exists, I am alone. Yet here you all are, offering the hand of support, for which I can't thank you enough.
I do have hope, a tiny amount, I think if I didn't I wouldn't be here, but that hope comes from all of you, thanks.
Depression does exist and can be life threatening as you know. Sometimes we suffer from a low level depression all our lives and it sounds like this may be you. It's now entered into an acute crisis state because of what has happened and this is very serious and important that you get help.
Psychiatrists, doctors and so on would not be treating an illness which didn't exist and there wouldn't be so many deaths from depression if it didn't exist. However one really big thing is that if you are able to continue to express your feelings it is less likely you will actually carry out this act. Also as you say we were merely talking about disappearing on this particular thread and I think that being able to express these thoughts and releasing some of the pressure by doing so makes it less likely we will do these things.
Suicide is much higher massively higher amongst males because in general they do not routinely share their feelings. So please do keep expressing yourself on here, you are doing the right thing.
.
in reply to
I know you were Nath but if you just disappeared your family would always wonder what happened to you, and how do you know they wouldn't eventually be aware you had killed yourself? Are you willing to accept that risk?
My family don't understand depression either so the only outlet I have is on here and I must say it does help me enormously! I probably wouldn't be here either if I hadn't found this great site and all these wonderful people. Keep the hope alive friend. xx
Nathan, your "new" doctor sounds pretty good to me. With depression where there are no physical symptoms to examine it pays in my experience to always see the same GP. Our local practise follows the same "see any doctor" plan so I just ask to see the same guy and then take the first appt. available with him. That way the mechanic knows most of whats wrong with the car already and we can get straight down to fixing it.Anyway that's a detail.
So, in the new plan,your son is one of the winners because he spends the teen years and the rest of his life without a father, your wife is a winner altho she'll no doubt feel some guilt for ever for your suicide/disappearance following her affair, and you're a winner because you won't be feeling anything. I would n't want to be a loser in this world if they are the winners. Depression causes distorted thinking but this is distorted rationalisation. You seem too smart to me not to quickly realise this is not a runner. Running away might once in a blue moon pay off but that is never the smart way to bet.
Your number one priority which you are hopefully on the way to, is to get rid of the depression,which is always difficult but I think that you should also give some thought to making some effort to overcoming your shyness and partial withdrawal from most social contact. Maybe a shrink could fathom the reason for this part of your character but I would n't bet on that either. Like most men I do not profess to understand women but it may well be that your wife would have swapped being treated like a princess for your companionship and company more often in social situations . Who knows what either of you expected when you married. ? Many are shy and withdrawn but make an effort, often painful, to be social and participate in social life. If one is prone to depression this makes it even more difficult but also even more essential. Life is n't meant to be easy, God hates us all, and who can blame him.
I'm not a psychologist either ( not that that would help me understand women) but 23 years of depression on and off and the minimum of social contact while continuing in work and not seeking help showed ,as I've said before a great deal of courage and resolution , but its not a recipe for a very contented life ,and maybe something was likely to go drastically wrong eventually.
Anyway just a few thoughts-what do I know? Hoping for a better week for you .
Hey Nath, glad your doctor is concerned and looking out for you. I know I said this before, so sorry if it sounds preachy, but seems an in-person support group with like-minded people might be really helpful for you as it would give you a broader social circle than your ex and your friend. It's really painful for anyone to be around the person who left them so I think you need to look for a new social outlet even if it feels way out of your comfort zone to do so. Do it anyway...what have you got to lose? By the way, I want to take my own advice here and go out more as I too, feel socially awkward or shy at times. I need to push myself.
Anyway, I don't think running away and isolating yourself is the answer...connecting with other people is vital. Not to mention, your son would still go through a lot of pain if you deserted him and he'd carry it lifelong. And, of course, keep using this forum. I'm also really glad I found this forum; it's touching how supportive people on here are and it's been quite helpful for me as well.
I would love to join a support group... considering the good everyone has done on here helping to try and lift my spirits, I do feel that someone listening in person would be even better.
It has been a release just admitting the problems to the GP and all of you here. I have even broached that I've got a problem with depression with a couple of workmates and although they haven't seem to take much notice, at the same time they haven't treated me as the pariah that I feared.
The trouble is trying to find an evening group anywhere near me - there is a fortnightly meeting about half an hour away but it's in the afternoons - My employers wouldn't be happy with me taking that amount of time off over an extended period. I will keep looking.
Yes, do keep looking. Organisations I have heard of are depression alliance, rethink and Mind as well of course as Action on Depression which is Scotland based. Some independent places do support groups or maybe things linked with your doctors surgery or your local mental health team for which you may need a doctors referral ; keep searching and you may find something suitable.
Nath , things still seem bad but you are making giant strides. Seeing your GP, realising that discussing things with him helped, realising that talking to others might help,posting on this forum, telling workmates something of the problem , they are all in my opinion at least, big progress . If nothing else they should make you more aware of the huge burden you were carrying, practically on your own.
You were a bit unlucky in that both your wife and closest friend were of little help in understanding depression and its problems but don't be too hard on them for this. Unless you have first hand experience of it it's difficult to understand and its not a subject many want to or find easy to discuss. These days many people are over stressed and fear for their own mental health ( its now an open secret that its a common problem, and increasing ) so are uncomfortable discussing it.
I don't know how enlightened your employer is or at what stage you are in your career but I would be a bit careful about over publiciising your depression although that will be OK as long as you ascribe it entirely to current home circumstances which is so near the truth ,its true. That apart I think that having the courage to admit to workmates that you have a problem with depression is huge progress in view of what you have posted about your usual reserve in these things. In fact if your employer knows what is happening in your marriage and sees you holding things together well as far as work goes it might do you more good than harm.
Depression very often involves slightly lower mental performance (they call it a fall off in cognitive functioning ) , slower and maybe poorer decision making, and worse short term memory. Its hardly bloody surprising when you think about it. Don't worry if it happens , as it might, as its only temporary. I was in Technical Sales Management , where being a bit devious is an asset, and was certainly not above ascribing any temporary fall off in performance by apologising and explaining " Sorry, lot on my mind at the moment, bit of trouble at home". For all I knew I was telling the truth , at least as far as lot on my mind went.
Attitudes about mental health are much improved from when I first had a problem but are still light years away from where they should be.
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