New visitor trying to support 2 friends

[Dentidoc]

I'm trying to learn as much as I can so that I can better help 2 friends who have their occasional "meltdowns". Being a supportive friend can be tough though, but after a year, I'm managing , so they tell me.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there, you don't give much detail but I hope looking at the site has helped your understanding. There are a wealth of past postsand if you click on "Search action on depression" just type in a key word which is particularly relevant and I believe you can learn a lot .

Gemma x

[Dentidoc in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemma.

I'm new to understanding depression so I don't know enough to explain what I need to know.

Each of my friends ( who don't know each other) are very successful professionally, work long hours, feel guilty about not having more time to spend with their families or for themselves, take their medications but have little time to have their conditions reviewed and reassessed, don't spend any time on sites such as this.

I listen, I don't judge, I try to advise and encourage but I feel they need to change their work schedules to allow some time for the things they want to do. They are out of balance they feel and seem trapped in their work due to high expectations of themselves and from their bosses.

So I shall continue to read and explore to better support my friends. They can b challenging at times though !

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Dentidoc]

Yes this is a bit of a problem in this modern age. People get on that wheel don't they and they go round and round without giving time for recuperation or enough quality time for themselves or their families.

It is very nice of you to want to help them and I hope you find some things useful. x

[linlow in reply to Dentidoc]

Take a gold star BUT.....

Just be careful to look after yourself. The most important thing in the help & support you are giving to your friends is your own health - if you are not in tip-top condition you will not be well enough to help them.

Take a look at the power of diet and nutrition and its effect upon depression and wellness. Also check out how current dietary guidelines (and food industry practices) are ruining our health. Macronutrients, to all intents and purposes, keep us alive but it is the micronutrients in our diet that keep us healthy. Something I learnt just recently (one of those 'Well I never knew that' moments) is that the incidence of depression amongst vegetarians is lower than that in the general population. Vegetarians are more likely than most to get higher levels of micronutrients, so that makes sense. A lot of workaholics do not take time to eat a balanced diet. Meanwhile their lifestyle ruins their well-being. It is almost as if they never heard that graveyards are full of indispensable people.

Under the same umbrella, look for signs of metabolic disorders. Recent studies indicate a link between depression and metabolic / autoimmune disorders (this is not relevant in all cases but there is an association for some and your description fits with what I have read). Check out the part that sugars (fructose) plays in these. The link into setting oneself up for a heart attack through lifestyle might just give you enough evidence to jolt your friends out of their current destructive practises.

Do a search for Dr Lissa Rankin videos. Both on TEDx and youtube she discusses the harm medications/lifestyle can do and the power of the mind to heal itself. Interesting in themselves, her videos should bring up links to others that will give you ideas for more research that might prove helpful to your purpose.

Good luck to you and your efforts - if only we all had friends like you

[Dentidoc]

Thanks, BobJensen. I'm aware that the friend/supporter/career can become a sufferer too. I'll remain vigilant.

[Maria1971]

Wow that is pretty amazing and the kindest thing anyone could do for a friend. It's not easy trying to take care of people who suffer with depression as they tend to shut themselves off from everyone. Just remember that there are no quick fixes, just be there for a hug and to listen to their rants, they will need reassurance even if it seems that they don't believe a word you say. From a fellow sufferer I can assure you that just knowing that there is someone who cares more about me than I care about myself is extremely important. You are a very good friend, just remember to not take anything they say personally, make sure you take care of yourself and carry on being the beautiful strong and kind person that you are.

[Dentidoc in reply to Maria1971]

Thanks for the encouragement, Maria. It can be tough but having read a little elsewhere, I know not to take some things personally, as difficult as that can be at times.

Good luck in your struggle. It is my very limited experience that depression sufferers are quite remarkable people and don't realise it themselves.

[Maria1971 in reply to Dentidoc]

That is the saddest part about depression is the way is skews your thinking it is no surprise that suicidal thoughts are common for most sufferers but they don't do it for the attention they do it to stop the pain.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi, just to tell you about a free online course developed by University of reading which talks about depression and anxiety and also has pages related to supporting someone with depression or anxiety. futurelearn.com/courses/anx...

Gemma

(You do need to register to do it but it is completely free and you never receive any junk mail from them or anything) Very useful for sufferers too. I am working my way through it as it was recommended by someone else on here) I particularly like the section which refers you to befriending worldwide which has a good section for LGBT people.

[Dentidoc]

Many thanks, Gemma. I'll have a look at it later. I've done a couple of Futurelearn courses before, related to my profession, and enjoyed them.

[berlington]

hy, wish I'd had a friend like you back in the day , is it tough ? only you can answer. do you resent your friendship ? these are key words as I know how difficult it can be, but also how wonderful as this friend of yours is, sensitive, receptive, individual, wonderful person, but also hard work. Is it worth it ? or on a personal level can you no longer deal with it ? Be true to yourself and above all honest, the worst thing ever for a mental health issue is to have a fair weather friend, it dose more harm than good. xxx

[Dentidoc]

Well Berlington, my two friends can be very difficult and provoke challenges at times. But I understand that that is all a part of their make up due to their depression. The other side of the equation shows them to be caring, sensitive, empathetic and driven. From time to time, they make me feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around them, for no particular reason in my mind but for a good reason in their minds. Eventually , they'll explain what their triggers were and I write that down and try to remember it: it can be a single word, a context, a mental image that occurs in conversation, the boss on their backs and they vent to me or nothing in particular.

The last one is hardest to deal with but I am learning to accept that not every situation can have an answer and neither does it always deserve or need an answer. Some things just are.

I don't find it particularly difficult to remain friends with these people and I am also learning about myself. That's a very salutary thing to learn.

Thanks.

[Findingme in reply to Dentidoc]

Sorry, but it sounds to me as if you are being 'trained' to be the wailing wall for these people. Unless you are getting paid to be their professional counselor, I would set a few boundaries of your own, and insist on a time limit for their problems. Actually even professionals set a time of 1 hr normally, in order to keep the person focused and to ensure they themselves get a break. Why not listen for a while and then turn the conversation to something more positive, or go do something fun. That might help them retrain their brains too so as to stop dwelling on their issues too much.

[Dentidoc in reply to Findingme]

Dear Findingme, no need to start with an apology.

I am not being paid by them other than in friendship. One of the two is in the UK which is a +5 hour time difference for me. So the working day is nearly half done when I wake up so the day's experiences are impacting, for good or for bad, my friend's mind. So I listen to that.

In total we may spend an hour a day chatting about general stuff, occasionally about their mood and attitude: sometimes we miss days.

My aim, in general, is to try to turn their cyclical thoughts into a prioritised list and bite off small pieces at a time to get through it. It's nothing miraculous, just supportive.

[Hidden in reply to Dentidoc]

You seem to be a very good friend to your friends. You seem to have grasped the difficulties of " mental Health" issues IE what triggers a episode or not as each time it can be totally different. As for walking egg shells I know exactly what you mean unfortunately it's the people around me that walk on egg shells not me, I really seem to only have one good friend who will ( when I seem better) will try and talk to me about the "problem", sometimes I can relate to this other times I just shrug my shoulders & sat Kay Sara (what ever will be) On behalf of your friends I say keep up the good work, but as others here have said make sure you keep yourself well both physically & mentally.

[Dentidoc in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the encouragement, John156.

Depression, in all its forms, is difficult for the non sufferer to understand. I don't mean to preach and none of this is new. But its hard to feel empathy when there's no visible lesion, no bandages placed, temperatures are usually normal.

We can't see the inner turmoil, the repetitive thoughts that come into the mind and go, over and over. But I can recognise skepticism and cynicism that affects my two friends a lot, distrust of most people including me, and affection for their families most of the the time.

Its such a wicked surreptitious disease.