Disappointment after disappointment...

[Livingittoo2]

I think this is where we lose our hope, our motivation and DEEP rooted depression sets in. How it is defined for me, just I cannot THIS time snap out of it! Two car wrecks back to back,neither my fault of the 9 wrecks I have been involved in during my life. You KNOW what it entails, Dr.s, Pain,bills, appts, more pills, lack of exercise, family confrontations, dealing with the 2 ins. companies, hiring a lawyer, outta work, more pain and doctors, rehab visits. I was just overwhelmed. Broken hand, busted lung, you just know it could always get worse. Naturally your credit goes down! ALL this has been a big factor of my depression. Now for family, another disappointing factor, as they can be misunderstanding( they have not lived thru  ANY of this,and cannot relate in the least?) NOPE and nope. Oh, did I mention identity theft during all this too by a close family member,now ex son? Yepp, add that, death of a son. One who tortured me, and continues to do so daily, via email, iphone and computer compromises and the courts allow this to happen, as does the local police department! Impossible to work with all this crap going on. You live to go to doctors, rehab, and struggle just to get the clothes and your dishes done. Was also raising our granddaughter for 5 years, and now she is back with her mother whom now that relationship is forever "strained" as a result that she was not "ready" to have her daughter back and anger and resentment resulted. Husband of 34 years wants to think I have lost my mind  and then says, I just do not know how to use my computer,my phone, etc. Then later says it must be all my imagination, topped with , well guess "you get what you deserve", kinda comment. Well, now Judge just cannot believe a son would do this stuff to his mother, says just live without all this stuff. LOL But wow, why or how could I be depressed? I just feel like alot is pointless now. Alot of folks I did love and care about are dead and the ones alive, might as well be dead too. And we all are going to die, so what the hell? Our country has no hope,I am a baby boomer and all my friends with a brain feel the same. Kids , mine and theirs are such a huge disappointment and grandkids today are also----what is there left? There seems no resolve, recourse or even hope today. I do just wanna sleep and just get thru the day at 55, I cannot take even 10 more or 5 more years like this. Relieved I am not getting out alive! Yes, let me find rest and peace at last.AMEN. Before,  I wondered why the elderly wanted to die, now I see why, even at my age. A real shame that our government is the BIGGEST, IF not the SINGLE cause of the corrupt, break-down of our family structure and the country has gone to HELL>shame on them!I  wish I could help my friends too that are going thru this, but I cannot, even help myself. Even Robin Williams could not overcome the BLACK DOG! It is an epidemic now.

[Hidden]

I understand you were born in 1965, to young for all that swinging time, I was fifteen in sixty five and I still wondered how I missed out of that period. I was of course one of those baby boomers and I felt that the boom was more of a fizz, as I was crazy to get engaged.

One thing I always remember of that time of cruelty and stacks of Physical Punishment. Not very nice really and something I really do not want to remember. We all have selective memories we need to approach and to know what really did happen.

Like you I had several accidents in my first cars, one of them quite serious where I skidded and hit a sandstone wall at sixty miles an hour, the windscreen ended up with the bonnet lid on the far side of the road with the cylinder head twenty feet in the reverse direction. We always have accidents and we all have to deal with the consequences, health or legal, we need to move on and learn from those experiences.

Life is really all like that and many people will have problems throughout their lives and be unable to sort out these situations. I was like yourself and it took me until I was sixty before I was able to walk away from that nasty period that was my life of that sixty years. In my case it took many years of mental illness before I understood the only one that could help was me and talking to many CPN chewing over the same piece of grizle. Only I could get that change and sort out my problems

One thing I would advise is talk to your GP and ask for a course of CBT, you need to get rid of the anger and stress that is your life and file away all that negativity. One thing you will find is that you will be given support, although it is only you who can pull yourself out of your anger and stress. All they can do is point you in the right direction, you do the rest.

Talk with your GP, He is in partnership with you as far as your health is concerned.

We are here too listen and encourage you and be there when needed. However it is up to you to put yourself in a better place even when that place can difficult to approach and defeat

BOB

[EPHK in reply to Hidden]

What I picked from your wonderful, empowering post Bob is "stacks of physical punishment." Being a child, vulnerable and trying to make sense of the world this can be a shattering experience bringing lots of shame. Shame is the daunting feeling of "I am a bad person, not worthy of love, not worthy of acceptance." Grown ups never realised how much damage they could cause and what they did was probably because they knew no better from their family of origin.  See, part of the heirloom in families is not just "grandma's jewellery and grandad's watch" but also the baggage (emotional baggage that is) that gets passed down the generations -and luckily in the process some people manage to make it lighter by getting rid of toxic content. Children need to feel loved, it is a prerequisite for survival, we have to be liked by our primary carers and if at any point we feel threatened by them and the trust is broken we are lost, shamed and traumatised, feeling unworthy of their love. We then grow up to mistrust the world because this is what we've learnt in our early years. If a person has spent most of their earlier years trying to please mum and dad so they won't get punished they grow up feeling that their needs come second to everyone else's, they have to please the world before themselves and can easily be taken advantage of or bullied because they feel "I don't count, others count more than I." Alternatively, a child whose parents didn't bother much with them during their earlier years feel they have to survive by themselves so at the slightest manifestation of emotion they back off (people not wanting to get too emotionally involved, simply because whenever they tried to show emotion as kids they were met with indifference so emotion is "a bad thing.") Some people may also feel "I am bad, the world is bad" because their emotional needs were not met as children and it was all too much to handle. However, it can all be corrected and it is not all black and white.  Some were brought up in an emotionally secure environment and those may handle life for the most part; I am saying for the most part because a particular event which may have caused them trauma earlier may throw them off balance if it re-surfaces in a similar situation in the present. If you are interested in that sort of thing, John Bowlby and his Attachment Theory papers are an interesting read or "Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame" by Patricia Deyoung. A good partner may help one grow to a certain extent and a good therapist may further that.  I believe everyone can  reach an emotional Nirvana, it takes investment though. All the Best.

[EPHK]

A lot has been happening in your life! Sooo much to handle, no wonder you feel so down.  It generally seems trouble comes in bulks, one thing happens and then the next. And when we are served a dish full to the brim we naturally panic.  I imagine it is very disappointing to be let down by your own flesh and blood re: your son but once the umbilical chord is cut people are autonomous and as they grow they become more independent and THEY choose whether to be good or bad.  We bring up our children to the best of our ability and with the best intentions (albeit we all make mistakes which is part of being human.) Does your husband know how you feel? Would it be an idea to ask him not to criticise you now that you are in a such a low? You need a good word, not criticism at this point.  We look after a wounded person, we do not injure them more (or if we cannot look after them we leave them alone.) Would counselling help? Contacting your local MIND (it's a nationwide organisation) may point you to the right direction.  There are lots of people overtaken by the big black dog, you are not alone. What happens if one stops feeding the big black dog? It will almost certainly shrink over time.  It seems that bringing up your granddaughter had given you a new lease of life and now she has been taken away from you, you also mourn that loss. Could you talk to someone, preferably not about problems (hence stopping feeding the big black dog) but stuff in general, to take your mind off things? It is great to air our emotions but there may come a point that the more we talk about the same problems the more we feed the big black dog. A lot of problems are beyond our control, question is how we handle them; do we let them get at us or do we put up a shield by accepting that we have done our best and this is the best we can do. Take a moment to be kind to yourself; a hot bath, a cup of tea, a nap with a cozy blanket, whatever works.  When we have a temperature we take time to rest; resting repairs our bodies and restores our energy.  Resting also helps when we feel emotionally vulnerable.  Don't feel guilty about that pile of dishes or the laundry waiting to be sorted; what matters now is you feeling better. Having said that, some people feel better by throwing themselves into a task (sorting out drawers, painting, cleaning etc.) Gauge what works for you, let your loved ones know that you are dealing with quite a lot of emotion currently and that you need kindness/your space. If they are not compassionate, look after yourself as best as you can and don't pay attention to anyone else. All the Very Best.

[Allestklar123]

Hi,

I can see that black dog in everything you say. I am not surprised you are depressed. You have every reason to be depressed. Any one of those things would make anyone feel depressed. Well done for keeping going.

When times are difficult, everything feels difficult and remembering that it is not all bad is impossible. That's the black dog.

I agree with you about government policy. I agree that the betrayal and identity theft is awful. Having an accident is awful, let alone having two. It's not surprising you are finding life difficult right now. I am not surprised you feel vulnerable and hurt and depressed. I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed, it sounds overwhelming.

It's a protection mechanism to focus on the bad, it is meant to help avoid danger but is not really helpful in a modern word.

You need time to recover. You need understanding and support. You need someone to listen. You need not to be judged. You need help to make sense of all this.

Your GP will help. You can get medication to help with your mood. Then you need counselling to sort out your feelings about all that has happened. Maybe through that insurance so that access will be quicker.

Try to think of exceptions to all the bad things that have happened. A sunny day, you getting out of bed. 

I found it helpful to think that the past is the past and can not be changed. The future, no matter how good we are at predicting it is unknown. All we have is now.  I think everyone has to find their own way of looking at the world that is helpful to them. Forget trying to find the truth and find your truth. What helps you to feel better? What can you do that is helpful to you?  

I really hope that helps. You can get through this time. Things can get better. 

Ally

[imnotalone23]

I completely understand where you're coming from...i have been dealing with depression since a teenager and its only now, 9 years later i'm finally getting the help that i need.

I might not be much help however i just want to tell you that you're not alone. Ever since the age of 15 my life has been a complete disappointment. It all started from a sporting dream which i had trained for from from the age of 6. My dreams were shattered just two days before the biggest competition of my life by a broken back. Even though i was unable to continue my dream, i had disappointment from family and friends too. From this moment on, things got worse and worse, a couple of weeks later my granddad died shortly followed by my grandma. The two people still to this day i wish i could be with.

When think its time for something good to come my way, i was wrong.... In just 6 months i have had relationships broke up, debts, work problems along with car accidents and emergency operations (note that no one was by my side through all this).

After 9 years and numerous attempts to end it all, i finally started getting help. I have been placed on anti-depressants (currently on my second day), awaiting my therapy sessions. I know i'm far from ok but this is honestly my last resort. Its early days but surely nothing else can drag me down further?

If you ever need anyone and think you're alone through this, you're not. I'm here too! <3