My last few days..

Good morning all

I know I received so much support, understanding & advice following my previous post that I thought I would post again after the events of the last few days.

In common with a number of people on this site I tend to live my live absorbed by negative thoughts. Sessions of CBT have not helped with this & I find myself on the edge of being physically sick most of the time with anxiety & worries. I have now booked onto a Mindfulness course which starts in late January and am very hopeful this will help. The issues over the last few days have been when we have on 2 occasions entertained at our house both family & friends and we are hosting a New Year's Eve party too. The problem with this is that it plays on all my insecurities which boil down to I don't think I am worth anything and nothing I do has any worth. I am desperate for everyone to have a good time, to have enough to eat etc and feel that if they don't it is my fault. I am also concerned/embarrassed by our house thinking it is not big enough, well decorated enough and this sends me into spirals of negative thoughts - I should be earning more, we should have a bigger house and so it goes on.... I know these thoughts are so unhelpful and I should be challenging them and that the word should is a real problem. Despite all this knowledge I am unable to shake off this negative mindset which quite frankly is ruining my life and the life of those around me. I had an argument with my wife about it all last night in which she said I am making everyone's life miserable.

Having written all this down it does now seem all so trivial and these are definitely 'first world problems' however, I hope you will see these as examples of the kind of thoughts that plague me on a daily basis. Last night I took myself off to bed at 9 o clock feeling so horribly low and had the thoughts that everyone would be much better off without me & I hate feeling this way, again. I know I have unrealistic expectations and want everything to be perfect when in life things seldom, if ever, are. I know all these things, the only thing I don't know is how to put this into practice and stop the toxic thoughts which I am so very very desperate to do as they just keep me in a deeply depressed state. I feel as if I have forgotten how to enjoy anything which is sad as I have so much to be grateful for.

Pete

[Hidden]

Merry Christmas

We all have of feelings of insecurity and these can affect those around us who become , annoyed and upset as they what our insecurities effect or lives and those around us. Sometimes these problems take on a pathway of self destruction and self loathing that will be able to be picked up by those who are also our friends

Depression then becomes self destroying and we try and pull away into our little world of insecurity.

You say you are having a party, I understand your feelings that you are not good enough and the home is in a rest. These feelings again are not unusual and you should calm and understand you have friends who will visit you, who must think something of you to visit you in your home to celebrate 2015. So you are lucky you have friends of sufficient numbers to make the party swing.

Your wife will pick up your negativity and possibly have doubts arriving from these feelings you are suffering from. You have discussed this party and agreed to have it,now you are putting doubts in Her mind, worrying about you and your negative insecurities. She must be pulling her hair out. with worry.

Your condition is following a well worn track, you are not unusual. I understand you are seeing a mindfulness course. They will instruct you in the ways of relaxation and will help you deal with your negativity.

Possibly you may be able to see a CPN who will discuss your negative thoughts and how to control them and medications that can take the bite out of your worries.

So enjoy your party, we all have the same worries and hopefully as the night goes by you will understand how unimportant your worries have become. Life is full of what if, that can destroy your live,

Life is for living, we all have problems that seem impossible to sort out , this is part of living so grab your life and run with it.

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bob for taking the time to respond. What you have said is very wise indeed and does strike a chord with me. I do intend to have a good time and do as much as I can to battle these thoughts. I am already on high doses of medication which do not seem to lessen the pain. I have been seeing a therapist on & off for a year now but still seem to be in the same position. I think the issues lie with me and I must address these for the good of myself and my family.

Take care

Pete.

[21esme]

Hi Pete,

I think I understand this level of anxiety and self criticism. You think everything is being judged and you are never good enough. That you are responsible for everyone's happiness. The anxiety does make you physically sick.

I think mindfulness will help you. It helps to live in the moment.

I find challenging the negative thoughts for me didn't massively help. A lot of us know the theory! Such as not having the black and white thinking, the shoulds, the perfectionism. With depression and anxiety it is difficult to drown out the negative thoughts. They become overwhelming. I did try techniques such as defusing the negative thoughts by naming them or singing them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

There are many books that people have recommended on the site or counsellors have recommended. Such as Paul Gilbert the compassionate mind. There may also be some info on you tube. I don't know if you have read much about how the mind works but for me it helped to understand that those negative thoughts are our brains trying to protect us from perceived threats. Or that there are three centres of the brain and the threat centred one is the most primitive and the one we are programmed to take notice of!

I was recommended a mindfulness website which has some free meditations. Franticworld.com. Try the 3 minute meditation a couple of times a day. It is hard at first but might help you remember to be kind to yourself and reflect on those things you did once enjoy or take joy in.

Sarah x

[Hidden in reply to 21esme]

Thanks Sarah. I will certainly have a look at the website and see if I can find more information about the brain as what you have mentioned does make sense.

Like you I am now planning a return to work after the Christmas break on Jan 5th. I will be working short days 9-1 initially. I have asked to change to part-time working 3 days a week and this is under consideration.

I hope your return has gone ok?

Take care & happy New Year.

Pete

[Photogeek]

Hi Pete

I'm not sure that I can be of much help to you, I can relate to that feeling

Of Inadequacy and stuff. I feel like that sometimes , and I think we will all feel

Critical of our homes or houses if we compare ourself unfavourably to others,

It's all relative really. I live in an Apartment so of course it's small but it's my home

And I have it exactly how I want it. Pete if I was to start comparing myself

To my sibling, it would be a route to a deep Depression, so I try not to obsess

about it.

Mindfullness has helped me stay in the present, enjoy the moment and this

Stops me looking back on my life with regrets . I try not to worry about the future, although I do know what you mean about negative thoughts.

Have you always been like this, or did something trigger all these Depressing

Thoughts?

I hope Mindfulness helps you Pete. For me I think I get help from lots of

Different sources. Rather than one big " this will cure you or change your life".

I try and make myself spend time doing things I love. ... Photography. Painting and

Journaling . Baking and cooking . Walking and Yoga and listening to Music.

Pete it's a Constant battle for me, it's not easy and naturally life never stays

The same for long.

I wish you a Happy New Year and I hope your mood improves too.

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah.

I know that one of the biggest problems I face is comparing myself, what I do & what we have to others. I have told myself so many times that this is pointless & harmful to my mental health yet I still do this! I have always done this to some degree but in the last year or so this has got much worse along with the depression (no surprise there). As you say this is a constant battle and one I need to address if I want my mental health to improve.

Thanks you for your best wishes and I wish you a Happy & healthy 2015.

Pete

[Suzie40]

I've put a post up for you Pete! X