My last update was 9 months ago (hence the title) but I thought it'd be the right thing to do to keep the situation up to date. I've put off updating mostly because I've lost a lot of enthusiasm for life in general. Don't worry, we aren't talking suicide here. Rather, it's about no longer feeling 'up for the fight' when it comes to life and its plethora of issues going on around me. I'd probably read my other post first to provide some context if you're especially interested:
Still jobless. Work permit is apparently coming in December at the earliest. Means we're broke pretty much constantly. If it comes in December it means that I've been virtually housebound for 15 months. 15 months of doing nothing but try to look after a wife and 3 children all of whom are highly neurotic, emotional and argumentative.
Last post I made I explained that if I tried to talk to my wife about any issues I had in my life it'd result in me getting shouted at, ridiculed or threatened with eviction. Over the past nine months that has not changed. In fact, I would argue it's gotten worse to the point where I have to leave the house for hours on end and with nowhere to go (no part of my blood-family live even on the same continent as I do now) regardless of time, weather or any other factor. I actually got egged by teenagers one night on a de-stess walk (ironic I know) but that's a discussion for another time.
Anyway I read a lot of online literature about stress, depression and how to deal with both. Been trying to use a few techniques but it honestly feels like I'm wasting my time. It's hard to work with children when you know your wife is completely inconsistent when it comes to discipline and will very willing verbally berate you in front of them. Eventually I completely lost the plot when I got hit by my daughter [14] once too often because I called her out on her locking out and shoving her much younger brother and I did give her a moderate clip back in a place I felt would at least not hurt but would at least get her away from me. I felt bad enough at the time for doing it but felt there really wasn't another option I could take by that point. Later on when my wife returned from work she decided that rather than sit us all down and help work out a solution that the best idea was to bring my daughter and I together and spend the next hour shouting at us about how stupid we are. Needless to say it didn't help.
Both my wife and daughter are on more medication now to try and control their issues (both have ADHD, are very impulsive and don't think of the consequences until far after the event). I'm not really sure if it's helping much. There's less fighting but I suspect a lot of that is because they're both sleeping far more as a side effect.
Even though I've been in Canada for over a full year now, I still feel completely alone and isolated. To make things worse, all the fighting has resulted in me detesting my own wife. Now obviously I'm not going to say that to her because it'd be setting fire to the tail of an enraged lioness, but we're virtually never intimate anymore and I know full well that it's causing even more stress for the both of us. It's almost like I'm being punished for trying to make people happy, although at the same time it could be considered survival instinct because if I was kicked out I would have nowhere to go and be penniless to boot. I read a lot into how to improve relationships but a lot of the advice and information falls flat because I can't even begin to criticise either how the house works of my wife directly without getting an ear full of verbals or being threatened with eviction so I'm really feeling like I'm wasting my time.
We have two dogs now. We got one because my daughter's psychologist recommended one for her and we got the other because my wife got jealous. Now as a person that doesn't like dogs and gets no free time as it is, being strongarmed into having to deal with dogs all day every day isn't something I'm thriving on to say the least.
I'm so down in the dumps nowadays that I often hide in bed and pretend I'm asleep so that I can avoid having to deal with anyone or anything around me. I also tend to eat alone as being picked at constantly for how much and what I eat has eroded my enjoyment of food socialisation away. I'm almost always full of headache and I always feel tired but usually can't sleep anyway. I know none of this is healthy but I feel powerless and that there is no way out. I don't want to give up on my family but it feels like the only way I can avoid is to give up on life entirely as at least that way I'm being equally depressed and lethargic to everyone.
I'm sorry I've droned on for so long but I have very few avenues to get any information out on. My wife won't let me talk to a lot of my friends from the UK because they're female, my closest male friend is also depressed and lacks general empathy skills and I have to put a brave face on emails to my parents because they and my wife don't get on and my wife tends to read a lot of my emails (she's working currently). I also can't go to a counsellor as my wife isn't on board and I have to rely on her to look after the kids if I was to attend.
Again, sorry for going on so long. Thanks for reading.
Written by
Onion1
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9 Replies
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Hi Onion nice to hear from you. I am sorry you are still having problems. Have you and your wife tried relationship counselling? You might be able to get it free or at very low cost.
A few other things strike me. You describe your daughters and wife as 'highly neurotic, emotional and argumentative' now I am not saying this is the case but in my experience men will often think of women that way. I have experienced it myself and I am none of these things. I will certainly become argumentative if anyone treats me that!
Second you use the word 'criticise' when you try to talk to your wife. Is that how you communicate with her? If you do then no wonder there are arguments. Have you tried having a heart to heart talk with her and both of you really listening to what each other is saying? Don't lay blame or guilt on each other - you need to communicate properly. The discussion needs to be how she feels and how you feel.
Third even with the advice from the psychologist I can't understand how you can get a dog and even a second one when you are so skint. Dogs are expensive to keep and to look after and what happens if one of them gets ill? Can you afford vet fees? All this is just making the family more broke and can't be helping things can it?
You and your wife need to be united in dealing with your children otherwise they will play you
off against each other coz kids are monsters. I presume you were in love once. Can you try to reconnect with your feelings for each other? x
As willing as I would be to go counselling with my wife, she has expressed throughout our entire relationship that she will not attend anything to do with counselling whatsoever.
It's not just the females in the house that are argumentative I can assure you haha! I'm certain we all have our issues regarding arguments. I should stress though that both females in the household are on medication in an attempt to make them relax and think through what they're doing in an attempt to try and prevent arguments from existing. I know I can get argumentative when stressed out. That being said, I'm usually stressed out because of everyone around me arguing so I feel like I get dragged down a bit in that regard. I know before I arrived here I usually couldn't be bothered arguing so I'd just nod and agree to everything. Now that I'm 'in charge' of a family dropping head in the sand obviously isn't a solution.
I did use the word 'criticise' possibly too loosely. I do indeed point out where improvements can be made. However, I try to do so by merely suggesting alternative ways of doing things. I know that dealing with children is easiest when both parents are on the same wavelengths as one another and that is very difficult when your significant other will avoid rules and schedules as much as possible when I myself would rather timetable everything so everyone knows their boundaries. Anything personal is guaranteed to end poorly because my wife takes everything as being an attack on her. "If you don't want me the way I am, then leave" is usually the salvo I get when trying to help because she knows fully well that I can't and won't leave, meaning I have to cave in every time because I don't fancy having to live on the street. I'm maybe more resentful because I've not permitted a chance to change any of the pretty obvious issues the household has, given I'm the newest arrival of the 5.
Our finances are in short a complete joke. $600CAD for two dogs came mostly from selling possessions in the house and from my wife working extra shifts during the busy Christmas period. We live in a house the size of a postage stamp with 5 pets [2 dogs, 3 cats], 5 people and there's really not enough space for anyone to get away from each other, causing further stress. I'm basically told by my wife that because I can't work yet I shouldn't worry about the finances. In fact, any time I mention how much the dogs cost to maintain the response is [and usually shouted], "go get a job then!" because she knows I'm legally not allowed to and that it deeply hurts having to be a passenger in the financial turmoil. If a pet gets ill, the money appears to "magic out of nowhere" as I usually say to her. In reality, the money comes from family on a temporary level and on a permanent level from any leisure/family time funds. It doesn't help that my wife won't cancel the cable and/or phone [despite it being in MY NAME], which would save at least $70pcm but that's a different problem.
I'm more than certain she still loves me but that's because the... and I'm reluctant to call it verbal abuse but it probably is appropriate to call it that is almost always one way traffic from wife to husband and life for her has rarely been any different since becoming an adult. She has the power because she has supply chains around her and I have no safety blanket whatsoever. I arrived here with the assurance I'd be allowed to stamp my mark on the family but in reality I feel more like a slave sadly. Hurts to even type it but I have no idea how to rekindle it if she seems entirely unwilling to change even the things that are blatantly causing friction.
Hi Onion, it was good to see that you had posted today. I've not seen you in ages!
I have a friend who has adult ADHD and I can't spend more than an hour with her before feeling completely and utterly exhausted. Some days I walk away from her house feeling like I'm about to explode. She can never be wrong, she's argumentative, head strong and can be very intimidating in her approach. To try and imagine someone being married to her - I just can't!
I think it says a lot about you as a person that you keep persevering with this relationship, but it can't be just about their needs. Yours are important too. Firstly, I would change your password to your email account and remind your wife that you are entitled to send and receive emails confidentially. There will be valid reasons why your family and she don't get on, and you mustn't let her isolate you from them.
As for the clip you gave your daughter, we've all done it onion. I think you've recognised that it wasn't the best solution to the problem, and you'll learn from that. Your wife needs to recognise that a united front when dealing with negative behaviour is essential. If your kids see a weakness, it'll be their way in.
I hate to think of you feeling so isolated in a country so far away. Please keep us updated on how things are going for you. We can at least offer some support here, which might hopefully help x
Oh I know the kids play my wife and I against each other because we go about things very differently. However, there's no compromise possible between us. What's worse is that on the odd occasions where I feel the need to be relatively blunt and to the point to her she will automatically bounce off the handle and into a frenzy. For example I currently have my wife's wedding and engagement rings in my pocket as she threatened to throw them away because I felt the need to explain that I'd have to assess my options if I was continued to have no control over my own life.
I appreciate the offer of support from everything here obviously but thanks for putting it out there. Considering almost every other outlet has been restricted out of my own control, it's reassuring that there is somewhere I can go and not get verbally massacred for being in a poor situation.
Hi Onion thanks for clarifying the situation. It is not long to December and you being legally allowed to work so this should help you enormously when you can get a job. Firstly you will be out of the house a considerable time and secondly you will then have some financial clout to make decisions in the household. You will have more choices to either work at it or leave.
It sounds very difficult for you but things will be improving soon at least on the financial front so hang on in there and see how it goes then.
I know you said you don't like dogs but how about taking them out for walks? This will serve 2 functions - firstly you will have somewhere to go and second you are bound to get talking to other dog walkers and you might even be able to make a friend or two.
Good luck with it all and let us know how you get on. xx
I remember being forced to take one of the dogs for a walk once. It was 45 minutes of me dragging a completely uninterested dog around haha. I find them very stressful and anxiety provoking. Means when I do try to unwind and go for a walk I usually go by myself.
My only real concern about the work permit is that it's December "at earliest" which could theoretically mean any time from then. Don't think I could handle it being delayed much further.
Onion, sorry to hear that things continue to be so difficult. Have to say that I think anyone would be struggling to cope with what you have taken on.
Really sorry to hear that the physical intimacy is a concern. Have to say that on your side that could be part of the depression. However, I know that it is something that can be an important way of communicating, particularly when verbal communication can be difficult and it does seem to be a sign that trust is breaking down ... You can rebuild trust but you can't do it without talking, which makes your wife's outright opposition to counselling very difficult.
Physical intimacy is important to me, I know so it was quite difficult for me when it slipped away at the end of my marriage (though it had always been a little difficulty as my partner had a lot of hang-ups in that area ... and I've always been amazed that actually I don't). I can remember thinking about having an affair and talking about it with some friends, but without feeling that the marriage had actually ended and that I had stopped loving him ... though upon reflection I do feel it was a sign that things had broken down.
Can only empathise on that one ... fortunately things weren't complicated for us by the presence of children which ...
So back to thinking that anyone would actually struggle with the situation you are in.
When it comes to the intimacy aspect I know my mind/body is craving it but it can't go anywhere because the wife is so down on her own physique and is never in a good enough mood to get involved. It's pretty horrible because it's leaking out of me as lustfulness. Now I'd never have an affair but it's frustrating when the vast majority of my dreams are about being intimate with other people because I know it's not happening with my wife in real life. It was actually brought up recently by my wife whether watching pornography in a marriage is acceptable. Personally it doesn't bother me but my wife got very upset when I admitted that I continued to watch it [for me it's the only way I can 'get it out of the system'] so now that's been banned too.
I know having children in the equation puts extra pressure on me to stay, even though they're not biologically mine. I really only blame myself for getting stuck in such a situation.
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