Trying to do some reflection on life issues... "The grass seems slightly less brown on this side...probably."

[Onion1]

I've posted here a couple of times before and the different perspectives and answers you hear provoke reflecting on life in different ways.

What I cannot avoid however is that all reflecting appears to conclude with "well at the least the grass here is slightly less brown than on the other side...probably" or words to similar effect.

I'll summarise weighing it up here:

Living with wife and 3 kids in Canada:

+ I'm with the people I know I love most and need me the most for both their own mental and physical support.

+ Potential for a better job due to our inner city housing location.

+ It feels good to be being loyal to both marriage vows and simply the notion of "what the right thing to do" is.

- Any time for myself to unwind and relax is extremely limited.

- The demands of looking after 3 children and a more than demanding wife (bi-polar and emotionally scarred from an event in childhood) results in a high-stress life both socially and financially.

- There's a distinct feeling that I don't really belong here. The house hasn't changed whatsoever to cater to any needs created by living here and it's resulting in the feeling of being a bit of a burden. As I also don't know very many people or the geographical area very well I feel isolated and unable to leave the house.

Being in the UK, living with parents [with aim to move with employment]:

+ Freedom to go pursue other activities when stressed or in need of a new experience to prevent life getting excessively monotonous.

+ I would be in a society that both understands me more and that I turn would understand and relate to better.

+ My relationship with my blood family wouldn't be quite as atrocious as it is now (it's very hostile to say the least).

- I'd be abandoning my loyalties, which in turn would likely cause incredible emotional damage for my wife, inherited children and myself. I wouldn't be entirely sure I could live with myself if I gave up.

- I would still have to cope with living in a household that would not want me around and in a remote, isolated location.

I'd love to be able to talk to my wife about most of the feelings I have but it simply can't happen (hence I'm here haha). Any time I bring an issue up I either get:

= '1-upped', as in I get told about worse experiences she has had before I was around to help.

= Told to grow up and act like a "real/proper parent".

= Or simply just plain shouted at and then ignored.

I'd love to have a civilized, sensible conversation with her so we could deal with our issues together but getting attacked makes me more emotionless as a way of coping with the onslaught and consequently we get nowhere.

...at least getting this all out there feels a bit better, if only temporarily!

Thanks for reading through my waffling.

[gardengnome]

just to say i love the title, gonna nick that quote.............

[Onion1 in reply to gardengnome]

Haha, feel free to.

[kezza123]

thanks for sharing, and glad you were able to talk about whats going on, just wanted to say that i often think about running away from it all but i think your family, your wife and kids would miss u so much, u would regreat it, they say you dont know what youv lost till its gone, and i think u would feel that if u came bk to the uk. its good for mental heath to get out, go for a walk with the kids see the outside world, or join a club can meet other local people get to know someone start a freindship, u deserve some time to your self so one day a week at a club will be good. as for your wife, us women folk can be confusing at the best of times, she sounds like she is stressed. good luck! i dont know what to say really, other than i hope she will sit down and have a chat with u about issues rather than sweaping them under the rug.

[Hidden]

Hello

Sorry for your problems, To recap you now have moved from UK to Canada.

Your Wife is Manic/bipolar, and you have two inherited children that came with your Wife.

In the UK you lived wife family, now you are living in A urban environment in Canada. that you like although the problem is that you feel like a fish out of water.

If you came back to the UK you would have to live with family again and they live in a country location that makes it bad to get a job

You love your wife although she is very testing when trying to talk to her, sometimes her attitude is quite upsetting

Sadly if you are not happy and the children were inherited from a past relationship,

It seems that you have tried every way to sort out this problem, the children belong to wife, You are unhappy with your lot in Canada, All I can suggest is that you come home and begin to lead an uncomplicated life and start again, can you not LET a property in a suburb environment and try and live your life. In fact getting loans for house purchase is quiet easy at this time

I understand that you will need to make your peace with your wife and the children. It may be that your moving may bring a better attitude for your wife, it seems that she needs to have mental health intervention that you would find difficult.now to cope with.

If you decide to leave try doing it as a trail first, this may help with the children to begin again, one problem I do not know how old they both are and if the father is still around.

That is all I can suggest, I really do not know the actual dynamic of your family, it seems complicated, you know where we are do not be a stranger

BOB

[Onion1 in reply to Hidden]

I can happily fill in some of the gaps for you, just so you can have more of a complete understanding.

= My wife's ex-husband is still around, albeit none of the three children call him 'dad'. Rather, they address him by his first name.

= Financially I am stranded in Canada. Every penny of my savings went into either plane tickets or to cover for when my wife couldn't work from an eye injury or when she was too distraught to work (when visiting our daughter in hospital).

= The more arguing my wife and I are doing, the less productive either of us are getting, which in turn is causing more friction. Over the past week or so I've had sciatic nerve issues so moving around has been limited, which hasn't helped. Didn't exactly get much sympathy over it - rather, I was 1-upped because she's "had it much worse in the past". Haha, can't win sometimes.

[Gambit62]

Have you ever tried looking at 'non-violent communication'? Its focus is a way of expressing needs and starting to address behaviours with someone ... and with yourself probably ... in a way that focuses on the objective rather than the personal. It can still be talking about behaviours but the aim is to really give you a way of doing it that doesn't sound like blame or demand or anything like that - have a friend who is very keen on it.

This link is to the book where she came across it first and one she recommends to people

amazon.co.uk/Nonviolent-Com...

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Gambit62]

Hello Gambit62, I am not the original poster but have just looked up the link to the book you suggest and have downloaded it to my ipod as I think it could help me with my communication skills. So thanks for this gemmalouise

[Onion1 in reply to Gambit62]

I'm going to have a look into it now. Thanks for the link.