Anxiety depression

[kevinkevinkevin]

Hello scince i was 16 years old i have mood problems Anxiety depression especially around other people,i had few friends in the past & know i dont over my own personal problems,i abused alocohol & drugs too alot in my past as with other medication,i lost good jobs over both these problems & lost friend & family 2,i grew up with one parent my mother because my parents never got on & there was alot of domestic violence in the past which i dont really remember some of it because of me being 2 young,so i grew up with my mother from the age of 8 years old,my father wasnt around working all the time,at the age of 13 eventually my father commited suicide,i never really knew my father much,at the age of 16 i left my mothers because i couldnt get on with her,i moved in to a house with my brother,after a year or so when my gather died i started getting these problems like my mood & i couldnt go outside the front door with fear of anyone i think was looking at me i would be sweating with fear but let on that i was fine trying to ignore it,most of my time id stay at home all the time but i did work now and then,there is alot more that went on in the past but to make it short and my only going to mention the important details,i did alot of partying from the age of 16 on & off with some of the friends i used have but it was all partying friends,now im 33 yers old & in the last few years ive been going around in circles repeating problems like getting a job and get high after work then after a year two or so in each job id either get fired or left go by my employer because i fucked up or there was no work,i love to be working as much as i can to keep my mind occupied and all the good & bad that goes with it,in them few past years i was homless a few times over my own fault drinking or taking too much hard drugs,i used self harm like cutting i know its a tupid thing to do but i done it to take it out on myself,i was reffered to a few mental recovery institutions along with prescribed antidepreesants but i could never tolerate the institutions and sometimes the antidepressants,i would never give myself the time or patients to for it to work,i am a very restless person more so around people,i cant stand my self on my own at best,i have constantly moved from property to property especially hate apartments over my paranoid thinking,i went to another country for anothere job but i only stead there for a month i couldnt tolerate the job over my problems,my fathers death dont bother me these problems its if they just come on with no reason,now i have no friends & i dont talk to any of my family anymore because i fell out with them all,now i moved to the other side of my own country living out in the middle of no where on my own,with no contact with no one,i have police charges againist me for some traffic offences etc,im a nice person id like to think so but when im around anyone i try to be nice as much as i posibbile,people can just see it in me that theres something not right when they talk to me but i try hard to ignore & hide my problems but they fail unless im on drugs or drink,symthoms i have today indeciceve decesions anxiety suicidal thinking and in my past i tempeted & thought of it more times that i care to remember,i think people have it in for me,poor concentration,unrealistic thinking of higher power,poor appaitite,hard to sleep or slepping too much,i get the wrong idea some times when people are talking to me,if i like someone especially a girl i get stuck thoughts of the person in my head even if i want to change my mind i cant,i have looked up my problems on the web and everything sympthom i have relates alot to b.p.d borderline personality disorder,when i was in hospitals they could is anything wrong with my general heath,i am on no medication now i was talking seratraline lustral before but hadnt really done alot for me,so the readon i posted this here today was to see if anyone could relate to me with simlilar problems and what they reccomend treatment or medication,there is times when i do feel fine but it dont last mood ptoblems,i know everyone in life has mood changes but i get mood changes to a point where i cant socialise or make friends,when i talk to anyone in general i talk too fast and somtimes sweat,or keep thinking people or looking or judging me even when im not talking to anyone,im paranoid of the way i do be acting and light headed when im in the company of anyone,my self esteem and confidence is shit and cant continue a convetsation only a bit of small talk when i know im gonna run out of something to say i try to excuse myself away from the situtation,i had a few girl friends that i dated in the past but some were mostly a drink drug party meet up one night thing,when i did have a relationship with a girl i wouldnt last over me and my problems or going out with girls that had similar problems to meself,today now i feel hopeless useless i get these unwanted attention seeking notions in my head, i hate myself and sometimes others and im unemoyed for the past year,sorry for the long story thanks.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there and yes for a first post this is quite a lot of information to take in and do justice to; but you are not to blame for that; it is more my attention span at the moment. I can see it is a summary of what has gone on for you and your troubles and that you are hopefully now at a point wherein you want to make a definate change for the better.

It would seem that your background and your father not being around and his suicide in particular will have affected you; you have maybe used alcohol and drugs as a way of coping or numbing things out and have had a restless and changeable lifestyle up till now. I don't agree with your statement that "it doesn't bother you" because it sure will have affected you all of that.

Although you say you have tried various therapy programmes and not being able to stick with them I still feel this is the best course of action for you. I am not sure whether you still have drug and alchohol problems but if you do then you will need to address this and the lifestyle choices you have made will all be tied in with this.

Just seen the mention of "borderline" in your post. In my opinion it is an overused diagnosis but if it fits for you then why not try to get into a therapy programme aimed at treating this as there seem to be a fair few around (well in England anyway). Some of them can be flexible to your needs and understand your difficulty in sustaining things without punishing you for it or cutting you out of a programme. If you don't mind moving then maybe consider a move to an area where better therapy for this is available. There seems to be plenty around in the major cities in England.

I note you are in Ireland so I don't know about that system. At 33 you probably still have a reasonable amount of physical health as the body is resilient in our 20's; but if you are still taking alchohol/drugs if don't address things now then you will become very ill as you start to get older.

Please don't hate yourself; you are not a bad person; just someone with troubles. Could you try looking up online any organisations suitable to your needs which may be able to support you and give you a way through all of this?

Gemmalouise x

[kevinkevinkevin in reply to Stilltrying_]

@gemmalouise Thanks your advice & opinion i much appreciate it : )..ya i know what ya mean..b.p.d and all these new names there giving some mental disorders these days are like a new fashon thing...its all too easy to put a lable on these disorders and people ect...i kept saying to myself again and again down threw the years theres nothing wrong with me il sort it out myself...it only goes so far then back to square one the usual story...im going to my doctor monday and see what he or she says...cause beleive me when i say this thing has ruined alot for me...and when you hit the bottom once too many times it comes down to 2 alternatives life or death...i have worked in england myself before the english are very nice people...thanks your kind words : )