I'm new here.. I have struggled on and off with depression my entire life, but lately it feels like too much to handle on my own.. I wanted to kind of write out a few things that have gone on in my life and I hope maybe some of you can give me a different perspective or some advice on what is going on in my life at this point. I'll try to keep things short and to the point, thank you for taking the time to read.
Growing up I always had self esteem issues. I had a normal amount of friends, played a lot of sports.. basically had a pretty good childhood. When I became a teenager, despite playing sports I started to gain a lot of weight. At this point, my mother (who would drink 4-5 glasses of wine a night since i was young) began drinking a lot more. She would come into my room late at night and wake me up to tell me how fat I've gotten and how no boys would ever like me if I was fat. My dad would also talk to me about my weight (which at the highest in highschool was 170 - so not enormous for 5'5'') but in a nice/normal way just wanting me to be healthy. Finally, my dad brought me to the doctor and it turned out I had severe hypothyroidism which caused the weight gain. I was put on medication, but it took years for me to be regulated. At this point I felt like it was took late emotionally for me to feel good about myself. The diagnosis did not stop my mother's late night hounding.
At this point I also started drinking which led to a lot of different drugs. I also started to self-harm. I confided in a close friend who told a teacher. From that point on I really kept my emotion to myself. I still maintained good grades in highschool and into college, but always felt extremely down on myself especially relating to appearance. While drinking I did a lot of things that I am not proud of.. I don't need to go into detail, but I still feel extreme guilt and disgust regarding a lot of things. I never throughout adolescence had a boyfriend (that lasted longer then 1 month) because I felt I did not deserve anyone. My rock bottom was getting into Veterinary School and then being forced to drop out due to cocaine use. At this point I went into an outpatient program which did not help me.
Not long after I met my now fiance. Our relationship started with drinking a lot together, but resulted in us getting sober together. I have been sober for almost 3 years. I exercised 4 times weekly and was on a really healthy diet and weighed a lot less then even my high school weight, but still feel horrible when I look in the mirror. Now, I feel like I dont deserve him, I feel like I do not look good enough for him. When he is angry he tells me I look like "I dont take care of myself" and a lot of other degrading things. Overall we have a good relationship, there is just a lot of anger issues. Generally, I wear scrubs, i wear my hair up for work.. I put on make up and hair down on the weekend. I really was exhausted from the overtime and hours I would put into work to take time to look good during the week. I always work 2 jobs over 60-70 hrs per week. Despite all the hours I am also In financial hardship due to the excessive amount of student loans I have for schooling I did not even finish.
I know my thoughts are all over the place, but also during this time my mother and father got a divorce after 25 years of marriage. My drunk idiot mother cheated on him and stole a lot of money from him.. and from me.. right out of my account. I haven't spoken to her in 4 years. Now my sister is an alcoholic, she is living with me and my dad and fiance and she got fired from her job for drinking. MY dad is extremely depressed and bought a broken down house to fix up for us to live in (since my student loans don't allow me an apartment) and since he is so depressed all the time he does not fix anything, and we are living in broken down, dirty moldy conditions - which causes strain between me and my fiance because he always wants me to confront my father. I have to watch my father be miserable, which kills me because he means the world to me. And I feel like I have no say to my sister because I also drank alot (although not nearly to the point where she is now) and I am afraid she is going to die.
To top it all off -- I finally got an amazing career and was there for 2 months when a women swerved into my fiances lane while he was driving (i was passenger) and hit us head on. I suffered a broken leg and needed 7 screws and a plate put in. I am facing more surgery now -- It is currently 3 months post accident. From being confined to bed and inactive I gained 15 pounds.. I can barely take a shower due to extreme pain so I never look good and my clothes dont fit me. MY leg looks like garbage because it is mishapen and scarred. I was recently diagnosed with Lyme disease -- so on top of the vicodan making me nauseas I am completely exhausted but I am also unable to sleep. The medical bills are straining me financially, disability isnt paying much and I am concerned about my new job.
Everything is a mess. I know I didn't write down everything and there are a lot of details I left out. I just feel hopeless. I know a lot of my strain in the past years was due to my own fault. But over the last 4 years I have done an extreme amount of self improvement and now I really just do not feel like I will ever get ahead. I cant look myself straight in the mirror, I feel myself getting more and more recluse, I do not want to see anyone or talk to anyone longer then I have too. I just feel like trash. Also, I feel like an overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about things going on in the world, really not even related to me, I cant explain it. And I constantly have fears of the house burning down while my animals are inside. So I feel like I shouldnt even leave my house.. All these weird fears are starting to scare me. I really dont want to be on meds as I am on a million right now and have seen some bad side effects with depression medication use in my family. I feel stuck with no way out and have visions of self harm and horrible nightmares.. I don't know what to do anymore.