I've been living with my mom for a year now. She was 86 and in fairly decent health until this past month, when she was hospitalized with pneumonia. She had COPD but quit smoking 21 yrs ago. She also had very severe arthritis in her legs and feet. She suffered from depression but was in denial with that up until her passing. She was also malnourished, and has been losing weight for the past 3 yrs, quite quickly. She was hospitalized for 21 days and in a rehab facility for about 2 1/2 wks. She told me one day, "please let me have my last wish, let me go home to die. I fought her on it until Friday the 13th and agreed to let her come home. I thought she was going to be walking around with a walker. No way, she couldn't even weight bear. On Saturday, she had a hospital bed. She was able to suck out of a straw half of the day and by 2:00 pm, she was not able to do that. I had to drop water into her mouth so she could take the medication. She had refused oxygen and when I put it on her at 10:00 pm, she didn't even know I was putting it on her. By 3:30 am, she was struggling to breathe, very labored and panting. I called hospice and they told me to give her 2 morphine and her xanax and within an hour and 15 minutes, she was gone. I had only been giving her 1/2 a tablet, so it was quite an increase. I am feeling like I killed her. My friends are telling me I only helped her pass comfortably, that she would have passed anyway, but struggling to breathe and in pain. I am trying to look at it that way, but it's difficult. I will be going to the grief counseling, both individually and as a group support meeting. My sister and I do not see eye to eye on much of the planning for mom's memorial. (We rarely agree on much of anything.) That makes things even harder. Thanks for listening.
I don't often post, but I do try and read as often as I can.
Thanks Hannah x. It is good to know that other people have survived this horrible loss. I have not been able to mourn, accept the morning she passed because of my sister and my disagreements on what to do with things. I am trying to accept her for who she is, which isn't very easily done. I saw my therapist today and he did help quite a lot.
Hannah has said everything I wanted to say. Remember your mum's lovely long life, enjoy your memories of her and in time the grief will pass though you will always miss her. x
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secondhandrose, I apologize to you and the rest of the forum for taking so long to respond. I have been so busy getting ready for her memorial service and now the home I had shared with my mom went up for sale today. I wanted to stay here for at least a few months, but my sister isn't allowing that, unless I buy her out. How am I able to grieve if I have to deal with all these outside issues?
Hi I am so sorry to hear of your mother's death. My mum died a year ago today and I was on my own with her when she went. It does get easier in time though it doesn't feel like that now. Trust me though it does. She is not in pain any more. She will always be with you and you will meet again one day in Heaven - I really believe that. Meanwhile allow yourself to grieve and be kind to yourself. Do whatever makes you feel better. Take care. xxx
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I do believe she is in heaven, along with my older sister and father. My mom's 2 younger sister and 1 brother all passed before her, so I am very blessed to have had her as long as I did. I am sorry you lost your mom a year ago and thank you for the encouraging words about it getting easier. It just doesn't seem possible at this time, but I am trusting it will. The process of going through all of my mom's things is almost impossible. I really hate this.
hi dazymae, my deepest condolences to you. we are never ready to lose our parents no matter how old they, or we, are.
You brought your Mom home as she wished.
You helped ease your Mom's pain and I don't believe that by giving your Mom the tablets you helped killed her. for one, the nurses cannot tell you to administer a lethal dose, and, morphine is a controlled drug.
by giving her the meds you eased her pain. had she had to wait for a nurse or doctor she would have remained in pain until they arrived, you wouldn't have wanted that.
I think it is your grief making you feel this way. It brings out many "what if?" thoughts. but remember these thoughts, whilst they may seem real, are seldom logical or true.
What you said hamble really makes a lot of sense now. Thank you for helping me see the situation more clearly. I have had many friends whose parents did pass at a much younger age, so yes, you are right, no matter what age it happens, it is a tough situation. I will try to be gentle with myself. I hope this happens, sooner rather than later.
Thank you all for your concern and advise. I have never asked for support, I try to give it, although I am not on-line as often as I would like to be. I appreciate all of the time you spent in answering my post. Blessings to all of you.
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