Life is a Rollercoaster

[Binky1]

I am so fed up & just worn right down with this mind of mine that never stops thinking, reminiscing, comparing, remembering .... feeling angry, sad, bitter, hurt, disappointed ... but then feeling guilty as I have no physical ailments so I am able to get out & about if I want to but then my mind has to come with me & that's the problem

I just can't seem to switch these thoughts off or even turn them around a bit so that i can at least move on with my life & stop hurting most of the time ... it's such a heavy exhausting burden to carry around day after day after day

I can't change the past one bit & I know that but why am I feeling as though I'm stuck in treacle & just can't move forward

Lesley x

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Lesley, sometimes there are just a lot of things going on for us emotionally and maybe a build up of stress so we need to take time out to just process it all. I feel it is a potentially good thing though and not necessarily all bad as you are evaluating your life and what you now hope to achieve having been through so many things up till now. Take it easy on yourself and just give yourself a bit of time. I do know what you mean though as I get sick of the thoughts in my head but do believe I am working stuff out and will reach an equilibrium in the end. Gemma X

[Binky1 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemma

Thankyou as that makes such a lot of sense to me

It has been a very stressful time with family issues & relationship problems, now I feel like a wounded animal just staying in bed a lot & not wanting to be bothered with any stress

I just feel that it's taking forever to kick start my life again

How are you Gemma?

Best wishes

Lesley x

[Stilltrying_]

I'm ok Lesley well up and down really. My back has been causing a lot of pain which is making me a bit low. Doing what I can; applying the ibufrophen double strength gel which eases it a little but keep having to lie down just to rest my neck. Go to go to hospital tomorrow for minor op (have botox in my bladder every 12 months; it is general anaesthetic but quick procedure and pretty painless) its just been difficult trying to find someone to pick me up as you are not allowed to leave unless you have someone to take you home and a taxi doesn't count! But I've managed to find someone even though it may

mean me waiting around for a while.

Other than that not been too bad. I actually stood up to my mum the other day. She is going through quite a good phase at the moment for her but still has her regular rants and outbursts and slightly hyterical reactions to various situations. I had spent all day Tuesday with her accompanying her to hospital. On the Wednesday she phoned and started going ballistic about the fact my sister is visiting my dad on father's day and how he doesn't deserve it and blah de blah de blah(she's spending two days with her beforehand but resents my sister spending couple of hours with dad) ; mainly lies and exaggerations about things saying the only reason she hadn't divorced him was to protect us ( load of rubbish; the reason why she didn't divorce him is because she still wants his pension).

She went on for about 10 minutes about what a terrible life she'd had,and I can't really believe that I did it but it just came out and I said "Well actually many people have had a terrible life; mine hasn't been that good really".To which she actually agreed that I had had a terrible life (but did not make the link that that may be in some way connected to her and I was not cruel enough to even attempt to point that out!) She then started the usual saying he'd never given her anything (not true) blah de blah de blah. I just said but in a not too accusatory tone something like "You know I'm getting a little sick of hearing this; there's nothing I can do about it; if you've got an issue with him why don't the two of you sort it out but keep telling me about it there's nothing I can do". I was sort of waiting for the "explosion."

She went very quiet; I was wondering if the phone would go down followed by a campaign of vengeance. But it didn't happen. I then made sure I carried on as normal and was as friendly as possible so it didn't seem like I had fallen out with her but had just made a point but that our relationship was still ok. I think I was just lucky in some ways that like I say she's going through a very calm phase at the moment. She just started talking normally again after the four second silence; I thought "Well done Gemma, you have finally challenged her on something and the world has not ended".

Later on she phoned again, I think to check how I was going to react to her. It was a weird call in that i answered and said "good evening" to which there was total silence. Then a few seconds later she said "huh"? It might be she just hadn't got a connection but this happens often with my mum; it's like she goes "deaf" or is waiting for something and then when I don't say it she doesn't hear what I do say or something like that. Anyway she was just normal with me as though nothing had happened; infact if anything she seemed to show me a bit more consideration than normal.

I never thought the day would come when i would challenge my mum and get away with it! It seems it can be done though. Her usual threat is to take someone out of the will. She has changed it so many times now though that I don't think she can afford the solicitor again I hate the fact she has put me in the position of never been able to earn my own living and now I have this terrible arthritis in my spine which is really limiting me apart from the mental health stuff.

Anyway Lesley, so that's how I am today. Just a "short summary" lol !!! X

[Binky1 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Oh Gemma you have a lot going on just now haven't you, I'm sorry you are suffering with your back as that must be very painful for you

I can identify with you & your parents, my parents split up, got divorced and then got back together again !!! No wonder I have relationship issues

First of all well done for standing up to your mother & may that be the first of many where you calmly speak your mind & hopefully the message will trickle to her eventually but it's a fine line between getting your point across or else total backlash

Your mother sounds like a very controlling woman but as you know you are an adult & completely entitled to your own opinion .. you have a voice & don't be afraid to use it .. that's what enables us to be stronger & more self assured

Good luck for tomorrow with your hospital appointment & I'll hear how you get on

Best Wishes

Lesley xx

[Stilltrying_]

Oh thank you Lesley. I had a little pang of guilt having just written what I did about my mum. I thought it would be just my luck if she dropped dead now with me having just written that, but of course even if she did it wouldn't be "my fault" she had dropped down dead as thoughts from afar cannot kill and I do still love her of course ! Yes she is controlling but a mixed bag and a feisty and strong lady in many ways. I am nearly 56 now(she is 87 and genuinely unwell now which makes things more complicated) but I have been really held back in life and just wish I had reached this stage of awareness earlier in my life when there was still chance for me to have a family and so on, but it wasn't to be, so I mustn't complain. I do get scared for the future though but I guess I need to take each day at a time.

Thanks for your good wishes for tomorrow. I will be fine. Had the op twice before and it will improve things for me a lot in respect of that particular problem. Not found anything that works as well for the back yet though!

Gemma X