Had enough :(

[Binky1]

Losing the strength and will to keep 'living' like this

Full of hurt and disappointment

What's the point of it all :((

Would be better off not here

[Gambit62]

Sorry you are feeling this way.

Sorry that you are tired - can truely relate to that - I have a B12 Deficiency and just feel so tired - want to move but can't ... and then I get depressed and just don't want to move - had a bad day as well - GP being really unhelpful over the B12 - came back in tears. Just dismissed talking about B12 out of hand when I got there - which is typical and we've never had a conversation about it - to the point that it took a phone call with a locum to let me know that injections are now a permanent feature of my life ... or die a long and lingering death from neurological and cardiovascular breakdown.

Divorce is really difficult and the pain from it tends to spill over into other situations and makes handling rejection of any sort a lot worse.

Glad that you seem to have good relationships with your children though.

[Binky1 in reply to Gambit62]

Hi gambit and thanks for reply

That sounds tough on you

I think a lot of things have just hit me at once this week and I've broke down

It's exhausting to keep getting up and trying to function

My kids add a lot of pressure to the mix as they think that Mum can fix all but I've ran out of steam big time

Best wishes to you

Lesley x

[Gambit62 in reply to Binky1]

Tough about being expected to be supermum ... could you may be get them to play 'what would mum do?' and sort things out for themselves. Might not work for everything but might give you the chance to step back a little and them the chance to gain a bit more confidence.

[Binky1 in reply to Gambit62]

My son is 23 & two daughters of 19 & 15 so they're of an age that they're independent ... of sorts but when anythings wrong they come to me, which is what I would want obviously as I'm their mum and want to be there for them

The problem is that then all their issues pile up on me and I can't cope as I worry about them all

I've been told that I'm a 'wee tough cookie' haha as I've had to cope with lots of bad things in my life but that takes it's toll & each time I'm finding it harder to face another day

How are you today? x

[Gambit62 in reply to Binky1]

Day in london - family meal as brother turned 50 in week. Bit tired at the moment but not as bad as has been for last few weeks - headache because of wine but that will clear. Was nice to see family - coped a lot better than I would have done a few weeks ago because not so tired - sniffing huge amounts of vitamin B12 finally seems to be starting to pay dividends, though will be thinking about going to bed.

Perhaps it is time to start developing an adult-adult relationship with your older children and start sharing some of your struggle with them. I know its difficult because we all feel like we are being a burden if we share the bad side but actually people tend to feel more respected and trusted if you share the bad with them as well as the good - makes them feel as if they are supporting you and hence much more a part of your life than if it is all one way. No hurry on that - just a thought.

[Binky1 in reply to Gambit62]

That sounds a lovely day for you today it's good to get out and about a d mix with other people

I feel guilty as my kids have had a tough time with the divorce so I tend to shield them if I can but as a rule they do stand on their own two feet, it's just that I worry about every wee thing so I need to chill a bit x

[Golfer15]

Hold on Lesley. Dont give up. It must get better for us.

Im feeling s**t again today. Even though the sun is shining I still feel grey. Ive been into work this afternoon and now I feel completely exhausted. At least its the weekend!

I went to a course this morning on how to control stress. It was recommended by my gp. It has just made me feel worse.

At least we have this forum to sound off. Dont say you would be better off not here.

There must be a point to it all we just dont know it yet.

Take care

David x

[Binky1 in reply to Golfer15]

Thankyou David for your kind words, they mean a lot

Yea meltdown today and stayed in bed most of the day, got a few health issues that are worrying me and that's taking it's toll on my anxiety

I'm with you as these sunny days can make me feel more pressurised to be cheery but they have the opposite effect on me unless I have something nice planned that doesn't require much energy

I hope that you enjoy a nice weekend & take time to relax & be good to yourself

Take care

Lesley x

[Hidden]

I hate it when I start wondering 'what's the point'. It's a vile feeling. You really do have my sympathy. On my better days I just think, well, we are here and maybe the reason will become clear or maybe it doesn't really matter. All we can do is our best - and okay sometimes that will not feel enough and at others it might feel impossible to even try. You can get through it - you are doing the right thing by interacting with people. That matters. We all need each other to keep on going. Your not being here would not be better. People on this site care - I'm just starting to get to know a few but it's clear that there are people who know you and want you to help.

I tried to make a bit more of an effort today - normally do a bit too much languishing around the place due to fatigue and pain. Still, I did a few things I had to do for the business I help my husband with (nothing grand - he's an electrician but there is always lots of paperwork) then thought I would take one of the dogs out for a walk. My dog, Tilly, clearly had a route in mind so I just let her lead the way and we had a nice pleasant time - bar for some brambles that became rather attached to me. The scratches will make a nice contrast to the bruises that I regularly inflict on myself by being a truly clumsy person. Then I got home and had a sudden horrible rush of acid in my stomach. Really painful. Now sitting bolt upright to try and manage the stomach problem at the expense of various other bits of me. So frustrating. Hard not to think I tried and got slapped down for it. That isn't really the case though - it's just unfortunate and I will get over it. The ironic part of it all is that I was at the doctors yesterday for a couple of things and he asked if the meds for the stomach acid were okay and I said they were. Where's the crystal ball when you need it?

I don't know if there is anything that has triggered your feeling worse today. If there is then I hope you get the support and advice that you need. If it's a black patch then we are here for you.

All the best

Deb

[Binky1 in reply to Hidden]

Hi deb and thanks for your good wishes

I agree it's a must to share our thoughts on here as we we will not be judged or questioned as to why we are feeling this way, if only we had the answer to that one eh?

That's good you've had a productive day

I also have stomach problems and worrying that I may have an ulcer or worse. I think things that I've kept under wraps have just got too much for me this week & when it's bad it just seems impossible to feel good about anything

I really appreciate that you are all here for me and that helps me a lot

Best wishes

Lesley x

[Hidden in reply to Binky1]

Hi Lesley

Noticed I'd written at the end of paragraph one - 'want you to help' when I meant 'want to help you'. Sorry - my eyes were starting to cross! Have you seen a doctor about your stomach pain? I assume you haven't had an endoscopy as they give you the results the same day - at least they did with me.

Must be scary - I will keep my fingers metaphorically crossed for you. Let us know how it goes.

Dx

[Binky1 in reply to Hidden]

Haha don't worry Debs I knew what you meant

I'm terrified of an endescopy, I can hardly get an impression at the dentist without choking never mind something much worse.

I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting) which just adds to the stress

X

[Hidden in reply to Binky1]

Do you know I always thought that was an entirely reasonable fear!! I can understand why you would be terrified of the endoscopy. I know there isn't really anything I can say that would help but the endoscopy I had I don't have any recall of at all. If they do it properly, you shouldn't. I went out like the proverbial light. My throat was totally numb as they gave me the throat spray and then a good dose of the sedatives. On the forms it looks like a choice between the two but you can have both throat spray and sedation. If they know you have a fear they would be able to manage it without you being aware of a thing. I had way better sedation than my husband and my sister as I said I was very stressed (although not about the procedure - had a four hour wait and hurt like hell as I can't sit for 10 mins without severe pain). Hubby and sister still can't remember their procedures but comparing notes afterwards I did have a bigger dose.

I do know that logic doesn't help phobias. I had a fear of being sedated/general anaesthetic and never waking up again - it wasn't exactly a phobia but I was doing everything I could to avoid any operation (again a fairly sane behaviour to my mind). Fortunately, because the anti-ds I'm on mean I don't tend to feel anything very much I wasn't worried before either procedure.

I have just seen your post about eating toast... I did find cutting out gluten/wheat seriously improved my stomach pain and IBS. The gastroenterologist told my husband (and I knew separately from studying the subject) that everyone eats far too much gluten/wheat and in fact our bodies weren't designed to do so at all and only tolerates it with varying degrees of success. Some people won't get symptoms but others, being more sensitised will.

It may feel like a no-win situation but unfortunately you need to have a proper diagnosis so that you can get the right treatment. The longer you leave it the more stressed you will probably get and stress causes nasty hormones to muck around with our serotonin levels thus making depression worse - and of course can cause acid stomach problems.

Stomach cancer (I'm not talking about bowel or colon) does tend to have a very low rate in this country - it's higher in a particular country that is a fan of raw fish. Best avoid dishes like that to be honest. I studied nutrition and know that a lot of the advice handed out about carbs vs protein is woefully inaccurate. The advice was inexplicably changed in the early 80s.

Well, that's probably long and boring enough!!

Hope you have a better day today - although by the time I finish waffling on here it may well be time to go to bed again.

This might amuse - I knelt on my bed yesterday not realising my hairdryer's plug was just under the top throw and now have a lovely plug shaped bruise with three deeper indentations on the front of my calf. Not for nothing am I called disaster Deb by my husband.

Deb

x

[Binky1 in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou very much Deb for that info, I have wondered about the gluten/wheat intolerance but not sure what's causing this

I know what you mean about the plug ... I've stood on an upturned plug and it's so sore ... also dropped a perfume bottle on my big toe & it brought tears to my eyes .. so sore

Hope you have a restful night after your busy day x

[Photogeek]

Hi Lesley

Sorry your feeling bad. I'm not sure what to say except I have felt like this too, and

That feeling does pass. At least you have your family.

Hugs

Hannah x

[Binky1 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Hannah

Thankyou and nice to hear from you

I know we've all been here and it's awful isn't it, each time I'm like this I try to remind myself that it always passes eventually but when your trapped in this mindset you don't think it's going to pass yet again, it's so hard and just plays mind games, nasty nasty

I hope you are ok and catch up soon with you

Wishing you a nice restful weekend

Hugs back

Lesley x

[Suzie40]

Hi Lesley, I'm so sorry I haven't replied sooner. My weeks fly by and I don't always get chance to log on and have a proper look at who's has posted etc. I'm so sorry that you're not feeling too good

Try not to worry too much about an ulcer. I went through something similar last year. From out of nowhere I started getting stomach pains after eating, and often it would wake me in the night too. Saw my GP who prescribed various different types of acid suppressing medication, but none seemed to work.

I then convinced myself that I had stomach cancer and just a few weeks to live, and eventually my GP sent me for an endoscopy. That revealed I had erosive gastritis, which is like a thinning of the layers of the stomach.

You're far more likely to have something like that, then anything awful, so why not ask your GP to refer you?

Hope you manage to get some enjoyment from the sunshine today x

[Binky1 in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy and thanks for asking, I know you have a busy busy life with work and your children

I remember when my 3 were small, it's non stop

I've got IBS but when it's bad it's awful and I've yet to find if there's a trigger food wise, I'm not a big eater and I eat very healthy but still suffer, I know that stress plays a huge part in it. All I ate yesterday was 2 slices of toast just to get a break from it. My nana died of colon cancer so you can imagine my stress levels worrying.

Hope you are well & enjoying the weekend? X

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Lesley, how are you today?

[Binky1 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Themys and thanks so much for asking

Amazingly I am feeling brighter today, what's that about as yesterday I was in the depths of despair

It's such a cruel illness as it plays such mind games which is exhausting and makes me feel that life is completely impossible

But that was yesterday

I still have all the same worries about my 3 kids and my health but I feel a bit more able to cope with things today which hopefully will stay around for a while and give me strength

How are you & have you anything nice planned for the weekend?

Best Wishes

Lesley x