Being physically with my family hasn't appeared to help depression at all...

[Onion1]

Now this post does relate somewhat to a previous post I've placed here on HealthUnlocked: (healthunlocked.com/actionon...

I've been silent on here for a while, mainly because I am now in Canada with my wife and children. However, being here doesn't appear to have prompted desirable changes to my mental standing.

Naturally as a father, there is nowhere to hide when things aren't going well. When people are losing their heads around you, you have to stand up and be counted for when no one else will or can. Now Christmas time is a naturally stressful time for parents but Christmas day actually opened my eyes to what a pleasant family day can be like. Everyone got on, there was no arguing, manners were spot-on and everyone was greatly appreciative of what they have and got.

Unfortunately, what this day pointed out to me was just how stressful and relentless life is the rest of the time. Now as of this point in time, I cannot work for legal reasons and due to one of the children being unable to attend regular school, I cannot leave the house as one parent at all times has to be around to keep tabs on her. I don't have any space to myself. When things (kids arguing, being shouted at by the wife etc. etc.) start to feel overbearing, I have nowhere to go in order to relax or calm down. Heck, because I'm new to living in Canada I don't even have anywhere to go outside of the house, even when my wife is in.

As I've said in my previous post, as much as I love my wife, when it comes to any serious issue, I’ve had to face them almost exclusively alone. She doesn’t have the mental composure to help deal with the problems (she has diagnosed ADHD bi-polar as well as many other things) and as a consequence I don't feel like I can even allow myself some time to switch off without the wheels coming off.

I suppose to sum things up, I feel like I'm in a rut that will never change. There appears to be no reward for doing any task well because no matter what I do it feels like a complete waste of time because I'll either be shouted at by my wife or ridiculed by my daughter in particular. There's no financial looseness to invest in any form of relaxation. There's simply no confidence in anything and now I feel like even more of a fool than before because even with my family physically now, I'm still not happy.

I'm not really looking for any miracle-cure-esque solutions, mainly because life still feels like checkmate. Thank you though if you did happen to read it all. That in itself makes me feel ever so slightly better.

[Suzie40]

Hi Onion

Moving to a house down the road is stressful; multiply this by 47,000 for relocation. I would say feelings of stress, anger, guilt, resentment, worry, regret, excitement, fear and panic are to be expected for a long time yet.

It's wonderful that you consider your role in the family to be that of the rock; the thing that stands its ground when the storm is battering around it. But you matter too, Onion, and you're just as entitled to struggle as your wife and daughter.

Christmas turns everything on its head. It's one day among 365 and so many people hit rock bottom as a result of their expectations. You had a great day, yet on reflection it's made you feel worse, because it's highlighted the contrast of the rest of the year. How frustrating that the mind lets us think in that way.

I have a friend who has adult ADHD and I find her completely exhausting. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her because she's very confrontational and picks up on tiny aspects of things and can't let them go. Her demands on my time sometimes make me feel very frustrated.

I think my miracle-cure book is in the shed somewhere, so I'm glad you're not looking for one just now. In the meantime, you'll find a hugely supportive community of people here who really understand how you're feeling, and of course the ongoing support of your GP etc. I suppose relocating would have taken you a few steps backwards in terms of receiving medical intervention, and that wouldn't have helped either.

Speak soon

Lucy x

[Onion1 in reply to Suzie40]

Thanks for the response first of all.

To be honest, I've not received much in the way of medical attention regarding stress or depression. With advice from this community actually, I attended counselling for a couple of months before leaving the UK and their long story short suggestion was to make sure I make time for myself. Considering it usually feels like I'm looking after 4 children (wife and 3 kids) 24/7 and having no contacts regarding any hobbies around here, needless to say I've more than struggled to put their words into action. I mean for sake of argument, the wife flipped out tonight over there not being enough ice in a glass of iced water that I gave her...

I'm not sure, but it feels as if the expectations of everyone of what I'm meant to be able to do having arrived in a new country have been set infinitely too high. Even the very trivial things like not recognising a "well known brand" or eating food that isn't the norm around here usually results in getting berated.

When things felt like too much back in the UK, I used to hide in the garage for an hour or two and throw darts. The ability to concentrate fully on something else in an otherwise quiet room always made me feel better. However, like I said in the previous post, there is nowhere to go here. Even when I'm trying to relax I'm at the mercy of whoever has walked towards the middle of the house with their own issues.

Not sure what to do really. It isn't as if I can go get medical health because I'm not even set up for Canadian medical assistance as of yet (mainly because the paperwork to emigrate is still to go through). If you have any suggestions, please do let me know.

[Gambit62]

Glad that Christmas day went well for you.

Sorry that other days are so difficult and it seems like that is never going to end.

It does sound quite a stressful position to be in. Don't think I could do it. Still live round the corner from the house I grew up in and really don't want to move away from the area that has always been my home.

Sometimes when it isn't possible to create a physical space to escape it can still be possible to create a mental space.

Is there anything you could do to may be create mini-christmases - may be have some rules around a meal time that you will sit and share things that have happened in people's days in a positive way - or may be have a time when you exchange little treats - just a sweet or something similar and enjoy them together.

Hope the work situation and the school situation resolve themselves soon.

[Onion1 in reply to Gambit62]

Thanks for the reply.

It's kind of amusing that meal time was brought up because usually that's the worst time for people picking at one another. It's at that stage where all that can really be said is, "if what you say isn't going to be nice, don't say it at all." Very different from back in the UK where meal times were almost the only time anyone from my family spoke to one another! Suppose now I think about it meal times used to be an opportunity to relax a bit, regardless of other situations. It's somewhat of a shame that many things only become noticeable when they're gone haha!

Conveniently, we believe that a school system has been arranged so from 9:00-14:30 a couple of days per week I should be able to be myself, even if I can't really relax due to all the required household chores. I'll take every little scrap right now though.

[Gambit62 in reply to Onion1]

Once I get into household chores I often find them quite peaceful - hope you can reach the same place. Good to hear that you are going to get some time to yourself.

Think the thing about meals is that everyone does need to be quite disciplined and it's quite tough restablishing the discipline when it has gone.