I see anybody that is happy, as an alien.

[MuffinChops]

Okay guys, blimey it has been a VERY long time since I last posted here, mostly because whenever I tried to submit a blog, it came up with an error message, after 10+ attempts and writing my blogs over and over again, I gave up... But now I'm back, and I hope to god this blog goes through first time, I don't fancy writing the past 5 months in text again. I'm posting this in the anxiety section and the depression section, as I don't know where all my friends are, they may have migrated for winter?

I just want to say a massive thank you to Fay (funkyfairyflipflop) as she has put the effort in to email me, even though I haven't replied or been on this site for months, nobody will ever find a better person than her, she's a true diamond, I love you Fay! (Kinda gay, but yano, I give love when it's due lol...)

What I want to talk to you about is how crap 2013 was, and how even crappier 2014 is. It's the first day of 2014, and yeah, you guessed it, I've had a terrible 2013 and first day of the new year. Everyone is posting 'Happy new year' on Facebook and messaging me it constantly, are they taking the mick or something?? I couldn't give less of a crap about a higher digit being added to the year calendar, to me, it means nothing! A new year doesn't magically make everyone's problems go away, 'new year, new you' yeah right, get stuffed! Sorry, I'm very anti-celebrating and anti-happiness, you could say I'm a scrooge, but I'm sure many of you feel the same way.

In 2013, my 14-year-old sister left home, she moved in to my step sisters one-bedroom flat with her boyfriend and young baby, plus 5 cats! There was a huge family crisis, my sister being a teenager didn't like the word 'No' and then threw lots of hurtful words and actions at my mum for a good year prior to her leaving home. All my mother did was love her, my sister got away with absolute murder because my mum was too frightened of her hurting her or herself. My mum struggled, despite all the usual worries about finances, and general family stuff, she also had to deal with an extremely ill behaved 13-14 year old. Yes EVERY teenager goes through this, but I do not know ONE teenager that is as bad as my sister, she is so demanding and manipulative. When my mum refused to buy her something that was clearly out of our budget, my sister would threaten to kill herself, yeah, that's how bad she is.

Now the synopsis of 2013 is over, lets get to what has been happening since after Christmas... My sister moved back in around August-September time, so by Christmas she seemed to have settled and her attitude towards everyone was much better, we thought it was sorted and she had realized the hurt she caused the rest of the family (resulting in myself and my mother attempting suicide because we couldn't take it anymore.) We had a great Christmas, one of the best we've had in years, completely stress free believe it or not. My sister got her Apple Mac Book Pro that cost a whopping £800 that she had been begging my mum for months for. I got a capture card so I can record gameplay from my Xbox for youtube, which I'd been wanting for a long time, but may I add never nagged for, as I know what my mum goes through and how tight money is. That's the only big present I got, and it only cost a fraction of what my sisters laptop did, I offered to go without some big presents so my mum could make my sister happy, I didn't want her to kick off over not getting one.

Christmas is now over, and about 3 days ago, my sister started being a little brat again. Funny isn't it, how she was subdued up until she got her £900 laptop, now she doesn't want to know any of us anymore. She's saying she hates this family, and wants to go to London for the weekend to see her 'boyfriend' of 1 month that she has never even met before, because she "needs to get away." We live in Lincolnshire, and after my sister ran away to Sheffield before and the amount of stress it caused, there is no way my mum wants to go through that again! Today I witnessed my sister call my mum some very personal and hurtful names, something barely even a teenager should ever say to their parents, especially one that doesn't deserve it.

The reoccurence of my sister threatening to leave home and causing upset in the family again has caused my mum to take drastic measures, she has said she's leaving home and going somewhere other than here, she can't go through this again. When she said that to me, I had no clue what to do, normally I'd try and turn the situation around and show her the brighter side like I did last time, but there was nothing I could think of, I'm truly burnt out. I sacrificed myself for my mum, I gave up my feelings and stuck by her side, I never said all the nasty things I'd love to say to my sister, because I knew mum would be upset as it would worsen the situation. I sat up with her most nights, gave up sleeping, gave up eating so she would have more money and food to eat, gave up my Xbox as the internet bill is sky high, even the last codeine pill or cigarette, those things are important to me. Most importantly, I gave her my loyalty and support, something I will ALWAYS give her. I will put on a fake smile, give her hope even though it isn't certain, absolutely anything I will try.

What is worrying me is the lack of strength I have, mentally and physically. After this happened the first time, (a year ago now) I am still depressed and lethargic, I have not recovered from the first time, I'm not sure I can go through it again, something I sympathize with my mum in. We both tried to end the mental suffering via suicide, and clearly failed, but this time we could be successful. If my mum succeed, I would be stood right behind her with a foot on the edge of the cliff, ready to join her in freedom, as I did before. People sit there and say 'You have a life of your own, live it!' But they don't get it, nobody has a bond with their mother like I do, I am welling up right now just thinking of that bond being physically broken. It is what I most fear in life, I'm not afraid of anything else, other than losing my mum.

I was brought up the same way as my sister, we are only 4 years apart, but how can one be so different to the other? We have the same genes and the same upbringing, it's shocking how far apart we are despite being full blood. Yeah I had my teenage moments, but never did I make it personal or manipulative towards my mum, NEVER, I wouldn't dream of it, I have so much respect for her. But my sister, she has ZERO respect, it seems she just wants the money and then she takes off again. She has been this way since she was very young, around 8 years old, I remember her bullying me quite alot, even though I was older. I even have a scar on my arm from when she bit me, she was only about 5!

My sister hasn't been to school since May last year, my mum has been threatened with charges from the School and police, if she doesn't get her in education soon. But how do you tell a messed up teenager that? She point blank refuses to go, and will threaten to kill herself if forced, my mum is powerless. She has been referred to a special school for kids unable to attend mainstream schools, but that's a long process, so she will be attending a temporary school in the mean time, which I know for a fact she won't go to. My mum is terrified that she'll be charged a sum that we don't have or sent to prison for my sister not going to school, my sister knows this, but could not care less.

My sister says she's depressed all the time and has social anxiety, but yet she has friends over all the time and blasts her music. She will act to professionals (key worker, social worker, youth worker etc) that she is depressed, but then as soon as she's home she's shouting and screaming at my mum, then laughing and joking with her friends, that, is pure neglect and maliciousness. MH specialists believe she could be autistic, but autism is not an excuse to be a prick to your family. I KNOW autistic people, and they are very friendly and laid back. My sister is not autistic, she's just a pure A'HOLE to put it bluntly. Professionals always believe her over my mum though, one time my sister even accused my mum of beating her, in which case an immediate meeting was called and all the professionals had their fingers out, pointing at my mum and pushing up their snotty noses, when my mum has never laid a finger on her. People like social workers are supposed to be there to help the FAMILY, not just the child, my mum didn't get a scrap of help from SW's, but my sister got all their sympathy votes, it sickens me.

I have no trust or patience for professionals, they can all go and s**k themselves. They never helped me, or my mum! If they don't please my mum, they don't please me, same goes for any disgusting creature that does my mum wrong.

I know this blog is HUGE, and there is some inappropriate language, but telling you the truth, that is the truth of what I think, this blog is here for that, so I'm going to use it, considering I can't vent through anything else.

I hope you've all been well, and you had a good Christmas and New Year (or the best you could get it). I hope to start blogging recently again, this was my first port of call after today's events. Now I'm going to go and unwillingly eat some of my mums food, because she cooked it and I feel bad if I don't eat it, I really don't want it though. -,-

If you've been in a similar situation as to what my mum is going through with my sister, please comment or message me, we need every scrap of help we can get. Personal experiences mean much more than some horse-faced derp that learnt everything they know from Tracy Beaker. (Aka, 'professionals'!)

[Hidden]

I can totally sympathise with your relationship with your mum, as its very close to my own. It sounds like a really tough situation, and while my sister is around the same age and acts up it doesn't seem to be as extreme as your situation. I'm afraid that I don't really have much advice, but just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and am thinking of you. Feel free to vent your frustrations on here anytime.

Lily x

[ThemysciraDrive]

Heya. Kind of similar to Lily, I'm not sure I have any brilliant advice. But I did want to reply so you know people care.

Try reading "Why is it Always About You?" by Sandy Hotchkiss. It won't solve all your problems but you might recognise a lot of your experiences with your sister, and at least understand what's going on. And have some reassurance that you're not losing it.

Do you or your mum get any treatment for depression at the moment? I'm sure some psychotherapy treatments would help.

I totally get how you feel about New Year. It's just another day to me. So much that I got up this morning and toddled off to the gym, completely forgetting it would be closed! A lot of the happiness seems forced.

[Hidden in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

I had the same problem, planned on going to the gym first time in ages but realised it was closed!

[hamble99b]

oh love, my heart goes out to you! I just want to wrap my arms around you and take away your pain.

have you any way of recording her rants? then you could play them as proof to the professionals.

regardless of her age, what she is doing is abuse - mental & verbal, and no-one should have to put up with it.

you need an advocate to act for you and liaise with the social services, police and mental health teams. they will act for you, not for any organisations.

if you ring or email your local council on monday, ask them for contact details for an "advocate for vulnerable young people firstly [and adults for your mum]." It is you who must be the priority, they can then help your mum.

please don't not eat, you need to eat. I know you might not like the idea, but think of contacting a foodbank - they are for people in crisis, please don't go hungry. also look up, or ask the council about community groups like "newshoots" who buy basics like fruit & veg & eggs in bulk to sell on at cost to anyone e.g. bags of fruit or veg for £2 - I've bought some most weeks and it's a great scheme.

Now, from practicality to serious concerns. I can't help with your sister's behaviour - only to hope that maybe she might be taken into care due to her truancy and behaviour, or at least be given some assessment of her mental health - please try & secretly record her.

But, in all sincerity muffin, although it may seem a good solution, is suicide really the answer for you? which, if nothing else would mean that you have given complete and ultimate control to your sister and she'd have "won" - but what would that gain her?

The world is seeming very dark for you at the moment but I hope you will see a tiny glimmer of hope to help you through.

If you google your local area, say you lived in Norwich and put something like "Norwich mental health crisis team" it should come up with a number.

please don't suffer alone.

keep talking to us, you are important to us.

pm me if you want to talk, or if you want me to get those numbers for you.

love,

sandra x

[gardengnome]

hi muffin you are taking a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Remember the cliché about taking care of yourself, so that you can be strong enough to carry on supporting others? Do trust that your mother will have the strength in herself to get through.

Figure out who can share the responsibility with you, her friends, other relatives, yes even ''professionals''. You simply will cave in if you try to do it all on your own.

And part of taking care of yourself is letting go of the anger, do find a way of telling your sister what you think, if she really does have some autistic traits, she literally does need to have it plainly pointed out to her what the consequences of her actions are, and yes unfortunately autistic person can be an extremely self-centred one (I'm sure you've read up on it anyway)

Anyway got a bit side-tracked, the anger of course has a very real base, of course and hopefully venting on here is great. But for your own health find a way to let it go, I'm not saying to forget it, no, but do what you need to scale down the emotion and hurt inside, Because tomorrow you need to be strong enough to carry on,

Hope you can figure out who you can call on to help, cause if you really are afraid for your mum, you are going to need more help.

[wallflower_fairy]

Sweetie!

There you are! I have been looking for you for daaaays - and it wasn't until the lovely Sandra messaged me and said I could find you here.

Right, let's just get down straight to it. I can think of one thing that you'll get your sister's behaviour back into shape. What she needs is to be sent away to one of those tough love places in Utah or the like. I'm sure you're not unfamiliar with the term 'brat camp' I think is what they call it. She should be forced to give up all the her possessions, talk her feelings through with professionals (I know you hate them, but I know there are some good guys out there who 'mean business') and connect with nature. I read an article (well actually I was half way through reading it, hope we still have the paper so I can finish it!), about a girl who was behaving in exactly the same manner as your sister, and she was sent to one of these places, in fact, when she was also 14 and it completely transformed her. Her mother had found somewhere on-line in Utah that had one awards apparently. (Although I know she researched a few and I'm not sure which one she finally decided on). Some people might be reading this thinking it's unkind thing to do, but by the end of it was girl was thanking her mum (How I wish I had the article with me now!). The girl in the article had experienced trauma of losing a sibling in childhood, and they thought her bad behaviour was a result of separation from her mother who was attending to said sibling, who was terminally ill. I am wondering if your sister has gone through something that was cause her to act in attention seeking ways, but as you and I both know, this doesn't make it ok for her to act in such a way.

Now you might be reading this thinking, 'she's gone mad', but the point is - it worked when nothing else did. I'm sorry I'm a bit patchy on the details, I don't know how you go about such things or whether there are costs involved or anything like that, so I'm sorry if I'm getting ahead of myself. I think you and your mum should at least research some places online, just to keep the option open. I know it sounds like an outrageous suggestion, I really do, but I'm being serious. The situation with your sister reminds me so much of the article I read. I was just as baffled as first when I read your post and then I read the comments below about other people's experiences and the penny dropped and the article came to mind. And like Sandra brilliantly suggested, make sure you have some recorded proof.

As for the rest of her blog. I'll be here for days. The advice people have given is invaluable though. Particularly Sandra's, who is always so smart, intuitive, and dedicated.

And at least we've found a way to over come your eating habits (or lack of them). Just ask your mum to cook for you, or! If this sounds unreasonable request, suggest you and her cook together, I can imagine this will be very healing to both of you and, hopefully, the desire to please your mum will override the thoughts telling you not to eat.

Hope this makes sense!

And thankyou. So much, for you kind words. Also thankyou to Sandra for taking me here.

(((((HUGS)))))

xxxx

wanderingwallflower