For Lillyjones

[Gambit62]

As Lilly's post is now getting very long thought I'd start another one where anyone who wants to can send her a message of support or empathy or whatever and let her know that we are all glad that she is still around.

[Hidden]

Thank you so much for this. I'll reply to the last message posted on the other group on here later on when I have a bit more time. I've noticed a new development in my thoughts which is worrying me quite a bit, and I'd like to get peoples thoughts on it...

But thank you for your support.

[Suzie40]

That's a good idea! It would be good to hear about these thought Lily, if you'd like to share .... X

[Hidden]

Well, I've always felt like there's something wrong with me. That's an underlying thing I've felt for pretty much as long as I remember. Like there's something wrong with me, I'm 'not right', shouldn't be here, or I'm dormant evil or something, and everyone else can 'sense' it subconsciously. But recently its got worse at times, to the point where I feel very paranoid about being watched. One of the nights while I was at hospital I got particularly paranoid and think I saw a wooden door 'scan' me with a blue laser light, looking thing. I also have the notion that I'm being watched. Or monitored.

At the moment I know that sounds stupid, but when I get these thoughts I can't stop thinking that they might be true. What is this? Am I crazy?

[Gambit62 in reply to Hidden]

We all have our crazies

Hospital is a really difficult place to be and its very easy to get confused and interpret things in really strange ways when you are half conscious. You don't sound crazy to me - you are going through a lot at the moment and I'd be surprised if you didn't feel that you were being watched. You do sound as if you have been very stressed for a very long time and your mind has just got to the point where it's done all it can and now needs some help.

You might find stilltrying's post has a lot that you can relate to - if you haven't managed to look at it already.

healthunlocked.com/actionon...

It sounds to me as if you have had to be the parent for so long that it is no wonder you feel there is something wrong.

Please keep posting - and please don't be afraid to talk to the medical professionals, or your friends either. Also give yourself time to digest everything and be gentle with yourselves when you have moments of relapse.

I went through years of having periods when I'd be continually fighting of thoughts of death and suicide - even after I'd figured out that it was an anxiety loop I still couldn't see a way out until I realised that I was doing things all wrong - I was fighting against the thoughts when really I needed to acknowledge them and actually look beyond them to what they were really telling me - which is that I was stressed and I needed to do something about the stress level. I still have death thoughts at times but now rather than finding it distressing and getting into a spiral of more thoughts that carry me away on a black tide the first thought really is 'oh, I'm a bit stressed - I need to relax'. For me the real trick was visualising them as unwanted visitors and realising that what I was doing was actually pulling back the curtains and cowering in a dark corner hoping they would go away, when what I needed to do was open the door and politely tell them to go away. I thought it would take weeks to change the responses I'd had for years - if not months but in reality it only took a couple of days.

Hope some of that makes sense. It's difficult to say what the sense of being watched is about - it may be that you have been watching yourself for so long to make sure that things don't seep out that now they are seeping out and people around you are starting to realise what darkness you are struggling with - that actually the projection is really your mind just trying to come to terms with not being able to keep things in anymore ... or you may feel that it is actually something completely different and that's fine. Just be gentle and don't get annoyed or upset with yourself for having the thoughts. Thoughts come and go and that is natural and not really something we have a choice about. Our only choice is how we react to them and whether we allow them to sweep us along or see them for what they are.

Really hope some of that makes sense - and that stilltrying's post also helps

[mimii in reply to Hidden]

Hi Lily you are not crazy, my daughters had severe depression and was having hallucinations and episodes of paranoia , she thought there were hidden cameras everywhere, and saw things following her, when she was with camhs they diagnosed psychotic depression shes on anti depressants and anti psychotics which have helped in her recovery, she also self harmed she says it was a release from pressure and also to bring her back into reality ,she suffers with depersonalization, or feeling unreal too, just wanted to say your not alone feeling this way its an illness and recovery is possible please dont lose hope xxx

[gardengnome]

well I can't say what is causing your feelings of paranoia to rise, though with the amount of stress you have experienced lately it is not surprising,

One thing I can say is to relate it to what I ''see'' when I don't wear my glasses. Like anyone short sighted when I don't wear my specs my brain fills in the gaps, so for example someone putting their bin bag in a bin can look like someone sticking a dog in there.

I guess because the distorted images are often so absurd it is normally easy for me to think twice and ask myself whether what i see is realistic or not.

I know it is not so easy to do when paranoia makes thoughts and sights are frightening, but stepping back for a second and asking yourself what is actually likely to be true may at least cut down on the worry you get from the disturbing thoughts. I guess you didn't take long before you told yourself that a regular wooden door could not do any kind of scan, try an tap into your critical ability used in college to ask questions, treat what you know to be paranoid thoughts as an academic exercise, if you came across those ideas in a college seminar or a tabloid newspaper how would you debate the truth or value of them.?

You might not be able right now to shake off the actual disturbing thoughts, but you can try and practice taking a different view of that thought, a view that is not so frightening, -----changing what you think about a thought to make it less frightening.. In the same way that a mouse can either make someone shriek and jump on a chair or go,, ahhh how cute...

I'll give you one more example of how my eyes play tricks on me, going for a walk today, I twice saw people who looked as if they might be standing aiming a gun, of course I didn't duck, but I did decide to get new glasses and to watch less violent movies .