Rock Bottom Again ...

Well, I knew it wouldn't last - I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to come off the anti-depressants. In fact I am seeing the GT tomorrow to increase my dosage. Have been feeling so low lately not being able to find the motivation to go the the gym and the diet is out the window. Why is everything such a struggle?The prospect of Christmas is making me even gloomier - I hate this time of year. I hate the fact that my emotions are a constant roller-coaster. I was in a suicidal mood in the car today when 'Lana Del Rey - Summer Time Sadness' came on the radio. Great - just what I needed to cheer me up!

[Hidden]

Hello Ziggy

How did you get on with you therapy early on this year did it help in any way with your condition, are you still seeing a CPN or have they discharged you.

Christmas can always be a pain in the bum, I personally cannot stand it the whole sorry time is on big false and critical time where everyone is hail fellow well met, One year I took an overdose of opiates and spent an extended period in A E, now I have learned my lesson, Hazel has bought me a bottle of malt whisky and a bottle of rum so will just sit in the corner and say nowt, so will get through this sorry time of the year numbed down. Every body just seems to fall out of sorts with everyone I suppose I could lock myself into the study and just sit in a rocking chair in total silence. When it comes to suicide I will never go that way again. Once they get you dried out they could not get an ambulance so I had to get the bus home, it would not be so bad but it had snowed overnight and I had no money, I was fortunate that I had my bus pass.

The whole sorry thing was silly New years Eve saw me and wife chatting to the emergency response team, they would have been miffed as well being called out at such a strained time of year. So what can you do, really suicide is never a good idea will never try it again it is all the questions you have to answer to all an sundry. The whole thing is a real party stopper. Personally I feel I have got this far.now I will prevent having to go through it all again. Scrooge strikes again

What the Hell have a very nice Christmas

And a tipsy new year

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bob, I have been having psychotherapy sessions every week since April - they are due to end next year in May. To be honest I'm not sure if they are helping or not. I'm not even sure what they are supposed to do. Every week all that happens is I go in and talk about the week I've had and the therapist adds her thoughts every now and again. The way I see it is that the way I am is because of past events and my current situation which is a very dysfunctional family overseas who I never see, no partner, close friends and a job (self-employed) that though I enjoy means that I do not interact with people very much.

I feel like a freak of society. I don't know how to escape the pain of the past and the present is also difficult to deal with. Now and again I feel 'normal' but it is short-lived. Every day is a struggle emotionally. Honestly I feel washed up and mentally exhausted that no amount of sleep, holiday etc will address. It's like I've come to the end of the road now (I'm 43!) and don't have the energy to face anymore knock backs that life might throw at me.

I do often think about ending it all. But, it's not something I've ever put into action. If it weren't for me son, I might have but the the thought of the affect it would have on him for the rest of his life - I couldn't do that to him.

Ziggy x

[Suzie40]

Hi Ziggy

Please don't feel disheartened about not being able to come off the antidepressants. Why does it matter? You wouldn't think twice about taking an inhaler long term, or medication for blood pressure would you? If antidepressants are what are needed to stabilise the serotonin levels in your body, let it be!

It's funny how we can flit in and out of suicidal tenancies isn't it? I suppose the time to take action is if those feelings are around more often that not, or for a sustained amount of time.

Christmas is such a difficult time for so many people isn't it? I love and hate it in equal measures. Think of it as the two weeks of madness that it actually is, and remind yourself that everything gets back to normal pretty quickly afterwards.

In the meantime, there'll be plenty of fellow depressives here to sing carols with!

Lucy x

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Thanks Lucy, yes, I have tried to come off them in the past but would always be back on within a few months. I'm sure it's a case of the chemical imbalance which will always be there.

I hate Christmas because I believe it's a time you spend with your family. The only family I have over here is my son and I feel guilty that he is not having Christmas with more family. This year he will be moping around because his girlfriend has broke up with him.

My dysfunctional family (just mother, father and sister) live overseas and I haven't seen them in 13 years.

You look around at this time of the year and all you see are families, couples, happy people - it makes me sad.

Ziggy x

[Photogeek]

Hi Ziggy, I am sorry your feeling down. Please don't worry or beat yourself up about being on antidepressants. I have been on them for years , and I don't mind at all, I thank my lord that there is. Tablet to lessen the pain. They do help ,

I find that antidepressants help. It we the patient have to also work hard to manage

Our illness, eat well and get excercise too, I know you do t feel like the gym but

I can empathise with that too. When I go to the gym I always feel better never worse.

Try not to label Xmas as awful as then you are setting yourself up in a negative

Spiral. It's a time of the year, we all survive it , I just try and have lots of food

That I love, a few good books, and I don't have family to worry about , as I rarely

Hear from mine.

Ziggy hope your feeling better soon

We are here to have.a listening ear anyway .

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah, I am sitting here typing this with my sun-lamp blasting away and trying to muster the energy to go the gym.

Ziggy x

[paulearley]

Hi Ziggy - I know exactly how you feel with everything too much bother and the feeling you are in a bottomless pit from which you will never escape. Trust me I was there and had those feelings. Suddenly I decided to ease back the medication until I stopped it all together and am now non-reliant. Yes, there are still bad days but I now feel able to have control back whereas before the medication controlled me.

Be brave. Stick with it. Know you have friends here who will always talk to you about how you feel and share their experiences, Most of all good luck to you

Paul

[Hidden in reply to paulearley]

Hi Paul, I have tried to come off the medication in the past but within a few months I had to go back on them. I think I have a chemical imbalance so will probably be on them for life.

It is comforting to know that there are lots of others in the same boat.

Ziggy x

[Photogeek in reply to Hidden]

Hi Ziggy I certainly would dismiss any advice to come off your

Medication, especially without Drs advice. Everyone's illness is different t, and I for one am on Meds and don't at all feel they control me. My sense and decision making and doctors advice control me. There will always be anti pharm people and anti gluten and anti everything. So you just look after yourself

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah. I saw the GP yesterday who upped my Citalopram from 20 to 30 mg. So hopefully this will help. She said if not in 8 weeks then she would increase to 40mg.

Ziggy x

[Photogeek in reply to Hidden]

Ziggy that's great. If it's any consolation I grew up in a home that had enough but a Mom who was violent to us and my Dad he adored her and would not stand up to her etc.

Really you don't have to end up suffering we cannot keep blaming our childhoods for everything, most people I know did not have ideal childhoods and I feel it's ok and good to say Yes it was awful and wrong but it need not define you. Because you could end up not living life because of what happened. Start being your own friend and start living the life you want . I did that , it takes work. I can now look back on My Mom as someone who could be violent at times but she could be a great

Mom at other times. I forgave her and started

Healing and living. I never did Inner child, call it what you want . Please let your past go and

Don't allow it to hold you back from living. Life is

Far too short.

Love.n hugs

Hannah x

[Stilltrying_]

Yes, I feel the same about Christmas and all those times when the "normal" routine things are not up and running; I think what can make it worse is that when you ask people what they are doing for Christmas quite often they will say ("Oh I am visiting my two daughters," or" I am having all the grandchildren round") I am on my own 55 with no partner and no children. I suffer from chronic physical pain which makes my anxiety/depression a lot worse and now it is difficult to differentiate the two as I'm sure the psychiatric people think my physical pain is psychological in origin and I feel it is the other way round ; that the physical pain is making my already existing psychological problem several times more difficult to cope with. The only family I have is very ageing parents and a sister three years older than me. The family is dyfunctional and it is a challenge being with any of them for one personality reason or another (nothing is "normal"). However even I have arranged to spent time with them this Christmas as it is preferable to being on my own. Three of us (dad, me sister) are actually going away for a couple of days after Christmas at quite an expense really ; but that is how desperate I was not to have that time on my own. My situation is complicated with guilt as well, because I say they are dysfunctional (which they are) but then when I have specifically asked they have helped me out financially and practically with that prospect of being on my own (ie my sister and dad have paid for the "break"). That may lead some people to say I am "spoiled", but believe me I would have loved to have had my own life without depression and my own career and earn my own money but that has never happened, so now I take the help I can get from them even though it is flawed. Is that selfish or just self survival I ask myself? I think the way I see it is I really am feeling so bad that I didn't even think I could survive that period without something in place and so it is not selfish it is self preservative which ultimately is also less trouble to other people than me not looking after myself.

Anyway , sorry to hijack the post a bit. I am glad I have found this community. I feel less alone since I came on here and it is good to see that there are other people in a similar situation to myself. It is a relief to be able to express the negative thoughts I have and to read of other peoples negative thoughts rather than trying to pretend I don't have them (as though they will magically disapear when someone says "stop being negative" ).

I have just been reading a book. It may not apply to everyone but I have found it useful. It is called "Inner Bonding; becoming a loving adult to your inner child". by Margaret Paul. I know its that "inner child" stuff again. But it really does make sense to me. It is basically telling you to develop your own "adult figure" to take care of the "child" that is inside you. Some (but not all ) anxiety and depression can be caused by the "child"; (at first that means the real child when you are a child but then as an adult that child is still within you ) being hurt, dismissed, criticised, abused or in any way just not loved and nurtured. Trying to get that from another person in later life can be fraught with difficulty and in most cases is simply not possible; so the idea is to "reparent" yourself. Ideally I would like a therapist to help me with this but am not sure how I would find out who does this. At the moment though just reading it has really made me think and it has really helped

If anyone is reading this,,I'd be interested to know what any men think about the "inner child" thing, as it seems to be mainly women who can relate to it. Is that because it isn't viewed as "strong" to be this way?

Sorry Ziggy, I did hyjack your post a bit. I would say don't worry too much about needing the antidepressants and also if you are into self help there are a lot of books on Amazon that may help you. Other than that I'm sure there will some of us around on here during the Christmas period so you will not be completely alone.

gemmalouise

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks gemmalouise and no you didn't hijack my thread at all - It is good to hear from you. Yes, I can totally relate to the 'inner child.' Part of my problem and the demons that haunt me are what I went through as a child. I had a mother and father and everything I could want in the material sense but was emotionally abused by my father - belittled, criticised and constantly put down. I was never shown any affection by either parent who were constantly at war with each other. My mother was kind to me but never stood up to my father - who effectively destroyed our family. She just stood by & watched him do so. Emotional abuse is often worse than physical abuse - the wounds never heal.

The worst thing is that my younger sister didn't suffer like I did. For some reason (my parents had to get married as my mother fell pregnant with me, so perhaps that's why he hated me so much!) my sister was the apple of his eye and he openly displayed his affections to her in front of me.

When I left home I would frantically seek out relationships with often much elder men - I didn't realise it at the time but I was perhaps sub-consciously looking for affection, approval, a father figure. The funny thing is that once in a relationship with these men, after a few months or a couple of years I would go off them totally. They would repel me in every way and I would end up ending the relationship. I think I have this deep rooted resentment and hatred of men in general. - again it's a sub-conscious thing and I've only just realised it - through therapy.

I'm 43 and single and still grieve for that little girl who never got the affection and cuddles from the 2 people who were supposed to love and cherish her.

[Hidden]

Hello Ziggi

You have lots of friends here that care for you.

All the best

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks BOB - that means a lot. Hope you are having a nice weekend.

Ziggy x

[coatpin]

Have you ever thought you could be suffering from seasonal effective disorder. lack of sunlight, the clocks went back not long ago. I used to Fear winter, suicidal by xmas, yes I hated it. How could something so simple be so devastating. lack of sun light.!!! Well you can be great one day and plummet the next day, slowly and suddenly.

It is the lux value that is down even in the day time, theres not enough light to trigger the receptors at the back of your eyes, so that the brain can trigger the happy hormones needed. in a nut shell. Go onto ebay look for SAD lamps, they dont cost much these days but make sure it isnt a sewing light,,, its not the same. My son has had a bad attack this last week, and I let him borrow mine. it makes you feel lighter in mood, and your brain starts working, and not in a fog, sleeping better but you must use it 2-3 hours a day, in front of the telly at night,,, is how I use mine.

and the depression well, mines gone, with the acceptance, that I will always be on the drugs, because in my family it has hit all of us.

please dont under estimate, it. It works!!!

[Hidden in reply to coatpin]

Thanks coatpin, I only realised I suffer from SAD this year. I am originally from the Southern Hemisphere where there is all year sunshine. Looking back, since I came to the UK 13 years ago around October time each year my would gradually deteriorate to the point I would have to see the GP out of desperation, who would then scratch his head and prescribe another antidepressant.

I bought a LUMIE sun-lamp this year. It was a bit pricey but it had good reviews. I switch it on each morning for about 30 minutes but I don't think this is long enough.

I also heard that taking a vitamin D supplement at this time of year helps.

I saw the GP yesterday who upped my antidepressant from 20 to 30 mg so hopefully this will also help.

Ziggy x

[coatpin in reply to Hidden]

Well honey get onto ebay, get a lamp it doesnt need to be expensive, but 2-3 or more hours, as you feel you need.

The doctor doesnt seem to know about how much to give you, hardly scratch the surface with that dose. check on here what dosage you should be on. hes trying to give you the happy chemicals your brain isnt producing. not enough light. Readup on SAD, and get informative, print off some for your gp. as he might not have the time. Even about the dosage of drugs.

They are only gp, general practitioners!!

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Ziggy,

Carrying on from the message you replied to mine, it seems that there are not many people with anxiety/depression who had stable childhoods. It does seem that the wounds of how our parents treated us can run deep and take a long time to heal.

My situation is sort of parallel to yours in that it was my mum (rather than my dad) who was emotionally "abusive" although with her it was through her having a narcissistic personality disorder and all this details ; she wasn't deliberately trying to hurt me but just through being completely self centred and volatile (to say the least) and manipulative (without me realising until very recently) the situation was achieved wherein I just saw myself as an extension of her needs and not someone in my own right.My dad being weak just "stood by" like your mum did; anything in case for the easy life including denial within himself of what reality is.

I have found the book I mentioned in my previous post so helpful. I think it has just come at the right time for me. I am starting to see myself differently now. I have always "hated " myself and felt "bad" and now I understand what that was I am starting to heal it (yes it sounds amazing but I feel I've made headway in literally just the last couple of weeks) I've had loads of therapy in the past and I think each time it has been a learning point, and then another and then another. Now at last I seem to have made a decision (to stop seeking refuge in another) and somehow it is like I feel on a realistic path now and some sense of internal stability is starting to appear now I have convinced my emotional mind that I am not and never have been "bad"; just suffering.

Am just about to post up about a "victory" today. I posted up last week about a dance instructor who was hassling me and in my opinion harassing me. Today I managed to tell him not in the way my mum would (she would have to "slate" someone or "get the better of someone" or "wipe the floor " with someone or "show him"); no not like that; I just told him assertively and without laughing or being overdramatic that it was really upsetting me. He said at one point "Are you really that sensitive?"; to which I replied "It isn't a matter of my sensitivity it is a matter of you respecting me. If I tell you I don't like something and you carrying on doing it then that is disrespecting me". I can hardly believe I have done it but he did change his behaviour completely and I feel so proud of myself that I have stood up for myself and created a boundary. When we come from abusive backgrounds of course setting boundaries can be very difficult.

Anyway Ziggy I will say carry on with the therapy. I am 12 years older than you and feel I have missed so much of my life through my background but I have to work with what I've got and go from there. It is comforting for me that I am not the only one in this situation. I would say to you carry on trying and from time to time in my experience one gets a flash of understanding which takes us another step forward towards being who we need to be and who we should have been all along.

Gemmalouise

[coatpin in reply to Stilltrying_]

yes, counselling with the inner child is about mending the child who was hurt so much by their parents. we need to mend and then grow.