Please read....Struggling to find my way (I've hit rock bottom)

[LackofPL]

Hello, I'm a 25 year old male living in NY. Unfortuantely I'm unemployed, I feel like a bum at times during the day, and end up sleeping more hours than i should. I've been unemployed for months and haven't had luck in finding a job, despite a solid resume and applying to many jobs and landing 4 interviews. At this point I'm applying to almost anything. See the real problem is i feel like a ******! And quite possibly I am a ******.

I have a mother, an older sister and i have absolutely No money to provide/take care of them the way i should be. My mother deserves so much more because of what she has been through in her life. And the fact that i cant make it better for her, absolutely destroys me, everyday. I literally have 0 income and 0 dollars in the bank, so i cant help with the rent and food. And matter of fact i cant even eat much cause i of my situation. Ive been through alot in my 25years, but this just may be rock bottom for me. Stress is at an all-time high. I've seemingly cut almost evry1 off. Lately I've been testy with the few i had left in my life and its been heated. But then i end up just crying in my room.

My sister works and gives me alittle money every few weeks, but that makes me feel like ****... The problem for so many years has been in my mind, the insecurity, the self-shaming, the negativity. It all stemmed from suffering horrible acne starting in my teens (i still have it now but not as bad). I was bullied and harshly made fun of for many years. So many moments where i was ashamed and emvarrassed and reduced to tears. I hated myself. Even before the acne, my own family (2 of my cousins) bullied me and made fun of me for crying about it. They always called me "mr sensitive". I dont speak to either of them anymore but not really because of that. Although 1 of them i despise, and he was the main bully of the 2. Even physically...Despite this i did spend my HS years on a "fake confidence" to get some girls here and there. But that stopped working for me and i realized i didnt love myself and what i looked like and then i slipped into a deep depression where i cried many nights in my room and thought many times to give up (this at 19yrs old). I've been through alot in my life (abusive father that was imprisoned when i was 5 until i turned 13). This ****** me up mentally due to my cousins all having their parents. I was hurting as a kid not having him around and seeing them enjoy father time. BUT i have to accept responsibility for where i am being that im a grown adult. I cannot blame him anymore. This is my fault... We see each other now once a week but i have realized that our relationship will NEVER be what i hoped as a kid waiting for him to be released from prison. He is too ****** up in the head. Everything is a debate with him. And i guess i cant fully accept the abuse and things he has put me and my mother and sister through. Especially to my mother. My life Struggle is possibly at its peak of BAD . I still suffer from low self-esteem. I have no job. No money. Feel like a loser. And I actually have been staying at home most of the day and havent spoken to any1 other than my 1 friend that i have left, my mom and my sister. I Havent hungout because i feel horrible and have no money. On top of ALL this, we have to move to another place (trying to stay in NY) in 2yrs and it is imperative that i start earning $ and saving up for the move. I want to stay in a good neighborhood and I want to be the biggest financial support for my mom and sis so badly, but just cant seem to find my way. I cant catch a break with a job. Im also in school, just a few semesters away from a bachelors in English, but i ****** up on that as well this past semester. I cant shake my anxiety (or whatever it is) around ppl where i feel like LESS. And i get nervous and my heart races a bit. Its like my mind has shifted back to the teenage years of depression. And it seems My life has gone backwards as far as jobs go. I had a better job at 19. This all leads to me eating cheap junk and not keeping up with fitness like i was. When the year started i had all these goals and confidence and was working out alot and not worried about life. But here i am 7months later still no job cant hangout with any girls and i am home now more than ever. I just dont know how to get out of this hole with so many issues to address and fix. I have faith and pray to God and believe he has a path for me, but I also realize that i need to fix my mindset because i cant be successful while feeling ashamed of who i am (not being who i thought i would be by this age)

If any1 has taken time to read all this and can offer any words, support or advicd i would so greatly appreciate it! I literally have no1 else to say this to.

Thank you.

[Hidden]

Lacko

You need to begin to respect yourself, the first thing to do is stop swearing, it is a turn of if you cannot find words to explain your needs and gain employment. You asked.

You live in the States, however that is never an excuse, you do yourself down and the more you do that the worse you will feel.

Consider your needs and expectations, look on job applications as a stepping stone to your expectations. It is easier to get work from a place of employment so you choose a job to move on from, it is a step on a steep ladder to get where you want to be

Sometimes working in various day centres or charities can be one way forward. You will find you will understand people needs and that will help you move forward as employers will know you are trying to move on and you are respectful of others needs.

I was retired thirty years ago and I used my knowledge to help others, I was lucky in a way I could afford to do voluntary work. I learned a great deal and that is what life is all about

Remember life is full of small steps, we are always frightened of what is in store for our future. As you gain encouragement the steps become a run as you arrive at the place you want to be.

You will make errors along the way, nothing is easy, never look back, look for the day, your future awaits.

BOB

[fauxartist]

first thing to do is put out resumes at every temp agency you can find.....there are call centers, and temp jobs that can work into a permanent job. Many companies now days are actually doing that. If you want to help, help yourself first by forgetting all the negatives, regret, and all that stuff....it just breaks you down and keeps you from moving forward. Tomorrow is a new day....get on line and start looking....do what ever they ask you to....and go for it.

[LadyPenelope]

I do empathise with your current situation and I think moving out of NY is a very good step in the right direction. I learn a very difficult but useful lesson rather late in life ; you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. People can prop you up here and there but you have to get to the point where you need a wake up call, to rise up again, and like Bob said stop using such language or you’ll never get anywhere. So you have acne, so what? There are people out there who are deaf, blind and unable to walk yet they haven’t given up. I’m not sure if you knew Steven Hawkings. I’m writing from my bed after my 4th cardiac arrest. I have Endometriosis, ME, Fibromyalgia, Angina, Asthma, Photofobia and a partridge in a pear tree. I’ve lost my rectum and part of my colon. You’re blessed to have acne. Wash your face with a Benzoyl Peroxide face wash and try not to squeeze or keep touching your face. If you have hair, make sure you wash it daily with shampoo. Your scalp is part of your skin. Don’t block the pores on your face with oily creams. You’re only 25 and you’ve got your sister to help as well. Try volunteering and you’ll get a huge confidence boost. That singer with the awful scarred face (kiss from a rose) was married to a beautiful model. It’s not always about the outside. It’s more about what comes out of you. So, lose the swear words, start from volunteering and don’t be too hard on yourself. Besides you can get unemployment welfare from the state to keep you going till you get your break. Good luck.

[hypercat54]

I am glad that awful swearing was noticed by the other responders. Foul language isn't allowed on here.

I have severe acne from my teens and still have some scars and pits on my skin many years later. I have had very little bullying and the most I have had is from men who judge me as 'ugly' and have to let me know this. Ok it does hurt but it certainly doesn't define me and my stock answer to this is '**** off you idiot or have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? Stand up for yourself and remember attack is the best form of defense!

If you still have problems see a dermatologist as they are the experts in skin conditions.

As far as employment goes ok it can be tough but keep persevering as something will turn up in the end. It might not be the something you want or are over qualified for but if you don't mind what work you do at least you will be employed and earning money.

Good luck with it. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello LackofPL. I am sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I can see that some of our members have given you the benefit of their experience already and hopefully this will be of some help to you.

I see that you want to be able to provide for your mom and sister which is very considerate of you but perhaps for the moment you need to try to help yourself first of all. In your favour you do have quite a good resume as it has helped you get to the interview stage with four employers so keep applying and in time you will succeed. It also sounds that you are not all that far away from the end of your bachelors in English so well done for that but don't forget that study can be stressful in itself. Is there anybody you can speak to about the difficulties you mentioned regarding your studies?

You don't mention in your post whether you have ever been able to see a counsellor to talk through some of the issues you mention and if not it would certainly be a good idea to try and arrange an appointment. In the meantime have a look at the link below where you will find links to other useful sites and information.

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

Also with regard to your acne have you discussed this recently with a medical doctor as it causes you so much distress and treatments change all the time.

Please keep posting. You have made a good first step and we will try to support you as much as we can.

Take care

[Krazie]

After reading the comments, I have a comment of my own

We all have different perspectives on the same issue. Our own personal life experiences 'color' the way we see things and how we respond. I would hate to think that my feelings might be minimized because someone else had a different experience.

Being bullied as children tears down our self esteem. We tend to carry childhood issues into our adult life. I am sorry you had to deal with this, Lack.... However, you are an adult. now, and must seek ways to rebuild yourself. It can be done, through positive thinking. There is a lot of negativity in your post, a lot of tearing yourself down. Try looking at yourself. and your pattern of thinking. When you catch yourself thinking something bad about yourself, change it to something positive. For example: "I feel like such a bum". change it to "I am working on a degree, and I will finish". Be positive. Be kind to yourself. There are lots of things you have done for other people. There are kind things you have done. Kind things you could be doing. When we do for others, we feel better about ourselves. It might be as simple as giving up your seat on the subway to an older person, or a lady. Helping someone across the street. Everyday, as we go about our business, there are opportunities to help others.

Maybe others can offer suggestions.......

We are here to help you in any way we can. Love and hugs are being sent to you!