Hello, I'm a 25 year old male living in NY. Unfortuantely I'm unemployed, I feel like a bum at times during the day, and end up sleeping more hours than i should. I've been unemployed for months and haven't had luck in finding a job, despite a solid resume and applying to many jobs and landing 4 interviews. At this point I'm applying to almost anything. See the real problem is i feel like a ******! And quite possibly I am a ******.
I have a mother, an older sister and i have absolutely No money to provide/take care of them the way i should be. My mother deserves so much more because of what she has been through in her life. And the fact that i cant make it better for her, absolutely destroys me, everyday. I literally have 0 income and 0 dollars in the bank, so i cant help with the rent and food. And matter of fact i cant even eat much cause i of my situation. Ive been through alot in my 25years, but this just may be rock bottom for me. Stress is at an all-time high. I've seemingly cut almost evry1 off. Lately I've been testy with the few i had left in my life and its been heated. But then i end up just crying in my room.
My sister works and gives me alittle money every few weeks, but that makes me feel like ****... The problem for so many years has been in my mind, the insecurity, the self-shaming, the negativity. It all stemmed from suffering horrible acne starting in my teens (i still have it now but not as bad). I was bullied and harshly made fun of for many years. So many moments where i was ashamed and emvarrassed and reduced to tears. I hated myself. Even before the acne, my own family (2 of my cousins) bullied me and made fun of me for crying about it. They always called me "mr sensitive". I dont speak to either of them anymore but not really because of that. Although 1 of them i despise, and he was the main bully of the 2. Even physically...Despite this i did spend my HS years on a "fake confidence" to get some girls here and there. But that stopped working for me and i realized i didnt love myself and what i looked like and then i slipped into a deep depression where i cried many nights in my room and thought many times to give up (this at 19yrs old). I've been through alot in my life (abusive father that was imprisoned when i was 5 until i turned 13). This ****** me up mentally due to my cousins all having their parents. I was hurting as a kid not having him around and seeing them enjoy father time. BUT i have to accept responsibility for where i am being that im a grown adult. I cannot blame him anymore. This is my fault... We see each other now once a week but i have realized that our relationship will NEVER be what i hoped as a kid waiting for him to be released from prison. He is too ****** up in the head. Everything is a debate with him. And i guess i cant fully accept the abuse and things he has put me and my mother and sister through. Especially to my mother. My life Struggle is possibly at its peak of BAD . I still suffer from low self-esteem. I have no job. No money. Feel like a loser. And I actually have been staying at home most of the day and havent spoken to any1 other than my 1 friend that i have left, my mom and my sister. I Havent hungout because i feel horrible and have no money. On top of ALL this, we have to move to another place (trying to stay in NY) in 2yrs and it is imperative that i start earning $ and saving up for the move. I want to stay in a good neighborhood and I want to be the biggest financial support for my mom and sis so badly, but just cant seem to find my way. I cant catch a break with a job. Im also in school, just a few semesters away from a bachelors in English, but i ****** up on that as well this past semester. I cant shake my anxiety (or whatever it is) around ppl where i feel like LESS. And i get nervous and my heart races a bit. Its like my mind has shifted back to the teenage years of depression. And it seems My life has gone backwards as far as jobs go. I had a better job at 19. This all leads to me eating cheap junk and not keeping up with fitness like i was. When the year started i had all these goals and confidence and was working out alot and not worried about life. But here i am 7months later still no job cant hangout with any girls and i am home now more than ever. I just dont know how to get out of this hole with so many issues to address and fix. I have faith and pray to God and believe he has a path for me, but I also realize that i need to fix my mindset because i cant be successful while feeling ashamed of who i am (not being who i thought i would be by this age)
If any1 has taken time to read all this and can offer any words, support or advicd i would so greatly appreciate it! I literally have no1 else to say this to.