I've hit rock bottom

[BrokenOne]

So I've felt like a nobody for years. My relationships have left me feeling worthless and I've only had the strength to go on for my daughter's sake. Sadly, that's not even enough anymore. I just want this life to be over with already and I don't think I can come back from this.

[Brumchick]

Hello I dont know you ,but i care, i know how it is to feel broken too.My life was incredibly difficult and i felt i couldnt go on twice.PLease dont do anything rash.if you have no one to talk to could you talk to Samaritons or if you have one a mental health nurse? when u feel in despair you are not able to think straight. I know this from personal and former professional experiences.Im sorry that you feel so hopeless and as if your life means nothing.Please talk to someome and reach out for help, not just for yur daughter but for you as well.You are someone you are ,a mum ,a friend ,you could even be a grandmother f not already. In the future.Please reach out ,there are people there who can help you through your pain,and help get you on an even keel again.My Mother and my younger brother took their own lives ten years apart.Both times i was devastsated and thought each time that i would never again smile ,feel joy, feel anything only despair,I was wrong and im glad that i didnt follow through with my own despairing thoughts.I tell you this not for pity. I tell you this highly personal story because i have been on both sides of the coin.Wanting to die and having someone follow through on their own heartbreaking wish to die.Please reach out there are people to help you only a phonecall away.I will be thinking of you .

[BrokenOne in reply to Brumchick]

Thank you for sharing with me. I'm so sorry for your losses. My depression is like a rollercoaster & about 2 wks ago a friend was shot by her fiancé, who then shot himself. This began my latest cycle. I was so heartbroken for the little girl she leaves behind & when I wrote this first post, all I could think was how could I let myself get so down that I would be willing to leave my own child behind? It forced me to reach out and I'm so glad I did. I was terrified of the thoughts controlling my mind & for a bit there, they were winning. The mind is a powerful thing.

[Brumchick in reply to BrokenOne]

So glad you reached out too.wishing you all good things.

Brumchick

[Hidden]

Hello BrokenOne...I know exactly how you feel. Im amazed how much in common I have with people on here. You sound like you describing me...alot of y'all sound and feel just as I do. I have 2 teen boys have been a single mother for 11 years. I feel like you do but think about how much my boys still need me and want me to live life with them. I always thank God for them because even though I have suffered almosr all my life with these disorders they give me a reason to live be here and to live this life. I dislike how my disorders make me so selfish...can't just concentrate on them and the good things. But I do know I have to keep pushing through another day for them no matter how bad I feel or how my day was. Do it for your baby girls. Keep on fighting and praying and make the best of it for them. I know it is so so hard...believe me I truly know but we can do it...YOU can and will keep moving forward to a better life. Take care hun I'll pray for us.

[BrokenOne in reply to Hidden]

The selfish feeling is the worst. I can be laying in bed, consumed by the sadness and knowing if I'd get up and take the child out, I'd feel a bit better. But, the depression somehow takes priority. If I could learn to fight it at that moment, I could eventually take charge of my happiness & not end up in the pits of hell; or so it feels.

[Wendymary]

Start looking at the positives you have a daughter., I would have loved children., if your relationships make you feel worthless., try being on your own for a while you be surprised how you can still live & be happy without a partner to drag you down.. my dear friend just lost there battle with cancer at 44yrs old., believe me he desperately wanted to live., you are depressed so go to doctors get some help & be on your own for a while ., you will survive I am sure., if people love you they will make you happy ., if not walk away ., life is too dam short

[Matrix]

Hello, I agree with every thing Brumchick says below . I think a trip to see your dr would help tell him/ her how you feel . No one can feel how desperate you feel but we have all had times when we have had enough and don't want to go on , I think how would ny family feel . Please consider going to dr or if you have a mental health provider let them know how you are feeling Sending a gentle hug and a deep desire for you to get some help xx

[MaxPayne]

As I get older, I'm more able to forgive myself for being imperfect and to have a sense of humor about my faults. Everyone you meet has their own struggles and imperfections that you may never know about. At first glimpse I tend to assume that everyone is far more on top of things than I am, but in time I get to know them and I realize that we're all struggling with one thing or another and making it up as we go along. Everybody is 'somebody' and whoever made you feel otherwise has a lot to answer for! You have a daughter, so have I. She is going on 20 and is an incredible source of strength although she has her own problems. Together we are strong, single we are weak! Please try to stay strong for your daughters sake. Over the past 2 years I lost my Dad, Mom and 3 siblings. I also lost my job due to my many illness's and nearly lost my darn house to the banks! I keep going, day by day. I WILL fight it all out to the end, the natural end that is! You have opened a 'door' for yourself by coming on here, I've only just walked in but already I feel like I'm not alone! Stay strong, stay here..please!

[BrokenOne]

I hope this reaches you all. I appreciate you taking time to reach out & share your stories with me. I know I need to find the strength to pull through this. I'm only 36, my daughter is 17, & I'm ashamed for allowing someone to make me feel so badly about myself. My grandmother, who raised me, died almost 2 yrs ago. She was my shoulder so at the moment, I feel quite lost. I live in the US & just stumbled across this board. I'm in a very dark place right now & will be calling the crisis center a bit later when they open. I feel like I've been fighting these demons since I was a teenager and they're becoming unbearably strong. Every day I feel like everyone would be better off without me around but I know the child wouldn't, and that is what needs to matter most. I'm just feeling like I'm not even good for her at this point. All I do is sleep and cry. I fake the smiles daily and return to bed as soon as work it over. It's an ugly existence.

Thank you again, you kind strangers

[pixiewixie]

Dear, dear Broken One You have the strength to pull through ... You do have great strength! Look how you reached out and were heard by 'kind & understanding strangers.' Sometimes life is So overwhelming and we loose the strength to either understand or cope with it. You sound so tired but still you found us all on this site ... people who do care for you & who do understand a little of that dark place in which you feel so Broken. As Brumchick said you are someone. You are a Mother! There are so many future roles that you will fufil. Those relationships which you speak of were never meant to be ... if they have left you feeling so worthless; please remember relationships need to nurture, love & 'hold you'. How good that you escaped them & have a relationship which is binding, yes the one with your daughter who needs you so much! As MaxPayne says; You have opened a door coming on here & you are not alone. What about your doctor, have you now the strength to speak with them? Part of your grandmother will always be with you, she loved & cared and was there for you. Your child wants & needs you. She loves & cares about you.

I wish you peace & an opportunity to get some help. Stay as strong as you can be. . . . XX Pixiewixie

[BrokenOne in reply to pixiewixie]

I truly appreciate the time taken for such kind words. I've never opened up like this in such a public setting for fear of being judged. You all have given me a little glimpse of the light ahead & for that alone, I am grateful. I had a conversation with the child tonight to ease her concerns because I know it was weighing heavily on her & that made me feel so much worse. I also have an appt tomorrow evening to speak with a counselor & begin the journey to resolving these issues.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all again for lending an ear.

xoxo

[pixiewixie]

Dear BrokenOne I hope you are feeling a little better. I hope also that you are believing a little, just a little more in your personal strength. ( you are a strong, brave girl). Just a note to let you know I am thinking of you & your precious little one! xx Pixiewixie