Woke up about 0600 with a sense of dread. Think that was just the mind playing tricks as the last time I went back to work after a few days off work was the day the boyfriend had his heart attack - and the first feeling of dread was associated with that.
At 0745 the phone went - another friend - and I thought that she was ringing to tell me that another friend who is now in a nursing home was dead so it was a relief when the first words from the other end were 'I wanted to share some good news with you' - turns out that the friend has just had a collection of music that they had made over the years accepted by the royal academy of music as a collection of special interest. Then she asked me about the boyfriend and I nearly burst into tears - though I think that was more to do with relief around the initial fear when I saw the number and thought friend had died.
Had morning text from the boyfriend and he sounds fine - and last night's email was very chatty about the MotoGP races yesterday. Guess there is a bit of me that feels sad about that as that was the last one that is going to be televised by the BBC ... so may need to subscribe to someone else in order to see them next year (gone to BT).
Anyway, time to drink my coffee and then think about heading to work.
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Gambit62
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Guess I probably managed to get through quite a bit at work today but it was really tough going at times - general anxiety has continued to be quite high and I'm aware I'm hunching over. Once I manage to concentrate on something I'm okay but getting to that point can be quite hard work. Still, one day and I'll have a day off (work 4 days a week) which makes it a bit easier.
How are you coping with things - sounds as if you are managing to get to grips with just getting on and doing things and hoping the motivation comes afterwards.
Hopefully as you say it was the mind playing tricks today....and tomorrow it won't associate with anxiety.
Sort of - it's a bit surreal. I still feel pretty low in myself. My default mood is being a stubborn teenager and refusing to leave its room. But I seem to be managing things better than I have in a long time. Not only productive but actually producing very good work - can't remember the last time I did that - and getting back into all the things I like doing outside work. Don't really understand it, but maybe it is the therapy kicking in.
Feeling much better today. Hope that you continue being able to get on with things. Lots of people say they tend to be at their most artistic when it is a struggle
Thanks Hannah - today is definitely a lot better - I just woke up yesterday morning and it was this gut wrenching panic that he'd had another heart attack. Still waking up at 0600 - don't think my body will ever adjust to the hour but no panic this morning which is really good.
Its amazing what a difference 24 hours can make - today has been absolutely fine with no knots of anxiety! think my mind must have decided to associate the anxiety over going back to work after a few days off with all the anxiety I had from my boyfriend's heart attack as I just woke up convinced he'd had another one for absolutely no reason - he's actually coping really well and think his energy levels are slowly building up though they may never get to where they were before.
Anyway, I think I've sussed out my mind's ruse so next time I'll know to tell it that work will be okay and there's no need to panic me with such horrible thoughts
Hades is sitting next to me on the window - think Sephie is outside enjoying the sunshine ... the sibblings are round for a visit and were nosing around a food bag in the kitchen - has all gone ominously quiet so I probably ought to go and check ...
They'd split the bag open! Has now been transferred to a plastic box that they shouldn't be able to break into ... though starting to worry a bit about the other bag ... Always laugh in the morning when I give my two a slice of meet and they are up on the counter trying to nuzzle in as I break it up when they know that actually they aren't going to get anything until they are back on the floor!
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but no panic this morning which is really good.
Why are the mornings so bad?
the site feels different
Feel like a failure with no motivation 
