Hello emms!

[ThemysciraDrive]

Emma - how are you doing today? I hope you were able to get into work. Let us know

[emms]

I went into work, but once again after no sleep, and have had to constantly cut myself in the toilets all day

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to emms]

That's ok, the important thing is that you got through it. And going into work is a positive even if it's difficult. How are your cuts, are they still ok and staying clean at the moment?

How long have you been teaching for? I remember you mentioning the lab so I guess you must teach something scientific?

Something that may help with sleeping...try lying flat on your back, rest your arms at your sides and then turn your arms over so your palms face up to the ceiling. It's how you relax in yoga - turning your arms palm-upwards forces your shoulder, neck and upper back muscles to relax, which is where you normally retain most tension. It might not be enough to sleep but it will at least take some tension out of your body. It sounds a stupid thing to make such a difference, but I do it in yoga class every week and it does work. I've nearly drifted off on the mat a couple of times!

I can't believe the doctor didn't do that depression test with you! That's ridiculous. There is a version of it online if you don't know it. I would go through it and write down the questions and your score for them and take it with you. I'm on the way home at the moment so on my phone, but when I get in I'll give a link to the test. It may get them to take you more seriously.

[emms in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

they already know I have clinical depression thats why I was referred to a psychiatrist and have been in hospital so much, but Ive not seen her since I was last in hospital in July. Yes I have slept like that before. I teach (or did teach) science, am a biologist, but taught all three as its a small school. And music. I have other diagnoses aswell including complicated grief, and post traumatic stress

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to emms]

Ah, sorry I hope that didn't sound patronising! I was just thinking that the medical people all seem to be a bit dismissive, and maybe if you took that test in they might finally cotton on how bad you're feeling. Did it help seeing the psychiatrist? Maybe you could ask to see her more often tomorrow.

Wow I'm impressed! I never liked science, more of a humanities type. I do music though, what do you play? I play guitar, funnily enough I give my guitars names (yeah, sad I know!) and one of my electrics is Emma. The other electric is Siobhaun and the acoustic is Yvonne.

I did think there must be an element at least of grief in how you felt from some of the things you've said, but I didn't like to ask in case I was wrong! Sounds like you've had some really rough luck cookie - what happened? Tell me where to go if you'd rather not talk about it.

[emms in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

yes the psychiatrist seems to sort things out very quickly, but she sends me appointments in the post, so just have to wai for those. I really wish I hadnt lost touch with my nurse. I cant play guitar, but have played the piano, accordian, flute, violin, and tin whistle. My boyfriend died 3 years ago, but for the first year I didnt believe anybody and just thought he was lost, and waited for him to come back. I tried to kill myself that year, had hypothermia, but was rescued by a fisherman. I still dont know exactly what happened to him, and didnt go to his funeral, he went home to Ireland to visit his family, and never came back

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to emms]

Do you have any contact details for the nurse, or could the Doctor give you them so you can call her rather than have to wait for them to call you? I think it is definitely worth saying how much the psychiatrist helps, you could ask to be referred again - I would imagine then that you would get some more urgent sessions with her.

This is the page with the depression test by the way - nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depressi... - it's meant for people to work whether they might be depressed, but I think it would be a good thing for you to take - from what you've been saying you will get a high score and they won't be able to just dismiss stuff like that (also, if you can, tell them or write about saving up your meds to overdose - they have a duty of care and they cannot ignore something like that, it would be negligence if they did).

Heavens, you have some talent to burn there! Do you still play any of them? I find playing my guitar helps me a lot when I feel very bad.

Aw no...I really don't know what to say, I can't say I know how that feels but I can imagine. Must be so hard not to know what happened. And this was the guy that doctor told you to forget about the other night?! She really was an unadulterated b**** wasn't she? How long were you guys together? And how are you managing with the grief now?

I'm very glad that fisherman rescued you though

Sorry, this is a bit of a long reply, but I also wanted to ask; what sort of time is your appointment tomorrow? Only because as I mentioned earlier, I can use this site on my phone, so although I'll be at work, I can keep myself logged in to the site for a couple of hours before your appointment if you like? In case you get any anxiety or worries before you go, then you can reply to me here for some support would that be helpful?

[emms]

Thank you, my appointment is at 08.50am. Its early but am always awake at the moment anyway. I havent played any of them for a while, as I dont tend to feel like it at the moment. Yes it really upset me when she told me I had to forget about him, I was with him for 5 years, had to leave my house two years ago as I couldnt afford to live there alone especially as I wasnt really working much. When I used to see my psychiatrist she had told me to go to bereavement counselling, but ive not managed it yet. Thanks for the link will look at it now x

[Holly101 in reply to emms]

Goodnight Emms, lots of luck with your appointment tomorrow, I'll be thinking about you!

I really hope something good comes out of it, at last..

Lots of love and hugs,

Holly xxx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to emms]

Ok, that's no problem, I get up for work between 6 and half past, so I'll log in once I've showered and stuff. And then I'll be around if you need me - just reply on this post.

I think there are some charities that do bereavement counselling, so there could a few routes other than the health service if you wanted to try it.

I'm not a counsellor or anything, but for what it's worth, I think trying to forget those we love is a) pointless, because we won't forget them, and b) not really constructive. I think that "moving on" as people tend to refer to it as, is really a process of moving through the bereavement and dealing with the person's absence until we are able to smile and draw happiness from their memory, rather than sorrow from their absence. I was very close to my Granddad as a child; he died when I was 10 (I'm 26 now), and for a good few years I would really feel his absence whenever I thought of him, and I would want him there to tell me what to do. But eventually I did get to a point where I was able to accept that he wasn't there and just cherish the memory. Now, even on my very worst days, thinking of my Granddad always cheers me up.

I'll have to say good night now. I hope you're able to sleep a little tonight. I hope I've been helpful, if I don't talk to you before your appointment tomorrow - GOOD LUCK!! {{{{Emma}}}} Write a post for us all afterwards, I know there will be lots of people on here thinking of you tomorrow and wanting to know how it went.

[emms]

thankyou, I hope they can do something too,. and wont just want to get rid of me, good night xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to emms]

Hey cookie - how did it go?