hello all. *tw self harm*

[nle31]

i don't quite know what to say here. i have suspected i have depression for several years now, but can't get the courage to go to the doctors. i have a history of self harm (one years, 2 months and 16 days unharmed) and i also have asperger's syndrome. when i met my boyfriend 2 and a half years ago, all the bad stuff in my head seemed to fade away but they have slowly been coming back. he has anger issues that stem from childhood abuse, and he seems angrier lately and i am not sure if there is a correlation between that and how i feel.

on top of this we are both unemployed, have rubbish home lives (he lives with his mother who has lupus and his brothers, all of whom are very manipulative and plain unkind) (i live with my mother who claims to have ocd but really i think she's just a control freak and she makes me incredibly unhappy), and want to move in together and start a family but our situations mean this is impossible. i think my struggle to find employment also contributes to how i feel. i have a phobia of speaking on the phone so any job application that requires me to speak on the phone stresses me out to the point of sometimes just not turning up to the interviews. lately i have though that i should just kill myself so i am not longer a burden on my family, and no longer have to feel so numb and defeated. sometimes on the other hand, i want to start cutting again so i can just feel something. i often feel sick with worry, and my boyfriend causes me extra anxiety because his mother does everything for him so he has no common sense or life skills and stresses me out when he doesn't think about what he is doing. i am constantly worried about being 'caught out' for something i haven't yet done.

i think this is a bit of a word vomit.

[KelsMc29]

We all have difficult times in our life's & your situation sounds tough. Is there any short courses available in your area that would interest you? That may boost your confidence in yourself & may help your social skills with others so that when you do go for a job this can help?

Obviously you have issues in your relationship otherwise you wouldn't mention your concerns on here, does your partner recurve any help for his past issues & would that be something he would consider?.. Also how about you? Do you receive help & support from anyone? Do you have any positive people around you to help?..

[nle31 in reply to KelsMc29]

thanks for your reply. i have looked into courses but i feel incredibly anxious at the thought of actually attending. he is on the waiting list for counselling, but with the nhs who knows how long that will take. my grandma is the light in my life and my dad is brilliant but they don't know anything about this stuff and i could never tell them. i have nobody, to be honest.

[Suzie40]

I have to start by saying that I LOVE the word vomit analogy. You're a very good writer. I really felt for you when I read your post. You seem to have a lot stacked against you, while at the same time it's obvious how hard you are trying to overcome your difficulties and live a good life.

I love how you used the word 'and' to mention your Aspergers, and not 'but'. I work with children with Aspergers and while I can see how incredibly hard it is for them to make sense of the world around them, I think they are gifted with their Apergers brains. I could listen to them regurgitating their thoughts all day!

Are you able to claim DLA? If you were, it would at least provide an element of financial security, during which time you could explore voluntary work or courses to develop your ability to communicate better with people.

There are so many people on here who understand how hard it is to approach the GP about depression. I would urge you to try and find a way around it, as it would be a huge shame if you started hurting yourself again. How about sending him a letter, saying the same kind of things that you've mentioned above?

I'm wondering what was in place to help you stop harming one year, two months and sixteen days ago. That support was obviously effective as you've done so well since.

Hope to hear back from you soon,

Lucy x

[nle31 in reply to Suzie40]

thanks for your reply. i'm really angry and sad to say that i did relapse and hurt myself again. the last time i cut before this was the anniversary of my grandfather's death, and it sounds stupid but in my head i promised him i wouldn't do it any more, which makes the fact that i have so much worse.

i didn't know you could write to a gp! i will think about that. in a way it's the idea of rejection that stops me going. what if they think i'm just being silly and dismiss me as an attention seeker? i have been to the hospital for self harm before and the nurse there kind of said "a lot of young people have similar problems" and that really put me off.

on a positive note to end it, i have an interview for a job i'd love next week. i learnt that over 300 people (i live in quite a small town) applied and i am only one of 15 to be interviewed, and that gave me quite the confidence boost but also created fresh anxiety. but i have the interview AND i called to confirm my place. feeling pretty proud of myself about that

[Photogeek in reply to nle31]

Hi just read your post and I really admire your courage In spite of your circumstances You are obviously a fairly strong person

And be proud about getting called for interview for the job. Your

Intelligence and worth must have shoe through , so give

Yourself a big pat on the back for this.

Try not to dwell on the slip I to self harming , no one is perfect and the fact that you have Insight Into what tips you Into that

Dark place.

Try and talk about your feelings to your Dad, that's a big plus

To think that you have a good relationship. So push yourself and see

Your GP because you sound like a really lovely girl and

You are worth it

Let us know how things pan out

Hannah x

[gardengnome]

hi sounds like both you and your boyfriend are in that awkward in-between time of life. When parents and family have not let go and still think of you guys as still being children / teenagers, while both of you need to become adults.

It might take a little time for both of you and your family's to get through that stage.

My stammering does mean that i have avoided office type environments where there is lots of phoning to do. Though i do find that if i do start stammering, all it seems to take is for me to state that that is what is happening, and then somehow something in my head allows me to go on to speak properly. But of course everyone is different..

Guess for now plan to take a job where there is less need to phone, BUT do get practice using the phone meantime, whether it is phoning people you know, or making trivial calls, like checking up on a restaurants' opening hours, just to get used to the phone, do it on days when you are feeling o.k. and have enough time to recover from the stress of the calls.

When the phone phobia goes down enough you will later on be able to get the kind of job you are aiming for, for now it might have to be a compromise of work that does not pay so well, so do lots of phone homework when you feel strong enough to do it.

Start today if you can

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Are you linked in to any of the adults with ASD groups? In terms of social phone phobia, they can be really helpful in terms of skills coaching. I'm phone phobic too (my diagnosis is dyspraxia) but it's a good marker of my depression as to whether I can cope with checking my phone messages. Also with ASD, ask at the job office about specific coaching for employment for people with ASD.