how I am this week,

[misterporpoise]

Ive stopped treatment for cancer this week, I feel sober and theres a salty paracetamol taste in my mouth, its the first time in my adult life I havnt taken prescription medicines, I feel abused, I might die, my plan is to have a ct scan some time next year, and decide what to do afterwards, I feel alone, I cant relate to people and they cant relate to me, I put it to people Ive been abused, they agree, 'contact a medical solicitor' 'no I dont agree to you record our conversation', Im not interested in getting my own back, or pressing charges against anyone, its a sorry state of affairs when your speaking with professionals with a guilty conscience, I feel like their concerned parent.

[Hidden]

Hi

I feel sad to read you have cancer and have stopped treatment because although it must be awful it does sometimes make a difference and once dead there is no choice - BUT I do think it's great that you feel able to take control over what's happening to you otherwise it will feel like abuse. You have an absolute right to choose and in your situation I might well choose to just get on with life and take the risk of dying, because we all could die tomorrow anyway. I hope you take care of yourself in a more general sense, have a good diet, fresh air, etc. It's sad that you can't relate to people, that must be lonely for you. I wonder whether it would help to just have someone who is well trained and there to listen to you and not try to tell you what to do or what you should be doing? You would need to find a psychodynamic therapist or else someone experienced in working with terminal illness you would respect your choice. I don't know whether MacMillan could put you in touch with a suitable person for support, even if it's just in writing or by phone, but it's sad to think of you coping alone with knowing you have cancer. I'm not surprised you feel sober, reality can be harsh. You say you plan to have a CT scan but don't say what that's about. Write more if you feel like it, I'll reply if I can.

Suexx

[misterporpoise in reply to Hidden]

what I think is that, I might die and it is disappointing, I have contemplated death for the past three years, I am more comfortable with it now than I have ever been before, Im going to stop thinking about it for the coming weeks and months, I think, I am not special, I find that comforting amongst other emotions, CT scans showed the cancer to be stable since Jan this year,

it started in the stomach in 2009, then it spread all over the shop lol, in 2011 I had a massive op after that it was just the liver, Im going to speak to a professional before very long, Jon.

[Hidden in reply to misterporpoise]

Oh Jon, I can imagine, it must be very disappointing thinking you might die. There's a lot of potential hopes and dreams that may not be lived. Do you grieve about that? Sometimes trying not to think about things puts more pressure on the body than going through the emotional pain which is then released from the body. You might think about that?

No, none of us are so special as to avoid the reality of illness or death or accidents, but you are unique and that makes you special. Also whatever you feel like about your ability to relate now, you will have been special to a parent at one time or you would not have survived. Someone took care of you because they didn't want you to die and that is also worth thinking about. I'm glad the cancer is stable, people do get over things that seem impossible, my father survived things that were said to be likely to kill him and outlived his healthy wife by many years, there's no telling.

I hope things go well with the professional. I think you're sensible to put the cancer to one side in terms of not endlessly going through the medical side of things, but avoiding thinking about it is a double edged sword - why not choose times when you can write about it, think about it and more importantly feel and grieve about it, but have lots of times when you can file those thoughts and feelings away and get on with living. What would you like to do with the remaining time - which might turn out to be long! You are able to relate in writing so I wonder what makes you think you can't relate to people and they can't relate to you - I can certainly relate to all you've written!

Keep writing if you would like to,

Suexx

[misterporpoise]

Suexx, thankyou for your responses, Id like to say, the reason I don't want to die is I enjoy life a lot, and as for relating to other people and them relating to me, Im ferociously independent, thanks again, I intend to write how Im feeling next week because it helps me, cheers Jon.

[Hidden]

I respect your right to make your own decisions as you see fit. I have a good friend also living with cancer who has made the same choice. She will not go for any more invasive treatment but she does made sure she has check ups and so on. I don't want you to die. I want you to continue living as long and as healthy life as possible. Especially as you love life so much. Hugs.

Bev xx