depressed ?

[jimmyriddle]

where do i start ? i know im depressed as my doctor told me . i was sexually abused as a child by my father . (im male) ive had cbt and about to start again . im 51 ,i think the world wouldn,t miss me . oh dear i don,t know how to tell my story . i hate life .

[Suzie40]

Maybe you're not ready to tell your story. Perhaps one little tiny bit of it would be the best place to start? There are so many people in here who can listen and help where they can x

[Photogeek]

I agree with Suzie34, maybe you just need to process everything that has happened in your past, sit with this for a while, and then slowly get yourself into a new way of caring for yourself. Cut yourself some slack here, A wound does not heal overnight. Take care of yourself. x

[jimmyriddle]

thanks for the comments peeps . as i said above i had 2 years of councilling and ive never really got on with things. i think its just getting worse as the suicidal thoughts are getting worse i feel i cant do a thing right when it comes to family and i cant talk to my wife due to her having a heart attack with cardiac arrest . i have high blood pressure 164/100 at last check up and i have ramiprill 10mg with a beetablocker and its still not bringing it down , ive just been diagnoised with sleep apnea as well . i just think if i end it i would be better off . my head is spinning around 32 pills a day for all sorts of illnesses .. gets you down every minute of the day

[jimmyriddle in reply to jimmyriddle]

for got to say cbt starts again on 4th july and gp visit 1st july . the only thing keeping me going is my twin kids (8)..

[sheffield1978]

hi jimmy

i first read this at about half 6 this morning and have been thinking of you for most of the day but wanted to think a little about my reply.

if what happened when you were younger is too painful to talk about buy a cheap note book and write it gets easier as time goes on and then if or when you feel strong enough you have a good base to work from just dont read it if you are already feeling depressed.

you will find as you read more replys from your mini fan club you may not be able to say what happened but you can start to understand some of your feelings about it and in time little snippets may come out.

you say counselling didnt work? i lose my voice when i try to talk about what happened to me a few of the clever ladies on here worked out thats maybe down to being told to keep a secret. Do you maybe feel the same? you can tell me to butt out if you want.

does your gp know your having suicidal thoughts? maybe you could get an appointment on monday or take yourself to A+E and now i put that about A+E i bet you feel you cant? you can.

i sympathise with taking lots of medication but just think it is keeping you healthy for your wife and children.

sorry if i have rambled a few days no sleep. thinking of you

sarah x

[Hidden in reply to sheffield1978]

You know Sarah - I really admire you because despite struggling so much yourself you offer other people such a lot of help and support. Your advice here for Jimmy is really good, writing down how you feel and different memories about what happened is a really good way of coping. I found that writing about my childhood began a story which I elaborated over the years, so that at one point it was 13 pages but now it's 23 and I really should go back to it again and try to expand it further. Making sense of the past is so important, it helps clarify things and often enables an understanding of what's going on here and now. Take care, Suexx

[Hidden]

Jimmy I think you are brave to say how you are feeling! I feel like giving up heck of a lot of the time! I sit here with my Parrots and thats it ! I used to be a very heavy drinker but after a TIA and my Partner of over 22 years decided to call it a day and I had another "TIA" I quit drinking ! I am now on so much medication including Zomorph and Oramorph I couldnt drink even IF I wanted to! I now know my drinking was so I could hide from the fear and loathing I still have towards my self ! my memory is shot to pieces either through drink or Something bad that happened to me when I was a child ! I self harmed for a while and then made a serious attempt at suicide according to my medical records! I genuinely can not remember the suicide attempt! or attempts ! nor can I remember the self harming even though I have started self harming again! Yes I do feel no one would miss me if I am gone but I have to be here for my Birds and my ex !when I feel down I come here and put how I feel I even get replies sometimes! and that alone helps!

[jimmyriddle]

thanks sarah and dello1 . tomorrow i have my doctors appointment and hope to have a good talk . cbt is thursday . dello i don,t drink . don,t like it .. i don,t really want to say too much but i have tried suicide more than twice . one of the times i had medication that didnt suit me and it was picked up by the chemist when i told her i was sitting behind my door with a handfull of pills just ready to swallow them . my wife caught me before they went in my mouth ..

anyhow doctors and talk may help

[jimmyriddle]

slight update . doctor cancelled .- he cancelled - still have my cbt on thursday . and im no better . medication is not working and im starting to think most of my problems are due to worry about wife and debt ..

[PlayGround17]

Hi Jimmy, have you tried QHHT? I think you would be really surprised of its benefits.