I don't actually think I cold feel any more miserable if I tried.

[Suzie40]

My sister, who I really love, has got herself in a bit of a tangle and she blames me for what has happened. I know that I didn't cause it, but in hindsight I could have perhaps done more to help her avoid it. Perhaps I'll blog about that separately. Anyway, as a result she wont speak to me and this morning sent me a text telling me to stay away from her and her children. To me that's the kind of thing to say if something really terrible has happened, not a bit of gossip that has been misinterpreted. I don't really have many friends, so we fall out it has a big impact on my life.

Well that was my start to the day. I'd asked a plumber to call in to look at a leaky tap for me. Within minutes he was sighing, doing the whole 'shake his head in disapproval' thing, and poking and prodding bits that I hadn't even mentioned! A bit of random scribbling on his pad and suddenly the bill to fix the tap was £150! How on earth can anyone justify charging that to chage a tap? I could have asked him to leave it, but the leak is causing damage to the kitchen ceiling below which could potentially cost me hundereds to fix if it gets worse. So now I'm skint for the rest of the month.

Had I known what the tap would cost I wouldn't have spent £100 on a new BBQ yesterday. I planned to invite my sister and my two friends round later. My son is really excited as we've never had a BBQ before and he loves my sister's children. However since we've fallen out she has asked my friend to go out instead and now I only have one friend coming to the BBQ. I've bought loads of food and paid someone £50 to do he lawns and cut back a tree. I want to take the BBQ back to pay the plumber, but my son will be devastated.

I'm having the most horrendous menstural period this month which is not pleasant in weather like this and it's making me really tearful. To further complicate this I've forgotten to take my meds for a few days so I'm feeling both the physical and psychological effects of doing so.

I'm now at my daughter's swimming lesson, stuffing my face with chocolate, and thinking about how fat all this over eating is making me. I'm supposed to be a hen party picnic tomorrow but my sister is the only option for childcare I have. So that'll be cancelled and no doubt I'll sit in the house eating and mauling.

I have no one to reach out to, no one to talk to. My Mum is drunk all the time so I can't talk to her. Other family members don't want to play piggy in the middle between my sister and I respect that. Friends just nod understandingly and then proceed to tell me their own problems. Colleagues are not an option as my boss has a strict policy on tears - they aren't allowed.

[Playing1]

Sounds like you're having a hard time.

As difficult as it is now, I'm thinking this 'shunning' of you, that your sister is doing, will hopefully only be temporary.

From what you've said the real issue with her isn't you. Would you be comfortable letting her know you care about her maybe? And, I'm not sure of the situation, but telling her that you have no intention of deliberately upsetting her? And maybe let her know you're there if she needs you.

I'm entirely unsure if that's appropriate! But just a suggestion.

I think when you're feeling like this, it brings to the surface, and maybe amplifies, other areas of your life that you're unhappy with.

Are you getting any counselling?

Whether the issues with your mother were years ago, or not, the grieving of a relationship never goes away in my opinion and experience. Especially when it's your mother's.

I think it really has affected my resiliency with anything at work, or sometimes at home. I haven't been treating myself well with my mental health though. I should still see a counsellor, but don't. I also feel lonely with only my partner and a good friend really.

I've had small scale worries with food. The best thing I've done is to think "I don't deserve what I'm doing to myself", "I'm healthier than this", "what on earth am I doing?".

That helps set my mind on the right track, for whatever food approach is best... e.g at the moment I am eating little and often, and dinner portions are not oversized. When you find you're still hungry, what I do is keep some nuts on me (haha - nuts...! Anyways...), and some fruit bars.

I also take in a tin of tuna to work with me, with one of those self-opening lids, as I'm always busy at work... With a handful of lettuce, tomatoes, bananas, apple, and a satsuma or two. Don't know if that would work fo you, but just some ideas.

Take care and look after yourself, you deserve your attention.

C

[Hidden]

Hi Suzie

Oh it does sound as if you are having a hard time of it. I wrote you a lovely long reply a few days ago and as I was downloading it my computer crashed and has been doing so repeatedly so I'm only just back onling and with new keyboard, mouse, etc - the computer cleaned back to factory so all new downloads and everything had to be reinstalled, and a cost of £200 so I'm not up to reading the blog again but will do so as soon as I'm back in the swing of things.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Suex