one hpothetical idea changed my life to hell

[maan87079]

sir , one day my friends says that on shivratri we will drink bhaang , okey i was agree and say yes . on 10 march 2013 i had i glaas og bhang ..bt after half an our i started to expreince its effect . as i m very sensitive person i dont know wts happeng and i afraid and called my friend he said tht u should sleep now everything will be fine. i dont know automaticaly my mind related that effect to the movie i had seen inception ...i was feeling that i am not in the real world ..next day when i was travelling through bus ...my mind said me that whether i a on bus or i m at home i doubted this thing ,, i dont know wt was that ...i reached colg and my frnds encourged me and give me support that every thing wil be fine in a day ...and i dont take tension afterwards i was fine and enjoying my life toooo the most as i m bright student every respects me and we had a lot lot lot lot lot of fun together wid my friends .. i was very naughty and i was seriuos in studies as well ....evry thing was fine my life was awusm .....bt 1 day that black day 8 april that changed my everything had taken my everything....i wil tell u wt happened that day ....i woke up in the morning brushed and dressed up for the colg very excitedly ,..in the 3 lecture i was sitting wid my friends ...and suddenly that idea or u can say that doubt that whether i m in colg or at home .......i m feared completely i dont know wt happen to me i started thinking in a different manner ...i thoght the things r getting slow and my mind did ol the work in it ...and i started to flow with my mind ...i was very much feared and started thinking that wt happened to me , whether i would be the enjoyable man ....days passed , months passed , i was topper of my claas ...my concentration power had reduced to extent that i can not sit for 5 mintes , my heart starting to say to drink water ,,,,..earlier my sitting was 10 hours and helped others to study ..exams came and i just passed wid 35 percentage and everybody was asking and saying me that wt happened ...and i told them the problm some of them laughed at me ....some started showing sympothy ...and 1 more thing i cannot wore my specs now becoz that doubt olwayz remain in mind ...and the things which i used to do very excitedly like watching movies, playing, teasing friends , stdying, caring for the peoples who weak in studies ...i was very caring ...i lived in a hostel ...and in exams time every body used to come to me help and i feel very good .....i had awsumm hold sqare infinty life ...and know i suicidal thinking .....everyday i think about this . in between time i had a days in exams in which i could not able to sleep for 4 days not a single mint .....and 1 day suidal thinking was very very high on me .....now i think a begger is better than me at leat he sleep a tension free life .......earlier i was very very energtic in my activities and i was adventourous ....my dream was to become indian army officer .....bt know i dont feell that thing .....i feared from crowed places and night .........earleir wen i used to went to some historical or enjoyable i used to click a lot photos ....i remember last year we had gone to a trip with my frnd i had clicked more tah 3000 photos .....evry used to say ,,,u click only pics .....i was very enjoyable ...i olways want to know people and want be their frnd ....i was very frndly wid girls ......1 girl used to say me brothr .....since i m diong b.tech .. 2 have been past and 2 year r left ....earlier i used to think that these 2 year wil go like a minute bt now evry minute is like a huge year for me ...the girls which used to seek help from me r not picking my phone .... i think that i m 1st and last stupid who think like this ...that i doubted and feared from idea that my mind generated ... i can not blame any one ...i had consulted a psycatrist , he did the 2 test ..and said that harmone deficency and said me that i wil be absolutely fine within 2 week and give me medicines .....bt i dont think that i will be that man ever that i used to be ........at the results day wen i saw my marks .....and the students who used to study from me are very happy .....and i was literraly in crying in the boys toilet .....when i saw the people around me whether rich or poor .......whether ricshaw puller or a tea staller ,,,,,they ol r happier than me ...and i had this doubt olways in mind i could not even understand the things now ....i wanna give a example : earlier when i was walking on the road on the way to colg i used to revise the things from boook whole concentratly without thinking that how i can read and walk simoultaneosly ...... earlier wen i used to see a movies a take full enjoyment and interst bt now i dont wanna go out side and dont wanna see movies dont wanna to tal to my friends ,,,,,,.....some times i blame my that friend and sometimes i blame myself that wt the hell i had done wid mee ......plz sir dont give mee fake advice that i will be okey plz if someone can help me out to get me in normal life .....i wil be very thankful to that for my whole life ....earleir i was very excited towards girls ....as i dont had any girl friend ever so i had planned that wen i i was go to my 2months traing i wil make i was very excited guy..bt now i feel that i m nothing ...y should i waste the girl life ...i had thinked that if i wil remain as this for my whole life then i will not marry ....y to waste 1 more life if i m not able to get me happpy den how can i spoil that lucky girl life......earlier i used to think that i wil bought this car and that ........earlier i feel very happy to help other ...and i olways demand to my god that i can help others ........my father is in army ...i belong to low middle class family..and i m punjabi with hair cut .....my house not to good ....earlier i had dream that after 2 years i wil gift a bullet to my father and i wil rebuilt my home .....bt now cried humbly think fr it becouse i have become zero from hero .......earlier i had to take a sleep after getting my whole syllabus done completely....i feel so confident and energtic .....i spent 15 mint in front of mirror that whether i m looking good or not ......i olways say my frnds to help me to ake up early and study ....bt i cannot able to study .........and litterly thinking to die den i think of my mom that wt will happen to them .........i dont want to waste my parents money as we r not so rich ..i have 1 brother that is in 12 ......my mom really loves meee .......earlier i uesd to angry on my friends on valid reasons ...bt now i m not angry at ol ....i feeelll very very low esteemed ...........earleir i had my own style of living and enjoying .......i olways used to say my friends that i want this colg never ends ........bt evry thing is chnged ......i have lost my value and respect ...now poeple dont undrstand my prob they jus say that i things wil be fine ......and olways asked wen wil be the thing be fine ..............when i will be dead .....plz help me sir ........plz telll me this is the curse of my prvious deeds or this is my self gnerated problem ...........i had cried continously for 1 month and my left eye no. has increased .......my life has become hellllll ...................plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ......................sir help .............

[Playing1]

Hi maan87079,

This must be really hard for you. I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

It's actually really good you have 'reached out' by making this blog post. It gives us the opportunity to help, at least a little.

I have a few questions, sorry for the huge amount!

Have you finished the medication the psychiatrist gave you?

Is it expensive to see him / her again?

If some medication doesn't work (which does happen), it often takes a few tries to get it right for you...

Do you have a friend who you can talk to?

Does your Mum know you feel like this? If she can help you and support you, this might make things a bit easier for you.

Also, how long have you felt like this?

Take care, and hope to hear from you soon,

C

[maan87079 in reply to Playing1]

mam , i m also confused that wts giong wid meee ,,,,yeah i had consulted psycatrist he said i wil be fine within 2 weeks ....i have consumed medicine for 10 days bt i think nothing much happened to me ....today i went to garden , i was not gion my friend insist me to go and i went ...thier i was wathching boys and girls enjoying sitting together , i was watching childrens r playing , i was watching old people are diong their regular walk and they all r happy .......becoz they dont have the doubt or tension 24 hour ...i think that the idea i had thinked is not thinked by any one on dis planet ,,,,,sometimes i feel like i m worthless and i cnnot fulfill my parents dream ...i should die ......yes i have my very good friends and had talked wid last night ...bt he said you have to fight against it .......mam i wnt to give you an example wen earlier i saw a well furnished house i felt very happy that internal feeling comes that 1 day i will olso have like dis home ...becoz i know i had confidence in me ......mam bt know wen i m living in awsm awsm awsm home my uncle home ..my uncle is in forien ....and i m living here for 1 month for my training bt that filling didnt come i dont know y .....wen i woke early in the morning ...earlier i do brush and bathing very fastly bt now i feel like to be on bed only and i feel weak .......mam as i had told earlier that i cannot able to wear specs becoz after wearing specs i started having that doubt that i really here or i m some where there ..........mam no body is understanding my feeling every body is motivating mee .....yes i got motivated bt for the very smaal extent .....mam earlir i had a lot of plaans that i had made ......bt know i dont think so i could able complete my degreee ......my respect has been gone .....mam every day i felt guilty that why i had consumed that bhaang ....den second time my mind says that it is not happend from bahng ...it happend wid the idea my mind linked with the idea of inception picture ...mam plzz if u have not seen inception plzz watch it i hope u will under stand better .......mam my life is on worst track ....today is 9 june its been 2 months i have been suffering .....i had told my parents regarding dis they r concerned ...my mom is an illiterate they olways take tension .......mam my claas mates used to say me charminnng boy of the colg ......my purpose was to tease girls and laughing ........and i never thinked that i m enjoying ...a internal feeling automatically comes ....everybody loves mee ........i dont like to have girl friend ...i wanted that i should have a lot of friends with them i can enjoy my colg life .........bt know i saw that evry people ...its child, young , old evrybody is normal and enjoying life ......where we used to drink tea after collge ....i feel he is better than me ...at least he dont like dis ...........i m the stupid stupid stupid person on dis planet ...and i think my parents r the unluckiest to have me as son .......mam plzzzzzzz i m begging in front of you plzzzzz i m on kneeessss ...plzzzz tell meee how can i be become earlier enjoyable naghty person .........yesterday i was late in the claas my teacher scolded me for it ....and wen i was having lunch i was get so emotional that i cried too tooo much .........that earlier i had a lot of proirity whether in claas or in outer environment .....mam evry thing which i saw i cannot feel like earlier ........example : a 2 year old child can open the door by pushing it bt my mind think that is that door is really there ....this is my suititation ...........might be u would not understand or would considerd mee mad ...bt i m not mad mam ......i olways respects girls and others .........earlier i had criusity to learn new things ......i concentrate on single single things .....and i never think how i m able to concentrate its a god gift that evry person can concentrate on his work .....bt know i cant able to do it plzzzz maammm .....help meee save meee save my family .......save my cute and sweetest mom on this planet ...........

[maan87079 in reply to maan87079]

maam plz reply .........

[maan87079 in reply to maan87079]

mam one more thing that sometimes i think that i should have laser operation for my eyes ...den i doubted wil i be ok completely .....mam wen i saw old people wearing specs den i feel that if they r wearng den wt the helll wid you ......ma earlier i had worred specs for threee monnths and nothing happend ......this idea which does not exist made my life hell ........mam tell me is it my mistake ...plzz maam ....

[Playing1 in reply to maan87079]

Oh maan I'm so sorry to hear this.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you better.

Please go back to the psychiatrist. Please let him know how severe this is for you. Take the messages you have written here, and show him.

And ask him if there is something he can do *now* to help. I don't think you are coping.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You cannot expect yourself to operate / live normally when you feel like this.

I know someone who is a psychiatrist herself. It's her opinion (an opinion only, we are not meant to try to diagnose people on here), that you should visit the psychiatrist again, and that you deserve to help yourself.

What you're feeling could be because of so many reasons. I told her of your disjointed 'thought stream' and perhaps misguided thoughts (the specs, etc). (sorry for this 'judgment' of how you are, we could be wrong)

Anyway I am worried for you.

Please explain what you have written here to your psychiatrist.

I am sure you will come out of this, this is a temporary period of suffering. I am sure you will become a confident person, who can achieve and be happy. Just now is not the right time to worry about that. Please don't worry about these things. You will be better.

Please let me know how the psychiatrist goes.

I am not on here all the time, so I won't be able to give you an instant response.

All I can do in this forum is 'listen', and offer some comfort for you when I can log into here. The help you need is with a professional, but I want to know how you are, and how it goes with the psychiatrist.

Please make the appointment.

Take care 'maan', and stay in touch,

C

[maan87079 in reply to Playing1]

mam plzzzz be in touch wid meeee ..... i dont know whether i wil be the same maan that was naugty and studious ....and excited ....if any miracle happened and i would be fine completely i want to meet you in my life .....i promise .....maam thanx maam ..........i wil talk and show dis messages to psycatrist .....verrry sooon ....thanx mam .....i m only 21 and i had plans to enjoy my life complety ....bt ..?........maam i m only person on dis world who is suffering from dis ....becoz maam i think mad people r far better than at least they dont know anything .................maam i dont know how to takle .......how can be i touch wid u maam ...

[Playing1 in reply to maan87079]

Hi 'maan'

I'm glad to hear you are going to take this to your psychiatrist. Let me know what happens.

It might also be a good idea to see a counsellor, if you can find someone. They should be able to help too. You might be able to find free ones maybe?

Also, it's appropriate to just stay in touch here.

And yes, I think mad people are far better! I think we let ourselves think outside of convention! Some of the smartest people have had mental health issues... I must be Einstein!

Take care and stay in touch,

C

[Suzie40]

It's a little unclear in your blog whether the 'one day' you refer to is the day you took cannabis, or what happened on the 8th April.

I'm not a Hindu, but I kind of believe in Karma. Personally I don't think how you are feeling has been caused by your 'previous deed' of drinking bhang. Very good people and very bad people experiment with drugs.

I suspect that what's going in now is related more to the incredibly high standards you have set yourself and the fear of not being able to live up to your parents' expectations.

You speak of ricshaw pullers feeling happier than you. Your perceptions of a peron's status and how happy they are entitled to feel is interesting. Do you feel that only people need to achieve middle class jobs to feel satisfied?

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your parents about what is going on and how you are feeling. Is there an option to resit your college exams?

[maan87079 in reply to Suzie40]

sorry mam i dont understand much .......sorry maam ...maam no there is not any rule to resit my exam .....mam i was toppper and i become drooper .....this thing pinches me to hellllll

[maan87079]

I know this is terrible feeling,do continue medicines prescribed to you,it takes six weeks for the treatment to be fully effective,consult again if you feel