Again….

[Starr88]

I have been going through major depression and traumatic flashbacks lately and I just wanted to vent here today… I have been trying to get some help, I need intense therapy, I have been trying for weeks to find a psychologist and they are either booked out for months and never call back or they are not accepting new patients, even where I get my meds, I have called 5 times with no reply I even WENT IN THERE and all the girl said is that she would get back to me, well she hasn’t! I have a therapist now but it’s more like just venting to so I’m looking for a psychologist again to do testing and homework, I feel I’m going backwards rapidly. Years ago I was diagnosed with bi polar as well, yet I never wanted to believe I had it, because there is still a major stigma to that unfortunately, I can admit I have major depression, major anxiety, ptsd, adhd but when it comes to bi polar I fight against it, because I have been diagnosed yet some therapists disagree, and with bi polar the symptoms mirror a lot of my other diagnosis, I used to have manic episodes but never major, I get in the phases of rapid speech, and always have racing thoughts, and have this continuous war that pulls inside of me where one day I think I can do what my dreams are, but then within days I’m right back to this major depression, so i definitely have mood fluctuations most the time I have stressors that start it, but sometimes it just comes over me, and to be quite honest there are only two reasons I haven’t left this earth, one is that I have had pets either cats or dogs most of my life and would never leave them, second I do beyond a higher power for me it is God, I don’t believe in church really but I do believe in God so if I took my own life would I be in A worse place than I am now?

I have come so far with self awareness, inner child work, and helping others yet this past week showed me I’m not as far as I thought, I will get better because this has happened all of my life, yet I’m so exhausted of fighting for just peace and focus, it’s amazing how people who don’t understand take that for granted. I have been on pretty much all anti depressants, anti psychotics, but none seem to work for me, I guess I’m in that small percent of people, but to be honest I don’t want to take medication I really don’t so that’s another constant battle within myself, the strange thing is I can go for months without any episodes at all, that’s when I’m so proud of myself and think I can take on the world, then something happens, and then something else, and I wind up back in this familiar darkness that I can never quite be rid of and it wins once again, as it always has my whole life, this is again how I know I have mental illness, a lot of it stems from major trauma I have experienced throughout my life and if I let my mind go it feels as though I have a curse on me, some people believe in reincarnation ( myself I couldn’t say because I do not believe either way at this point) but if there is such a thing I must have been a horrible person in a lifetime that I am still being punished for, and I say this not as being delusional, it’s the weirdest things happen all the time to me my whole life that are just not explainable. I could write for hours about things but there is no need, I try and be grateful for what I have because at least I have a roof over my head ( if my brother didn’t die last year I wouldn’t ) but dealing with grief is also been a major struggle, and I am alone in the area I live, but on the flip side I do not try either to have friends or a significant other because every single person in my lifetime YES EVERY SINGLE ONE has betrayed me ( except for my therapist I have been talking to for 5 years) but again that is a therapist relationship she has saved my life and I will always be grateful, but it’s not a friend I could call when I need to talk, or go out with.

I don’t know that’s about it for me at this time, if you made it this far thanks for reading, I just had to vent in a space that I know others understand because unless you go through it you have no idea how hard it is just to make it day to day.

[Stacy_K]

Hey..

I know how it is to be betrayed, lots of my friends just put their problems on me. I don’t know how to make friends. But I know I am a loyal and loving friend. I would love to be friend to you. You can talk to me about anything, I’ll try my best to support you.

I might not understand some things you’ve been through and I’m sorry for all your pain and lost, but it’s great you shared that. How about reminding each other to take meds?

You’re not alone. World is a cruel place. They say “God gives his toughest battles to the best of his soldiers”. Im tired of fighting too. But we can make a battalion.

[Starr88 in reply to Stacy_K]

Thank you Stacy, see I told you I know where your coming from, we all have our own things might not be exact but it all falls under the same “umbrella “ I’m glad we connected today and I would love for us to be our support system, it’s very important.

It’s crazy because when I’m working I have been able to hide my issues so well, but deep down I’m screaming and like this whole week has been so horrible, but today with chatting with you and helping you know that you are never alone helped me as well😁 so yes let’s keep in touch, I think I’m going to start other meds once again, I am goi g to switch my meds doctor because he is only for the money and I have no trust in him what’s so ever, so I have another appointment next month with a new one, there’s all the same it’s so hard to find one that I have a good connection with because I want someone with lives experience not just being smart and going to college, but a lot of therapist I have found get into this industry because of their own story just hard to find, but just like my talk therapist that’s what she’s about , she has come through alot and she is the only one I trust, I also have MAJOR trust issues due to my past traumas but I have to tell myself there are good people out there again it’s just finding them, but look today we found each other so that’s a cool start!

[Stacy_K in reply to Starr88]

I’m glad you trying another doctor, I understand how hard is to trust them. I have same problem, my current doctor is making me doubt everything even more. Once she told me “You planing to kill yourself that way, but what if it won’t work out?” and “What is a point of going on therapy, if you are so hopeless”. I also got appointment with new one next month.

I also understand how it’s hard to hide all of this. I feel so lost inside, I can’t understand what I actually feel, what I like, what I want. I’ve always pretended someone else to please people, because I believed they won’t like the real me. And now she is lost. I’m happy we can be ourselves here.

I am always here for you now. Keep fighting.