I have been going through major depression and traumatic flashbacks lately and I just wanted to vent here today… I have been trying to get some help, I need intense therapy, I have been trying for weeks to find a psychologist and they are either booked out for months and never call back or they are not accepting new patients, even where I get my meds, I have called 5 times with no reply I even WENT IN THERE and all the girl said is that she would get back to me, well she hasn’t! I have a therapist now but it’s more like just venting to so I’m looking for a psychologist again to do testing and homework, I feel I’m going backwards rapidly. Years ago I was diagnosed with bi polar as well, yet I never wanted to believe I had it, because there is still a major stigma to that unfortunately, I can admit I have major depression, major anxiety, ptsd, adhd but when it comes to bi polar I fight against it, because I have been diagnosed yet some therapists disagree, and with bi polar the symptoms mirror a lot of my other diagnosis, I used to have manic episodes but never major, I get in the phases of rapid speech, and always have racing thoughts, and have this continuous war that pulls inside of me where one day I think I can do what my dreams are, but then within days I’m right back to this major depression, so i definitely have mood fluctuations most the time I have stressors that start it, but sometimes it just comes over me, and to be quite honest there are only two reasons I haven’t left this earth, one is that I have had pets either cats or dogs most of my life and would never leave them, second I do beyond a higher power for me it is God, I don’t believe in church really but I do believe in God so if I took my own life would I be in A worse place than I am now?
I have come so far with self awareness, inner child work, and helping others yet this past week showed me I’m not as far as I thought, I will get better because this has happened all of my life, yet I’m so exhausted of fighting for just peace and focus, it’s amazing how people who don’t understand take that for granted. I have been on pretty much all anti depressants, anti psychotics, but none seem to work for me, I guess I’m in that small percent of people, but to be honest I don’t want to take medication I really don’t so that’s another constant battle within myself, the strange thing is I can go for months without any episodes at all, that’s when I’m so proud of myself and think I can take on the world, then something happens, and then something else, and I wind up back in this familiar darkness that I can never quite be rid of and it wins once again, as it always has my whole life, this is again how I know I have mental illness, a lot of it stems from major trauma I have experienced throughout my life and if I let my mind go it feels as though I have a curse on me, some people believe in reincarnation ( myself I couldn’t say because I do not believe either way at this point) but if there is such a thing I must have been a horrible person in a lifetime that I am still being punished for, and I say this not as being delusional, it’s the weirdest things happen all the time to me my whole life that are just not explainable. I could write for hours about things but there is no need, I try and be grateful for what I have because at least I have a roof over my head ( if my brother didn’t die last year I wouldn’t ) but dealing with grief is also been a major struggle, and I am alone in the area I live, but on the flip side I do not try either to have friends or a significant other because every single person in my lifetime YES EVERY SINGLE ONE has betrayed me ( except for my therapist I have been talking to for 5 years) but again that is a therapist relationship she has saved my life and I will always be grateful, but it’s not a friend I could call when I need to talk, or go out with.
I don’t know that’s about it for me at this time, if you made it this far thanks for reading, I just had to vent in a space that I know others understand because unless you go through it you have no idea how hard it is just to make it day to day.