I can no longer reach out

[CroutonBehavior]

I'm done talking I hope. I don't want to come back here or try to explain myself ever again. People mean well but they say things I already know or they suggest things that I feel like I can't do. I haven't been able to do anything since January. I've been so bad for seven months and I'm done. No matter what I say about how I'm feeling no one understands. I just want people to understand because then they'd be able to make suggestions that don't feel like telling a person with no legs to run.

I can't make myself move half the time and I can't make myself want anything. I really need help and I'm not asking anyone here for it. I've been asking people in real life and I can't do it anymore. I can't keep trying to find ways to get just a shred of understanding or help. I think I'm on my own as sick as I am and I really don't think I can trust myself. I can't go to the hospital because no one would help me get there or support me when I got out so there's no point and I have no everything on my own. I feel like I'm the only person in the world and logically I know I'm not. But my brain is broken and I can't think with somethiing that's just yelling nonsense 100% of the time.

I've been crying fairly loudly all day and now while I'm typing this. Our house has thin walls, I can hear my mom walking around and still no one checks on me. God doesn't hear me, my own mother doesn't hear me. I give up on all of this. I truly wholeheartedly hate whatever illness I have. It's taken away my entire life and I don't want to scratch and claw just to feel okay for a week if I'm lucky.

I don't know how to explain how it feels to feel and think that I'm hopeless but somehow know that there's a way out I just can't make myself take it. It's illogical because mental illness is illogical. I feel like I'm trying to operate with my soul and my brain won't react. I can't force my brain into any kind of regulation or normalcy. I'm sorry if I've just wasted people's time trying to understand and help me. I always come off like I can form a thought, how I write is completely removed from how I really feel.

[learning1234]

Just want to say I am so sorry to read this. I can completely relate to this state. Depression (co-morbid or not) is truly the most debilitating. Like how can we heal when the very tool is infected? I only see small pinpricks of possibility - for now, that'll have to do (I've felt similar to how you do before where even that was out of question).

May I ask how old you are now? I've also been depressed since around the same age you have.

[Roxywizardofoz]

I hear you loud and clear! I’m recovering from an attempted suicide and learned only that the solution is not external to us. I have no big aha moments to help you but I’m searching.

[bluejay67 in reply to Roxywizardofoz]

there is a lovely group that meets on Fridays 4pm Eastern on Zoom called Living with Suicide hosted by Kiva Centers. kivacenters.org/online-peer....

[RisingAgain]

I have good intentions when asking this, I promise cuz sometimes people just don't know what to do, what to say nor how to help...so we must do out best to communicate... what we need right now. With that being said...

CroutonBehavior (don't understand ur name) I hear that you are hurting very badly & I'm so sorry that you are having to endure this. Will you please help us to help you... & tell us what it is that would make it better, what do you need right now? Sometimes we just don't know how to communicate that. We are all different & process things differently... therefore I come from a desire to understand what it is that would give you the energy to climb out of that dark hole again. That way we could give that to you!

You will get thru this. It is temporary. You will get reprieve.

Angels all around you!!

[funnychocolate]

Sounds to me as you are doing too much mindf_ _ _ _ _ _ _ You keep trying to analyze yourself. Listen up. You're here because you are like a lot of us who don't have the answers or, duh, we wouldn't be on this crazy site either. Have you not heard or maybe you need to tune in to what must of us say. In summary, we're stuck, we feel alone, we feel helpless, we've tried medications, shrinks, listening to God, etc. and we are STILL no better. Don't listen to what others suggests or you will keep saying no one can help me, and maybe no one can help you. So either leave the site or be like the rest of us and just stay around.

[skbro]

I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been depressed since past 8 years. This was the most crucial period of my life. Couldn't get into good college, good career now i am searching for job bit i fear i wont get job whereas all my friends have left me behind in every aspect of life. But i am gonna fight this and i hope you will do it as well.