having a bad episode today

[CroutonBehavior]

Today I woke up feeling completely helpless and frustrated. Every day feels the same and every time I wake up I feel an awful sense of dread. I went to my mom and she completely ignored me, I waited for several seconds for her to say something because I was crying for help and nothing. So it escalted into an argument and even when I could get myself to a place of calm communication, she would flat-out ignore me and eventually she left the house. Suddenly the errands she'd put off for days became top priority and she left me here alone.

I had a meltdown for roughly five hours straight. I texted my friend to see if she could understand me and she started throwing reccomendations at me. I told her I wanted her to just listen to me and meet me where I was at. She eventually said she can't help a person who doesn't want help and says that we're adults now, no one is coming to save me so I have to save myself.

I'm not completely denying that but I don't think I'm in a place to hear that. I ended up blocking her and freaking out some more. I tried to pray but it feels like the line has been cut. I can't hear anything and whoever I pray to doesn't hear me. I try to think about getting better but I mentally can't concentrate on it long enough to take action. I've just been sitting here spinning out and nothing anyone says can change it.

I don't have the strength to admit myself again and no one in my life would help me get there anyway. Every time I think about calling a hotline again I just feel hopeless because of all the times it's made me feel even less heard and even more alone.

People keep trying to guide me into doing something but I'm overly aware of what my options are. I still don't see any point in doing it. Yes I'm in pain and some part of me doesn't want to be in pain anymore but I find it impossible to go forward without support or reasons. I don't have support, I could have it in the future but that's useless to me right now. I don't have any reasons to fight for myself because fighting for myself doesn't sound good enough when I'm depressed and I don't have a purpose right now. I could find a purpose but I have no will to find one.

[CookiePesto]

I can completely relate to everything you said. I have found that people who aren't experiencing these thoughts and emotions just don't understand. My mother can also find every excuse possible to not be available if I need her. It can be so frustrating having these helpless feelings and feel like no one is there. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and be there. I get it. I've been experiencing the same things, but it has been exceptionally hard lately

[learning1234 in reply to CookiePesto]

I agree. People who have been through debilitating mental states can relate and understand; others find it very hard/impossible. Even for me it's so easy to recommend jumping into action for somebody else. But when I'm in the thick of it? Feels impossible.

My only recommendation CroutonBehavior is to describe the emotions your feeling as specific bodily sensations, repeatedly. That has helped me process some. They may keep coming back, that's okay. Depression means either reprocessing or not feeling the emotion at which point very basic grounding/orienting (box breathing, tapping opposite knees and shoulders, etc.) is all we can manage (sometimes not even that and just laying down, which is also okay for now).

[Hidden]

Depression makes us feel like everything is hopeless and there is no point in doing anything. Your support system should include at least 5 people. Each of these people should have a different set of skills. It sounds to me like you need a friend who is a good listener and doesn't offer suggestions. People who offer suggestions do so because they care about you and that is their way of showing that they care.

God does hear your prayers and He does care for you.

Depression also makes us irritable. Neither your mother nor your friend was any help because you were irritable.

Your reason for going forward should be to create a life that you enjoy. You should want to go forward in order to have peace. You say that you know what your options are so chose the option that is best for you. No one else needs to be involved in that decision.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Hidden]

I'm too depressed to want a life that I enjoy and that really doesn't push me forward at all. I know that the longer I stay still the harder things get but it's already so hard that I would rather not get better at all. But I'm also too scared to do anything so I feel like the only option I'm capable of is getting worse. I'm so incapable of thinking and making decisions and taking care of myself that another person, a person who can help me differentiate what's depression and what's really me would be vital at this point. But I have no one like that and I can't make myself go to the hospital.