Feeling the pressure

[ziggypiggy]

Long term sufferer of depression and anxiety here. I have tried all the usual suspects for treatment. As the years add up the pressure I feel to "get better" or recover, to a state of being somewhat consistantly functional, has become very burdensome. It has me wondering what are the true odds I face in turning things around?I see severe mental health journeys basically falling into three categories.

1. The individual recovers enough that they can be considered "over" their disabilty.

2. The individual decides to end their life.

3. The individual continues to suffer from severe mental health throughout their lives (with ebbs and flows) despite their best effort at therapy and medical treatment.

I'm not sure what percentages I would apply to these three outcomes. But, I feel that outcome number one would be a low percentage. Yet of course, on the flip side, it's 100% the outcome everyone is striving for.

The disparity between the two is where I'm feeling the pressure. The success stories are presented to us in such a way that suggest, if one just applies themselves and puts in the work, that they too can recover. This Brain Elasticity approach seems to be the hot topic at the moment. Simply put, your brain can be rewired so that your mental health is no longer dibilitating. Easy right? When I research Brain Elasticity for major depression I understand the theory and science behind it. What I can't find is a neoroscientist or psychiatrist being forthright on the odds of success, a realistic time frame and the tools one needs. I receive therapy once a week for one hour. For a portion of that hour we do the work of talking about alternative ways of thinking and how to reframe the negative narrative. Then I'm out the door on my own. It's an awful big onus for the patient to then treat themselves.

I feel the pressure to get better ever day. The shame I feel when things aren't getting better often becomes unbearable. I feel like I would be letting everyone and myself down if I accepted that I don't think things will change much in the future based on past.

After several decades, I'm over hearing that things will get better, just hang in there.

No one really wants to hear about non success stories even though I fear it's the majority. Everyone wants a happy ending to the story. I guess I'm not a good writer.

[Sunrisetabby]

Ziggypiggy, my one two cents is that we are all just telling stories, but our own stories are tied into the large societal narrative. Tracy Chapman clearly resonates with a diverse set, ala Luke Combs and Fast Car, although I have always liked the lyrics in her song Telling Stories: "There is fiction in the space between. The lines on your page of memories.Write it down but it doesn't mean. You're not just telling stories."

Dr. Tom Catena is an interesting character, a missionary doctor in Sudan. Anyways, in a lot of the most severe and destitute places there is almost no depression, at least that's what a number of people have posited. Catena's interview with Dr. Peter Attia is with a listen: peterattiamd.com/tomcatena/ skipping to 2:07 will get you right there.

Similarly, what do you think of this quote: Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986) said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society".

All three of your options were about the individual, but I think the story is just as much, if not more so, about society and their group or tribe or culture.

[Sunrisetabby in reply to Sunrisetabby]

I just relistened to the Tom Catena interview that I linked to above - might as well take my own medicine. Perhaps in part because another migrant to Sudan, Osama Bin Laden was mentioned, I kept asking myself whether Tom Catena was any better than Bin Laden? Both were/are on messianic quests to spread and share salvation. No, absolutely not for me is Catena as evil as Bin Laden, but why would supposedly free speech loving Americans want to censor the Letter to the American people? You write above about being tired of hearing that things will get better. Fair enough, but your perspective of things can absolutely change.

The band Vertical Horizon was blandly mediocre, but I remember listening to their song trying to find purpose at a concert: "And I know someday I might be looking around.Trying to find some purpose. Well purpose it can't be that hard to find

As long as I've got the windThe wind and your love to carry me."

I am in no means intending to say that Cat Stevens is Bin Laden, but I was also always confused by his transition to Yusef Islam and Islam. The Wind.

I listen to the wind

To the wind of my soul

Where I'll end up, well, I think

Only God really knows

I've sat upon the setting sun

But never, never, never, never

I never wanted water once

No never, never, never

[Sunrisetabby in reply to Sunrisetabby]

"You have to construct a story that is so orthogonal to the truth." Peter Attia in that podcast discussing the upbringing that would lead young men to not only believe that it was justified but actually a good thing to bomb hospitals and kill the wounded.

But, what if your own depression is a story that you constructed for yourself that is similarly orthogonal to the truth?

Kindly note that I am not trying to belittle your own suffering; instead the question above is something that I keep trying to ask myself. In many ways it is also not that dissimilar from the well esteemed and perhaps total fraudster who wrote that book Feeling Good where he discussed how all you have to do to end your depression is press the magic button. Why do y your press the button? Why can't I and so many of us not press that button? Argh.

[Excludite]

I was thinking about all outcomes today as hitting bottom. The pressure makes it worse. I don’t have a therapist. I mean what if I experience no progress. Then where do I go? What do I do? What is expected of me? How to end this misery?

[ziggypiggy in reply to Excludite]

Those are all good questions that I would ask a potential therapist on my first visit if I have to get a new one for some reason. I had to have a talk with my current therapist awhile back. I said I just need this to be a safe space where i can just vent and blubber without worrying about doing homework or checking off boxes. Since then in that respect I like therapy. Other than that, mental health is a lonely solitary journey. It's so unique from person to person.

[jnelson66]

youtu.be/SwZWsi1-4eM?si=hpV...(Not working as expected?)

[cashew78]

Hello, Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. I feel that pressure you describe too, and have for decades now. I wanted to ask a question; because you're looking for percentages of success or failure, is that a form of black and white thinking? I ask this because in my own life I had similar feelings until it occured to me that my Major Depressive Disorder is just that; a disorder. Like a physical disorder, but invisible. It took me a long time to get to a place where I could accept that I can manage things, and got away from thinking I'm either alright or completely unsalvageable as a person. Of course I'll never beat my depression, it's perfectly normal for a human being to get depressed, just like being happy or sad or ambitious or tired. And yes, it comes in waves like the seasons, as it would anyone in my end of Canada; Winter is $#@& depressing here! So I manage instead. When I the pressure you describe starts to overwhelm me, I know something, somewhere is out of place, which in turn allows me to better navigate the pressure... or at least not break down completely. I'm also sick of hearing, "it'll get better". The point for me is that it won't get better, it won't get worse, it'll just be. If it can just be, then I can find and focus on the better stuff, and manage the rest. Good luck, don't be hard on yourself for this; it ain't easy.

[ziggypiggy in reply to cashew78]

Black and white thinking runs strong in my psyche. Gray areas are hard for me and that's where most people operate. Thanks for tips.

[Cookie2217]

I can relate to what you're saying I suffer from major depression disorder and have suffered with this past out of depression for the past 4 years it has been the longest and most severe in my lifetime. My medication is no longer working either so I have to address that and get that dealt with but there's no happy pill that we can take that's instantaneously going to make us feel better either we just feel somewhat normal and are able to get out of bed instead of being debilitated. Last year I lost my job due to my depression and then I lost my home and now I live in my sister's basement so the only place to go is up from here because last year brought me to my knees. My husband and I are going to be moving to Florida in September however which is both exciting and scary leaving everyone and everything behind in New Jersey but it's only a 3-hour plane ride and I'm sure I'll be up once a year to visit most likely during the fall cuz I like the foliage which I will miss living in Florida. We do have family and friends in Florida as well to help with support and transition. I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life and we're going to buy a home so we're never in this predicament again. I find the morning the most nerve-racking for me just to get up and go is tough because no one really wants to go to work or loves their job so much that they just jump out of bed with smiles on their faces. That just isn't reality You know what I mean. Just like you hate hearing you'll get better hang in there I hate it when my sister says you need to get over the past because it's not that simple when you have childhood trauma. I did CBT therapy and Psychotherapy and general a lot which helped me to get those feelings out and off my chest so to speak it was hard but I wrote both of my parents letters for giving my mother for verbally emotionally and psychologically abusing me because she was an alcoholic and speaking from the bottom of a Scotch bottle and another letter to my father for physically abusing me when I was younger and not interjecting when my mother would be abusive because of her drinking towards me he just stood there and let it happen and went to bed and I was left on my own to deal with that shit. All that abuse did wonders for my self-esteem and I carried that into adulthood so now I have to rewire my brain if it's possible to allow myself to like myself enough so that I feel worthy and that I'm enough. I really hope that this is my last spell with depression because 4 years is just too long to be in a constant Darkness where all you want to do is sleep night and day and not be awake that's no way to live. This disease is so debilitating it sucks and you're right there's three ways you could recover completely which would be ideal you could end your life but believe me I tried three times and God only saved me the last time cuz I was 15 minutes away from death and I would have missed so much had I been successful or you deal with the ups and downs of major depressive disorder and medications not working anymore so you have to start from square one all over again which is very disheartening. So all of us here are trying to keep our head above water and rely on other suggestions and ideas to hopefully get some relief from the stabilitating disease so that we don't go out of our minds. Have you done anything that has worked for you in the past that you could share with me? As I said journaling helped me a lot and got my feelings out and I also practice meditation and slow breathing exercises when I'm feeling anxious. I hope those small suggestions help you in some way. Please let me know how you're doing wishing you peace and well-being.