I just got turned down for the second time for disability. "though you may be sad and forgetful"... SAD ?, SAD! REALLY- THE HOSPITALIZATIONS AND MAXIMUM DOSES OF MULTIPLE ANTIDEPRESSANTS, 21 ROUNDS OF OLD SCHOOL ELECTRO SHOCK THERAPY AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS = SAD! REALLY!
I can't remember large parts of my past. I can't stay focused on the moment. example I was taking a bath, turned put conditioner in my hand turned back and I didn't know what it was I sat there thinking maybe it was lotion, I smelled it and it smelled like lotion and looked like lotion. I put it on my leg and then thought, Why was I putting lotion on while I was still in the tub? Then I thought maybe It wasn't lotion. I got out of the tub dried off and noticed the bottle of conditioner with the cap open... oh. Did I or didn't I take my meds? Why am I in the living room with my sudsy toothbrush in one hand and my car keys in the other and my mouthful of toothpaste. I get lost in the small town I live in so I pull over and wait to see if I can figure it out, if not I use the map on my phone.
I talk to people and stop because I can't remember what I am talking about, am I just talking? I have to set alarms for everything I do- anything I am cooking I forget, microwave, stove, I burn stuff and have smelled smoke run to the kitchen to discover a pan of noodles is on fire! I burn Mac- n cheese. I have to set alarms at the time I am doing something or I will walk away and forget the oven is on, or the sprinkler is on, or I was in the middle of bringing groceries inside. Just writing that I remembered some things are still in the car from shopping on Thursday. I forget to eat and will sleepwalk and eat. This morning I woke up to a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my pillow and the jars left out. I just set an alarm to get the food out of the car. It is after 2:00 pm and I haven't eaten or taken my meds.
but HEY I AM JUST SAD AND FORGETFUL!
CALLED THE CRISIS LINE TWICE, JUST DISCONNECTED- called another one and was put on hold for awhile and told to leave a message. A message! I am freaking out! Can't stop crying and have to keep trying various crisis lines.
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Raggedy-Ann
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I'm not sure i caught all of that, because I myself am like that lately. But I'm amazed you could actually articulate that so well.That stuff is not usual for me, so I can afford to let it pass, but living in that all the time would kill me. My stuff is different thats killing me, bug I share your feeling of utter defeat..
I will tell you though it took me 3 times for disability, if that helps. Its been a long time, but I still feel now like I did then: that the process actually made me even worse.
Hang in, Raggedy Ann, hang in. you've got the strength to get through this.
I applied for disability and was flat turned down. Heart disease, but I don’t have one foot in the grave. If I had emphysema, I’d be guaranteed disability because it’s a terminal disease. Have you applied for ssi? You can be ill enough to not work, but you don’t have to be dying. It would be good to have someone help you with the paperwork.🍀
When I said it took 3 times, I was referring to SSDI, which I was eventually approved for. Ive unfortunately had to be on it (could get to return to work) and just turned 65, where it becomes social security retirement, same amount, no changes.If you don't have enough work credits like I did, you would have to apply for SSI. Its still disability, but because you didn't pay into the system with your work taxes, it comes from a different agency within government, because its more like charity. Because of the differences, ssdi and ssi have different rules and eligibility criteria.
Trust me, my suffering through that application process made me an,expert, lol.
I remember sitting outside after my power was turned off, and thinking: so do I camp? Is this what people do? So, I truly understand your fear.I do know that while you are in the application process, you qualify for GA, General Assistance. Every state has it, but its so minimal, its almost insulting. States are different on amounts and process. Do you know about it? What state?
I'm SO SORRY you're being put through the wringer!! I Don't know what to say. Your situation sounds very debilitating, to say the least!! Do you have a SSDI lawyer or representative or are you winging it on your own? I've heard that those that have a legal rep have a lot easier time being approved but once you try to do it without assistance, it gets MUCH more difficult to get approved.
I was rejected twice and won my case at the court hearing. It's important to go to the court hearing. The Government doesn't want to help you but the Judge can force them to give you disability. They have to pay you for the months you were rejected. In my case I got $10,000. That was fifteen years ago. I am still on disability.
Getting proper representation will GREATLY increase your odds of approval from what I've heard from those that have navigated the process. Good luck 🍀🤞
Raggedy-Ann I really understand what you're going through! That forgetfulness is part of the "fog" that is very often part of depression and/or PTSD. I know that reading that doesn't help, it just might give you a hint that you're ok and that your reactions are normal. These same things happen to me all the time and it makes me feel bad about myself. I heard someone say that "the only way out is through " and that in order to move forward we have to start accepting ourselves right where we are.
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Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder: I am proof that there is hope. 
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waves of sadness
Laying down on the job of being a better me.
