Am I Petty?

Am I petty? Seriously, if I am, I apologize, but here’s the thing:

Last year my husband and I were visiting my father-in-law in another state, after he had a heart attack. My mother-in-law died shortly after Scott and I were married. She had breast cancer and this was decades ago when more died then survived, and watching her go through it all broke my heart. Since then, my father-in-law married a widow 10 years younger than him. We thought Vicky was going to be good for Pop but soon learned better. Vicky can only talk about Vicky. All conversations must be about Vicky. Vicky is the center of the universe. Vicky was raised on a ranch in Wyoming, the oldest of 4 daughters, and I had imagined her emotionally strong and willing to roll up her sleeves and help. The opposite is true. She never lifts a finger, could care less what is going on with anyone else, etc.

So on this visit with Pop, I guess we were focusing too much on his recovery after his heart attack (Pop is in his 80’s), how he was feeling, and what his needs were. Suddenly Vicky pops off with ‘I had Lupus. I had it a few years ago and it lasted a few years’. I looked at her in confusion, then ignored her. I had never, ever said anything to her about what I was going through. She’d be the last person on earth that I would talk about any problems or concerns with.

After we left, I asked my husband Scott if he had ever mentioned what I was going through with his dad or Vicky. He admitted he had. I was still going through diagnosis and lab testing, I still am. I hadn’t even told our kids. I still don’t have a positive Lupus diagnosis, I’m still going through test upon test. They are calling it UCTD/Latent Lupus.

But why on earth did Vicky feel competitive about it? Honestly, when she said ‘I had Lupus’ I immediately knew she was lying. You don’t ‘had’ Lupus. You have Lupus. You don’t cure from it. It’s chronic! I know this woman’s need for attention is great, but honestly, that borders disrespect and cruelty. And I wasn’t even discussing it with her or looking for sympathy.

So, it happened again. My first of four daughter-in-laws has a mother who is, well, sorry, crazy. Years ago she told her family she retired early because of a heart attack (I’m not sure she had one so idk how she pulled this off, or if they’ve just been conditioned through the years to believe her cr*p) Anyway, she and her husband suddenly sold all their possessions and said they were moving half way cross the country; California to Colorado, but didn’t sell their home. It really was suddenly. Like, one weekend they got an itch and threw everything out on their lawn for sale. It was so strange. Pots and pans and dishes. TV’s, furniture. Everything!They were going to rent out their house. In the meantime, someone I know who works for the same employer, told me this mother-in-law wasn’t retired. She was on sick leave claiming young teenaged boys at the school she worked were trying to hit on her so badly, it caused too much stress and she was about to have a stroke, so she had to go on medical leave. Well, that would explain why she didn’t sell her home. You can’t be on medical leave and move out of state. That’s fraud. She kept her house to collect paychecks without alerting the school system. When her fraud became suspicious, they demoted her position and forced her back to work.

Next, a mutual friend of mine and this same daughter in law suddenly had a double mastectomy in her mid-40’s. This same mother of the daughter in law suddenly claimed breast cancer herself. I never noticed anything changing in her life style. My friend was on chemo a year and a half, had to take all that time off work, etc., lost her hair, etc., etc. But my daughter in law’s mom... nothing. After the ‘heart attack’ early retirement lie, I was suspicious. So, last winter my second oldest son, Austin, and this same daughter in law (my oldest son Dylan’s wife) were asking me what the doctors thought I had. So I explained that I had no diagnosis, so I didn’t know, but, that they were doing all these tests based on a suspicion of Lupus.

Last weekend my entire family was together (21 of us) plus this daughter in law’s family. Suddenly, this daughter in law tells me that now her mom has Lupus. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky. And whereas I have been going through testing for 4 years, the past year and a half based on the Lupus suspicion, and this woman, within months already has a Lupus diagnosis? Am I to believe her or is this more lying? Her daughter didn’t say anything when we discussed it last winter, but now suddenly her mother has Lupus? Last weekend her mother was eating everything we aren’t suppose to eat. Bread, cake, etc. I’ve never seen her rashes, it hasn’t affected her work.

I’m not trying to be judgmental. We all have to put up with the ‘but you don’t look sick.’ But, this is just suspicious based on previous behavior. So back to my original question, am I being petty? I mean, this is my life, not a competition! I haven’t asked for anyone’s sympathy nor have I sought attention. I put a smile on my face around others and only give quick answers when asked about it (except to my husband and to a friend in Orange County who has Lupus and is on chemo for it). I told my husband it hurts hugely to have these women think it’s competitive. They don’t know what we go through. The severe pain 24/7, if not in this spot, then in that one. Inflammation, stiffness, brain fog, rashes, itchy so bad I want to scratch through my skin to the bone. New problems coming up all the time. The weight gain, hair loss, teeth loss. On and on and on! I feel so pathetic, and ugly, and embarrassed by my appearance, I try to walk tall and act like I don’t care, but I do. It’s humiliating. The giving up all the activities I love. Missing out on so much and feeling I’m ruining my husband’s life too. Then to have these woman act like it’s a game is so insulting. Talk about rubbing salt in the open wound.

Am I being petty?

[Apricot100]

Hi, this situation sounds insane. I can fully understand how it is infuriating you and belittling your situation. Having had similar (Not with regard to my lupus, but with children - seems some people are highly 'competitive in that area too) my only advice is to mentally step away and care for yourself.

The situation is stressing you. That is not good for your health. Let these folk believe what they want but don't get drawn in. Smile but don't engage. Listen while the trip themselves up and then turn to genuine folk. Sadly it's not as easy to ignore family I know, but try and rise above this odd situation - it is not good for your health. I don't think you will ever understand their behaviour so don't try.

Sending hugs xx

[Hidden in reply to Apricot100]

Thank you Apricot, I agree about not engaging, and in taking the higher ground.

With Vicky, I just ignored it. I’ve bitten my tongue with that woman for so many things, so many times before that I’m surprised I have one left at all.

As far as my daughter in law’s mom, I had told my family years ago to keep me away from her. Not to place me in situations around her, also because she revealed a truly bad character long before. But this was a mutual grandson’s baptism, and there will be unavoidable situations like that. I even cleared her plate at lunch and served her cake (not knowing at the time that she supposedly has Lupus or I wouldn’t have thought to give her cake).

But yes, I smile, not a phony smile, but because I was raised to be polite, but I avoid contact when I can. Unfortunately for my husband, there are times we go from Cali to Utah to visit Pop, but I’ll stay behind at one of our children’s houses and not go with him if one of our kids can go with him.

My problem with biting my tongue, and I always do (I’m a peace maker not a fighter) is that then my husband has to listen to me gripe for days after. That’s why I decided to stay away from these women the best I can as much as possible. My husband says I ought to feel complimented because that is the depth of how much they want to be me (😆😆😆). But I know they are like this with everyone, not just me.

Some days I don’t even want to be me (☹️- j/k)

Thanks again for your reply! That’s one of the many nice things about this forum. I can voice, or ask things I wouldn’t to those around me😊 Have a wonderful day!

[Hidden]

No not petty. But it’s their problem not yours. By this I mean it’s your problem when you are forced into having encounters but this is something you need to adopt a personal policy of indifference towards just as Apricot says.

There are weird people out there with personality disorders and even munchausen’s. We all encounter them to a greater or lesser extent - even ok health forums such as this. EG I say I have Sjögren’s and someone comes on and posts a link to Sjögren’s as if to say: “why are you here then I have Lupus and Sjögren’s so my problems are worse than yours!”. I’ve been around HealthUnlocked communities for over 8 years now and have learnt valuable lessons I apply to many situations in my real life. Some people are very needy and will compete for the spotlight. It’s very sad for them as shoes they aren’t well in their minds I tell myself.

But it’s also aggravating when someone has a common acute problem or a problem that can potentially be cured and ours can’t. So I admit that sometimes I envy others with less rare, much better recognised conditions that will resolve of that are just affecting one part only ie not systemic. This small envy gives me insight into how it must feel if someone has a much bigger, fundamental envy.

Even on health forums and FB groups there is often a hierarchy of suffering. It sucks but I have learnt that there are some really odd people who use health forums, trolls etc. Luckily not encountered too many here on Lupus UK HU because it’s very well administrated - but then we know it can take a while for these characters to fully reveal themselves!

You have identified two such on the peripheries of your life. Just be sure to keep them there! en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fac...

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Twitchy, Idk why people are like that, and Sjögren’s has a lot of Lupus symptoms, and visa versa, so I think we are all in this together. Aren’t we here for support? And to support?

Men are competitive on the sporting field, but women are competitive (some) in all else. Men do their thing and are done, whereas some women find pleasure in tearing at the very soul of other women. 🤷🏻‍♀️ idk why. I don’t think it ever makes them happy, but I guess they haven’t figured that out yet, even as old as they are. (That wasn’t a catty comment, I just meant that with more life experience generally comes more wisdom.)

Thanks again.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I don’t know if it’s just a gender thing. I got really attacked last year on a Sjögren’s HU forum by an old retired male dr with RA and SS who didn’t like my querying the word of my doctors on a comic post. He was totally humourless and just attacked me! . I think I’ve had my fair share of bad men doctors although more bad women. And I’ve found people I’ve come to love as friends from both sexes from this community.

And we have old friends up north who are v right wing and the man comes out with truly obnoxious comments about how much I must be costing the NHS. Actually if it wasn’t for the overall hopelessness and incompetence of my local NHS i would cost next to nothing! I pointed out back to him that his 70 year old wife will cost the state considerably more by smoking like a chimney but it was water off a ducks back to him!

Re envy I’m guilty of envying people who have straight forward diseases and straight forwards diagnosis and who qualify for very effective treatment and are taken seriously by their families, friends, colleagues and doctors. Sadly though there aren’t too many of these people to envy on this LUK HU 🤷🏼‍♀️😉

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry. I don’t understand the UK health care system (I don’t really know anything about it) but I’m sorry that nasty doctor friend wasn’t wise enough to zip his lip! What on earth? Isn’t health care there for those who need it? You need it. And unlike his smoking wife, you didn’t provoke your disease. So if a plane falls from the sky, I feel for those hit by it, because, according to your friend, their injuries will cost others, therefore they should just be left where they are to wither in pain and die? UGH! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Well you said it! X

[Wrenmuzz in reply to Hidden]

Sorry, I have to pick up on the smoking crack. Such an easy target but smoke related illnesses cost less than obesity related, alcohol related and smokers taxes put more into the NHS than any other sector. No, I am not a smoker

[Hidden in reply to Wrenmuzz]

I guess, after watching my dad die (and suffer) because of smoking related things, and watching this sweet man go through what he did, I’m a bit sensitive to why anyone would volunteer to smoke in this day and age with so much info out there. My dad started when he was just 10 (back in the 1930’s) and not much info back then.

As far as tax dollars, etc., I’m ignorant to how things work in the UK. Our system is so much different and I don’t smoke so idk what the tax base for cigarettes here is, I have to admit.

I’m very sorry, I did not mean to offend anyone.

[Hidden in reply to Wrenmuzz]

Sorry, in rereading my post, I have to still stand by the fact that people with Lupus and other AI diseases didn’t (knowingly at least) do anything to cause their illness. Whereas smoking, regardless the cost, is something people choose, and in this day and age, surely know what the outcome likely will be if they choose that vice. I’m not out to hurt any feelings, and as I said, my dad died from smoking related illnesses, and I couldn’t have loved (still do) or respected anyone more (except maybe my husband, it’s a toss up. Pretty neck and neck) then my dad. I truly apologize for hurting any feelings, but I really do stand by my remarks. It’s what I believe.

[Hidden in reply to Wrenmuzz]

Hey I think that you are wrong to say it’s a “crack”? The comparison I was quoting was about the costs of rare autoimmune diseases compared to smoking - not relating to obesity, alcoholism or other.

In the context of this post my comment (not crack) only arose because I was told I must be costing the NHS and therefore the taxpayer, a great deal with my rare autoimmunity.

So I fought back with the point that his wife was probably going to cost a lot too one day soon and that in her case it will be self inflicted because society has made the risks associated with smoking abundantly clear through public health and she’s well off and could have weaned off with a lot of support. He made your exact point in reply but as they are both heavy drinkers and he is very large in girth I think the money his wife pays in cigarette tax is probably going to be more than offset.

And, although I don’t have the statistics at my disposal (perhaps you work in public health and do - in which case feel free to share), I don’t think obesity has a bigger impact on our physical health than smoking. Yes it may well cost the tax payer less or be mitigated by the tobacco tax. But smoking has all sorts of less well recognised consequences on society too which may not have been fully established in the bigger economic picture yet.

For instance, off top of my head, there is the cost to the environment of the heaters used to keep smokers warm outside pubs, the implications on the environment of disposal of cigarette butts, of manufacturing cigarettes, the costs to the environment of the tobacco industry globally. The more associated stigma the better from my perspective as my sons smoke and vape because it’s still quite cool and rebellious to their generation. As is getting “wasted”.

I feel sure that alcohol costs the tax payer more than either obesity or smoking combined - but let us not go there. Smoking and alcohol often go hand in hand anyway.

But actually I hate it when people compare obesity with smoking on any level.

There so many reasons why people become obese. It’s much harder to lose weight in our society than it is to quit smoking. The social implications that lead to obesity are much more complex and relate to economics, childhood trauma, poor education, poor underlying health, poor housing, poor diet, lack of access to better quality foods and lack of incentive to take regular exercise, medications such as steroids and antidepressants, selling off of school playing fields, bullying, poor mental health, poor coordination , poor everything - not least, poor genes.

And the associated stigma of obesity (since you cited it) fuels eating disorders and mental health problems so of course it costs the NHS more! Good, healthy, fresh food costs much much more than cheap, refined, processed, sugary foods so it’s very much a political issue.

Food banks are hardly handing out sugar free, organic foods - the quality is not the priority so it’s very possible to be on the brink of homelessness and still to be morbidly obese.

But anyway there was nothing lighthearted or superficial about the way this man’s unsought for comment made me feel. And this post is about how people’s behaviour makes us feel not about the health economics of comparing addiction to obesity or autoimmunity.

[Sekka in reply to Hidden]

Agree with your reply too Twitchytoes! Well said!

[Lizziequink]

No you are definitely not being petty. People who make you feel belittled like that don't warrant your attention. Focus on yourself (not always easy with irresponsible and thoughtless people like that, I know) but you are the important one in all of this. There are a lot of selfish people out there who just don't like other people taking the limelight away from them. Both my sons were dating. One was engaged when his fiancé was diagnosed with cancer. The girlfriend of the other was so unbelievably jealous of the attention she was getting it was heart-breaking and embarrassing to see, just so petty and with no compassion at all. So hang on in there, these people will get their just deserts at some point. I'm a great believer in 'what goes around, comes around'. Much love x

[Hidden in reply to Lizziequink]

Lizzie, thank you. I agree. But I’ve never even mentioned it to these people, so where’s the competition or attention? My husband knows, of course. My kids are aware, but I don’t talk about it with them unless they ask. I’ve had a few others ask (very few) because they can tell something’s up. I can’t lie, so I’ll talk about it with them. But I always stress that I’m being tested, but have no diagnosis for Lupus. I’ve not gotten into the whole UCTD with anyone but my husband, because that would be so hard for me to explain and them to understand. 🤣 I barely understand it myself, though I think I’m starting to wrap my mind around it a bit (what it is). One of my besties had a double mastectomy a couple of years ago in her mid-40’s. She finished chemo last July. Such an awful ordeal! Her youngest was 8 when she started this. I’ve never discussed it with her, though she knows I’m going through something. I just feel like she’s been through so very much and even though chemo is over, she still is dealing with the changes in her body and emotional stuff. She fought through everything like a BOSS, and I know she still needs my support and my ear on this. In other words, I have definitely not sought for anyone’s attention nor sympathy, so with these two women, this is 100% on them. My hands are clean!

As far as your daughter in law with cancer, I hope she’s ok now? How is she? My mom always said that when women get sick, men leave. Your son is awesome for loving her and sticking through it all. Some guys just can’t handle the idea of giving up anything, like time and activities, etc. But your son sounds like he understands love. My Dad was always a great care giver when any of us were sick. My husband is always there for me and keeps me laughing through anything. I truly hope she’s fine now. And the other girl friend? Maybe your son moved on and none of you have to deal with her naughtiness? I hope so, or that she’s grown and matured from that now?

[Lizziequink]

Hi again. I understand how you feel about not telling people. I prefer to keep my problems to myself and only tell people when it's absolutely necessary and the last thing I ever want is sympathy, just support & understanding which I get by the bucket load from my husband.

Tragically my son's fiancé passed away a year after her initial diagnosis at 26. He proposed following the diagnosis. He absolutely adored her. As far as the other girl went, my son ended it with her very soon after, realising that life is too short to stay with someone he didn't love, much to my relief. I have so much love and admiration for my sons but haven't said anything to them about my health issues. They don't live at home now so although I spend time with them a couple of times a week, I've managed to keep it from them.

Take care & keep strong x

[Hidden in reply to Lizziequink]

Oh wow! I am so terribly sorry to hear about your son’s fiancé. That’s so sad.

You and I sound quite a bit a like. All my best to you, and I’m glad you have a wonderful husband.☺️

[Lizziequink in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Just goes to show you never know what's round the next corner x

[Hidden in reply to Lizziequink]

Absolutely!

[damage]

No you are not being petty. I know how you feel.

I have been going through some of the same.

[Hidden in reply to damage]

Damage I am so sorry to hear that. It’s awful to know there are so many thoughtless people out there. Thank you and again, i’m sorry you’re going through this too.

[Hidden]

Hi am So sorry your having to be near someone who is causing you such physical and emotional pain. It sounds so stressful and no it’s not petty as having to be near people who you don’t like and whom you find irritating can be a huge deal. It robs you of joy and happiness and your constantly on edge having to be on guard against her that is just so exhausting. You must avoid as much contact as possible and stay out of her way. It’s like being in the presence of a physic vampire and she’s taking all your energy. Do you have someone that can block her meaning if she’s in your space could your husband or any friends call you away on any excuse just to remove her from your presence. Don’t underestimate the damage these people can do. I had a person like this in my life a Few years ago and she made me so unwell I had to take to my bed for days after each and every visit. I also wanted to ask your advice about the comment about people with lupus can’t eat the bread and cake as I am being investigated for lupus and it’s taking a long time to get an answer. It’s just that every symptom you mentioned I have and I find I have to avoid bread cakes biscuits et. I am so unwell and can’t eat anything without Having strange reactions and symptoms and was wondering if you have strange reactions to food too and what helped you. Have you seen a immunologist as they may be able to get answers for you. I have to see one later this month in a last minute effort to get an idea of what’s going on. Have been unwell for over forty years and still don’t have a clue what’s wrong with me. I don’t manage to get onto the site as much as I would like which is a shame as there are some lovely people here and they are so supportive. Have you tried getting copies of your medical records to look through to try and get some information that may help you. It’s so frustrating for you having to wait for answers especially when it’s taking years and years and still no diagnosis so I understand how you must be feeling. I hope you get answers soon and this person stays out of your way. Have a great weekend and hopefully the weather is good wherever you are as here in England is cold miserable and rainy. Take care. 😀

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hello Jeromicu, thank you for that kind reply. I stay away from these two women as much as possible. But Vicki is married to my 84 year old father in law and unless I don’t want to ever see him again, I just have to brace myself and bite the bullet. When we go to Utah (I live in Southern California anove San Diego and it’s going to get into the 90s Fahrenheit and beautiful out!) we have 3 of our 5 kids, two of our daughter-in-law’s and 3 (4 come December) of our 11 grandkids in Utah. If any of them are available to travel to my Father in law’s house with my husband Scott, I will pass on the visit. Sometimes I will drive up with him and have him drop me off somewhere else while he visits, but since my father in law’s heart attack two years ago, i don’t want to miss seeing him. I love him. I don’t want something to happen to him and regret not seeing him and letting him know that I love him. I really try to be super kind to Vicki when I am around. I offer doing small chores I know are hard for them, etc.

as far as my daughter in law’s mom, yes, my family knows to keep me as faaaaaar away from her as possible. But since we both are grandmothers to 3 wonderful boys, we cross paths at times. I just have to do my best.

As far as cakes and cookies, etc. when you have an autoimmune disease, any gluten is a threat to your system. It has something in it that your body mistakes as a threat and it sets off an attack. Gluten is in so much! You need to read labels on EVERYTHiNG! And ask when ordering out. I hate that. I don’t like to impose on anyone so eating out is a real trail for me, yet, Scott and I eat out several times a week. But anything made with flour, even whole wheat, multigrain, etc. And gluten is in a lot of other things. They use it as a filler in foods. So I try not to eat any orepacked meals at all. They are in lunch meats, licorice, other candies like gummy bears. Anything coated. Pastas. Etc., etc. Sooo, be careful! There are gluten free items now days. Check out if your grocery store has a section like that, or see if you have a Whole Foods or health foods store near by. Even then, read all the labels.

Also, there are other foods that are giant no-no’s! Like alfalfa sprouts. Little innocent alfalfa sprouts! There are all kinds of no-now but also some definites. Pineapple core is a great anti inflammatory. I’ve heard both ways on garlic. I heard it’s a no, and I’ve heard it’s a must. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Give up any cooking oil you use and switch to olive, coconut or avocado oil. Eat lots of wild caught salmon and shell fish. Sugar is a huge inflammatory. So try not to eat it. Don’t use artificial sugars either, as they are hard on your liver, and we need to protect all our organs more than most anyone.

So I’ve been to a nutritionist, my GP, an endocrinologist, allergist, dermatologist, and am on my second Rheumatologist. I found out I have 19 food allergies (mostly very common foods) and 5 environmental allergies. I have a special pillow casing over my feather pillow and travel with it everywhere. I look like such a dork carrying my pillow with me on planes. Like a toddler 😆.

There is a really great book (at least I like it) called The Lupus Recipe Book by Ana Reisdorf. She explains why and why not, gives a lot of wonderful recipes (not all are winners, but there are some super yummy ones) and gives you a few cooking hacks to save your time and energy. I’m sure there are others out there.

But the gluten thing is A number one. You aren’t gluten sensitive, you are gluten allergic! One day when my husband and I were eating out and the waitress brought hot fresh rolls to the table, my husband was slathering in the butter and said to me ‘ I don’t know how you can resist. Your will power is great’. I said to him, ‘you have to remember that as good as that smells, it’s poison to me. If someone offered you a slice of the most beautiful cake you’ve ever seen, but you knew for a fact it was full of rat poison, would you be tempted to eat it? No, off course not. That’s me with all gluten products’. Jeromicus, that’s how you have to look at it too. It’s poison to us. Not a little tummy discomfort, but poison.

So here’s a short list (?) of some of the more common things I’m allergic to, a lot of them are also on the Autoimmune no no List (a lot aren’t): wheat, dairy, egg whites, tomatoes, mustard, carrots, cantaloupe, oranges, bell peppers, soy beans, Lima beans, peanuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, pecans, cinnamon, sesame seed, cod fish, and yeast (like baking yeast) and I have allergies to feathers, some trees some grasses, and rag weed. UGH! I sound like a hot mess 😂. Oh, and of course, allergic to the sun ☀️ (that’s the worst for me! I love being out in the sunshine, but it makes me sick. ☹️)

I also eat only poultry and fishes. But careful about the fishes. No soda pop.Etc., etc. So I have a lot of smoothies with fresh fruit, plant based protein powder, and something called Nanogreens (10 servings of dark green leafy vegetables) with coconut milk. I use to be very thin. I put on weight 4 years ago and started giving up all my favorite foods. You would think the way I eat, and as little as I eat, I would be a twig (and I exercise) but, I still have on the extra weight. What are you going to do, right?

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I wish you the best and hope you find your answers. Please keep in touch so I know how you are doing. Enjoy your day, rain or shine.

BK

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh, and I have been keeping all my medical records from the past 4 1/2 years. A thick folder. And I bring it to appts with new doctors.

And I have about 7 or 8 supplements I take daily that seem to help. 😊

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh, and one other thing (sorry to be a pain, and I’m sure there’s so much I’m forgetting) get rid of your table salt and buy sea salt.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi thank you so much for your advice and fast reply I really felt for you when I read the people in your life are not there by choice and that your forced into their company. It’s a pretty tough thing to face as you know what your up against and it’s not something you would look forward to. Your doing a great job of being in their company without comment as it must be so tempting to speak out. Stay strong your keeping the peace and doing this for your dad and him alone and I applaud you for it. Your sacrifices are necessarily as sometimes we can’t get along with everyone no matter how hard we try and your a good daughter and are doing your best. I call it the smile and nod technique which I do most days and more so when I am forced into situations with people that are negative or I don’t like. I am very grateful for your tips on health as I now have to make a lot of food changes if not for myself at least for my teenage son who has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and we both have other tests coming up. I am just about to see a immunologist and am wanting to see another rheumatologist as I feel I am getting nowhere on a diagnosis which is driving me insane. Thank heavens I have my sense of humour it’s what gets me through the day. 😂. I am going to try to eat what I found helpful a few years ago as I got better then but lapsed after about a year and haven’t gone back to the diet I once had. My mum passed away with cancer with only 9 days in hospital and we only found out she was so ill four days before she passed. It made me realise we are here to be happy and to enjoy life and be well. I was so frightened I was going to get I’ll like my mum did. This was 5 years ago and I came away and realised my health was in my hands so I lived on plain rice, vitamins, fresh herbs, salads, veg and supplements and saw a alternative therapist as I needed to be well for my son. He’s all I have there’s 2 sisters I never see and your comments about the poison really struck a chord it’s like a message to me saying be strong eat well and your health with be better. At the moment it’s rather I eat what I want then complain about how ill I feel knowing full well that certain foods are making my health issues so much worse. I really struggle as wheat, dairy, sugar and all sorts of foods make me unwell. What supplements and vitamins have helped you as I need to take a leaf out of your book and get well. I hope your having a great evening and it’s not too late as I don’t know what the time is where you are. 😀. Jeromicus

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ha, ha, it’s only just pass 10:30 am here. So I have plenty of time for a great day, thank you. I hope your day went well and you’ll have a great week.

Here’s my list of supplements:

Omega 3 Fish Oil

Magnesium

CoQ10

Ginger Root

Biotin

Turmeric (there’s those that say this is a must, and those that say it’s a no-no. I find it helps me)

Cat’s Claw Bark

Liquid Vit D (under the tongue)

Liduid Vit B (under the tongue)

Plus a plant based protein powder

Collagen powder

and Nanogreens powder

I have to confess, I started Hydroxychloroquine one month ago. I just have felt so guilty about putting my husband’s life on hold along with me. He’s a wonderful support and understanding, but I love him and have hated keeping him down with me. We bought him a Harley-Davidson motorcycle last Nov. and that helped me not feel so guilty because he had the fun of riding his bike to focus on😆. I think the hydroxychloroquine ‘might’ be helping? I’m not 100% sure. Our symptoms and how we feel change so quickly day in and out, even during the course of a day, so it’s hard for me to tell, just yet, if it’s the meds or not.

Thank you and all my best to you. Please don’t stay away from this group. I find it such s relief to be able to discuss, openly, how I feel and know I’m not judged.

BK

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the list I will try them all out and see which helps. I tried the hydroxy and it made me very unwell yet I have met and spoke to others who swear by it. Have a look on you tube on treating auto immune disease. I am

On day one of the Jason vale juice diet and am just tucking in to a fresh basil, Manuka honey and mint smoothie. let’s hope I stick to it. 😂. Also have a look at the Robert red fern site on google and his magazine naturally healthy news is good I found they have lots of advice on health and I definitely would recommend Ashwaghanda and serrapeptase as they worked for me. I will let you know how my diet goes and will do some research. Take care. J 😀

[olliecat]

You are not being petty at all . Speaking from my own personal experience , this sounds like the trait of a Narcissist ,known as ' mirroring '. Along with the many other unpleasant behaviours of such people , it can be very destructive to relationships . I do have lupus ,but most of it was not directly linked to that , but to countless other areas of my life , and to my family. You sound like an amazing woman , and you are completely right in your feelings about this . stay well and happy ,x

[Hidden in reply to olliecat]

Ahhh, thank you Olliecat. I do think Vicki is a narcissist, honestly. And my daughter in law’s mom, I honestly think is a sociopath. Sounds strong, but there is so much about her that fits (all about her).

Thank you for your kindness.

BK

[Spotty-ewe]

Hi Brook,

Illness-envy is a sick trait (excuse the pun) which some people seem to have. They are more to be pitied than anything as they have a real mental problem - Narcissism as Olliecat said, being one of them. Not nice people to know and in your case with the 2 women you mention, difficult to avoid on family occasions. But hold you head high and try not to let them get under your skin. Easier said than done I know. But they aren’t worth getting yourself upset and opening yourself up to stress and other emotions that potentially make your condition worse. Think of yourself first and excuse yourself from their company if things get unbearable. They are NOT worth it! Hugs 🤗Spotty 🥰

[Hidden in reply to Spotty-ewe]

Spotty, I totally agree! (And I love your witty humor!) Thank you for your kind and supportive comment.

BK

[Krazykat26]

No you're definitely not being petty..n in a way it is a compliment!! Crazy I know but very often competitive women r jealous of others constantly!! It's just the way they r unfortunately!!

However...'be careful what u wish for' springs to my mind...maybe Vicky n the other woman ..the crazy one..r hoping they get it too...although I think Vicky's had lupus for a few years etc...omg that's HILARIOUS 😹😹😹

Don't take it to heart or let it get u down Brook..we all understand how it feels to struggle 24/7..n I don't think you'll get any 'competition' here..coz we all know it!!

Having any kind of autoimmune disease is tricky enough without having to deal with 💩from others who have absolutely no idea..but hey...society has turned strange!!

This is what makes us warrior women so the way I look at it is this...throughout this journey I'm going to be challenged..on a daily basis..either by 🐺 or by people, places, or circumstances beyond my control!!

Never stop smiling n look for the positive in everything..laugh it off as much as u can n don't let the b*tches get u down!!!

Gentle 🤗🤗 xx

[Hidden in reply to Krazykat26]

Spot on KrazyKat, you are making me laugh! Thank you. Yes, not everyone is strong enough to go through this. Funny thing for ANYONE to envy! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even them.

🙏thank you!

BK

[NeuronerdDoaty]

You know my mother?!?!

My Pops is dying of cancer and my mother says the lump they removed from her breast (hear me scream) 30 years ago they now think may have been cancer. Nope. Pathology is done before you leave.

Vicky Vicky Vicky. You are not petty petty petty. She has some emotional disorders. Ask yourself why Vicky married a man so much older than herself.

I would leave the room or make a joke during Vicky conversation. Either her self-esteem is tanked or she has borderline personality disorder never treated. (Which is what I feel because there’s a twinge of competition.)

So the MIL thing you explained yourself. She has identified herself as a patient. If you ask me ‘who are you’ I say ‘mother, daughter, neuroscientist’. Her answer although unspoken is ‘patient’. Isn’t that sad.

Put them in bubbles in your brain. When you see them put your microscope glasses on and just watch. I like to tell my mother I’m so grateful for therapy.

Sending you peace and powerful strength vibes

Doaty💛

[Hidden in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Doaty, thank you. Wise words to live by. Thanks again, and all my best, BK.

[Hidden]

Doaty, I’m sorry I hadn’t commented about your dad. OMGosh, I am so sorry to hear. You must be so upset. Please know I feel for you. It’s so rough to go through and I bet you are a great support to him. Please know we all care.

BK

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. 💛