Am I being oversensitive?

[DaleDiva]

Yesterday on my Facebook page I re-posted one of those jokey photo's about fatigue with the comment "This is me". A few people have liked it but one friend (of 40yrs!) commented along the lines of we are all tired, get over yourself. She them pm'd me saying I need to sort out my priorities and make more effort to see friends. I have been in bed with a flare for 3 weeks but prior to this I know I have been neglecting people, even my mother, but as well as having me having Lupus my daughter had Glandular fever and recently developed depression/anxiety/panic attacks. I am acutely aware that my daughter and I have retreated from the world recently but was hoping that when we emerged people would still be there (most know I am ill but not all know the diagnosis yet) It is totally out of charecter for this friend but I don't have the emotional reserves to speak to her.... which of course will make things worse

[steadilymovingforward]

Good lord that is horrendous. Oversensitive?...no at all! I would be mortified if a friend said that to me and to be honest they probably wouldn't be my friend anymore. So cruel, she clearly doesn't understand Lupus, you're not ill just so you can annoy her?! Considering you said it is totally out of character I am thinking it's possible she is going through a rough time with something and hasn't told anyone. It's possible she has been holding it in and when she saw that you have been able to to express yourself, when she hasn't...it angered her and she reacted...still no excuse to be so cruel though. I think she needs to know how that made you feel but like you said you don't want any agro...perhaps a short message back saying what you've told us....'I'm sorry you feel that way but I just don't have the emotional reserves to deal with this. What you've said has hurt me more than you can imagine' Or you could ask why...but then you'll have to deal with the outpouring!

Personally I'd probably give both barrels but I'm trying to be diplomatic. Sometimes Lupus helps with 'life laundry', helping you realise your true friends, the ones who would never be so cruel. If you had to think about it...would you say that deep down she's always been one of 'those' friends...a friend yes...but not very friendly?

Really hope you're flare improves and that you feel supported and valued by your true friends and brothers and sisters here.

Take care

xxx

[Hidden]

Is she really your friend? When did she last come to visit you? And yes - maybe she has issues going on and maybe she needs support that she feels should come from you?

I'd probably give both barrels too. Or else just delete her comment and her as a 'friend'. Depends on the history between you and how much you value it, I guess.

It REALLY hurts, I know (my own family though I was blagging it right up to when my kidneys failed). But you don't have time or energy for false friends while you're trying to cope with this horrid under-researched and misunderstood disease. So no - not over sensitive - just not a well bunny.

[DaleDiva]

Thanks ladies, sometimes with Lupus you can't trust your emotional responses. What hurt is that it is out of charecter, so yes, she possibly is having problems of her own. I am well aware the world has been passing by me as it does with Lupus but you think it is still going to be there when you emerge.

On the plus side I met a bloke just before this flare took hold and we had 2 dates before I took to my bed and he has txt every day since

[steadilymovingforward]

aw that's lovely!!

[flutterby]

I too don't think you are being at all oversensitive, I understand what you mean about not being able to trust you emotional responses as well. It seems a very cruel thing to say, and can imagine how it made you feel. I agree with the responses above, and the concept of 'life laundry'! I don't know what I would do, if you feel that it is a friendship worth working on maybe write and tell her how her words made you feel, can you tell her what you are having to deal with? I have been through something similar with friends recently and have consiously withdrawn from them because I really don't have the energy or inclination, and I feel better in myself for it. I do hope that things for you, and your daughter start looking up for you soon. Take care of yourselves xxx

[madmagz]

I am surprised you refer to her as a friend! Not a very good one in my estimation. Surely she realises with your own health issues and a daughter who has not been well that you will not be all singing and all dancing at the moment! I too don't think that you are being oversensitive, we can all sympathyse with you and how you and your emotions can go up and down all the time.

If you don't want to talk to this person, which I admit I am not surprised about, put your feelings very carefully into words on paper and send it to her then she can see how upset you are and leave the ball in her court. Fourty years is a long time to be friends but sometimes you have to move on from some people and look at others around you and find that they will be much more supportive, I certainly have.

Chin up, and I hope things get sorted for you

Madmagz x

[hazelHollingsworth]

Hi, I am 66 years old next month and sadly many 'friends' have fallen by the wayside when I needed them most. It is very hard to put into worlds just how lonely you feel and the one that hurts the most is my hubby and my sister. Neither of them understand as neither of them ever have a days illness unless they get a Cold - then they are 'so ill' and look to me for sympathy When I just have No energy to do things, my hubby's answer is to say "oh leave it 'till you feel better" never an offer to do it. I used to do everything, I worked, cleaned,cooked decorated inside and out, did the garden and All the household chores along with bringing up my two beautiful children - who do help when they come to stay. It was starting to get me so depressed I even thought of just taking all the pills and going for an eternal sleep. then I looked at the photo of my children (which is on the wall under the medicine cubbord still for this reason) and just went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Next day I got a cleaner, who comes for 2 hrs a week and does everything for me, each week she does a different room from top to bottom and dusts and hoovers the rest, then the week after moves on to another room. so it all gets a Good clean.

Then I phoned a friend who used to know a gardener and booked him to come for a couple of hours a week in the growing season.

I do get careers allowance (or what ever they call it now) and thought Bugger to all of them I will spend it on what it is meant for. YES it still hurts when friends don't call, but I make a point of phoneing them and when they ask me how I am I just say "oh the usual for me" and move on. Yes I have Very Special friends who see the pain 'behind the painted smile' and they keep me going.

I so understand the hurt and pain you are feeling, is there a local Lupus group where you live, or phone head office and they will give you a phone number in your area.

As for your 'friend' ask her to come round one day and SHOW her this page and the Lupus site on facebook, when she reads them she Might just understand.

OR she might just be Frightened that she is 'loosing' her friend that was 'well' and happy. Some people are just plane Frightened of illness. WE are all hear for you and I know it is not the same as a HUG from a loved one, but it the best I can offer. I live near Sheffield if you are near let me know.xx

[mstr]

Hi, I'm sad that this has happened to you and it is hurtful. Some people do not seem to be able to have empathy for others unless they have been through a similar situation. Try not to blame yourself for not being there for her as you have been there for YOUR FAMILY and yourself.....this is what is important. Some friends will have to fall by the wayside and you will make some space for new people who will understand the condition to enter into your life. I know other people have things going on in their lives and when you get time to raise your head out of this difficult time I'm pretty sure you would have enquired too. All we can do in a crisis with this condition is keep our heads down until it passes. It is too hard to be dealing with other issues too....to others this may appear selfish but it is just a reality. I think I would be tempted to hand this 'friend' some info on lupus and possibly the dvd. She may just understand a little more about it. I plan to do the same when my husbands family all visit in June. Up until now because they live at the other end of the country I have been able to cope with this condition. However, before they visit I am going to ask them to call into Romford head office and get some book marks and information for me. I will say that perhaps they would like to read it so it may aid their understanding. It's hard enough coping with this condition but if people don't understand then I say it's their issue. I think any anger or hard feelings on this can cause stress to yourself so I personally would try to avoid that and just simply think they do not understand. In time they will have their own hurdles in life to go through and then may just have to reflect on past behaviours. Don't beat yourself up as you have been busy enough dealing with this condition and your daughters too.....there are only so many hours in a day xx

[DaleDiva]

Thanks ladies, some lovely answers. I took your advice and wrote my feelings in a PM on Facebook (very modern!) and as yet have had no reply.....

[Clare9811]

I don't think you are being over sensitive. I would be totally offended if a stranger said this, so a friend of 40 years-well, let's just say they wouldn't be my friend! That's horrible xxx

[emilyb]

Words fail me !!!