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Sorry for a many post but I'm so fed up.

I've been flaring on and off since march, at the moment I'm trying to taper off steroids so know I'm quite vulnerable to another flare so trying to keep calm, stress free and rest as much as possible.

However, my family is at war!! We've always been a really close family but recently my sister borrowed a huge amount of money from my parents and is now refusing to pay it back, it's caused so much trouble and I'm stuck right in the middle. I don't want to fall out with my sister and I'm very close to my mum so don't want to fall out with her either, I've told both of them that I won't take sides and that its nothing to do with me.

Today my sister turned up where I work cos she was upset over an email my stepdad had sent her, which in all honesty was a fair email asking for civility and the chance to talk things through, my sister took the whole thing out of context and turned it into a huge deal. I stupidly let slip that my stepdad was at his parents for the weekend so at least things would have time to settle down, tonight I got a phone call from my brother to say my sister was at mums kicking off.

She knew mum was on her own so took advantage if it, she spent nearly 2 hours banging on the door, shouting through the letter box and leaving abusive messages on the answer phone, my mum was obviously devastated!

I felt awful cos I was the one who told my sister that my stepdad was away, my husband came in from the pub and I was upset and told him what had been happening, he's now really angry that I'm getting stressed and upset and is determined to confront my sister and tell her a few home truths which will surely drag us in even deeper than we already are!!

I'm just exhausted with it all, and I find it so sad that this is ripping us all apart.

I kind of feel as well that no one has taken into account the fact that I shouldn't be getting stressed, but is that me being selfish?

So annoyed with it all now


6 Replies

How Sad for you a good lesson I was taught was Neither a lender , or borrower be . Your sister is acting like this because she knows she is in the wrong and she is trying to make out it is everyone else's fault .I agree you should not get involved ,your poor mum . Maybe if your husband did have a quiet word with your sister asking her to repay your mum a set amount weekly that might be an acceptable way to end this Feud I can always remember my brother was always borrowing money off my mum , he never paid it back and when my mum died She didn't leave much but had stated it was for myself and my sister .My brother had the cheek to ask me to share it with him, we fell out cos I said no My life was less stressful without him in it . I do hope it all works out for you , but you may just have to take a back seat on this one . Take care


Don't let family stress you out. It will put you in hospital like it happened to me. Stress can make your lupus worse and give you flare ups.Take care and try to keep out this family bust up.


my sympathy - families can be so complicated can't they. Very hard for you not to get drawn in, I think Voutton's suggestion about your husband having a quiet word with your sister is a good one - as long as he can keep his cool if she kicks off!


Hi Dumpypug

Firstly no you are not being selfish! If anything you have been very selfless it seems trying to act as a mediator and go between for the rest of the family and when you are struggling with such a chronic disease at the same time it is an extra burden. As your fellow lupies know and it seem you are very aware the stress of all this is likely to make your flares worse so it is time that you put number one first and thought about you and your health or you are going to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally and can't afford to make yourself more ill than you are already.

I would recommend that if you are trying to taper off your steroids maybe it might be worth trying to take Munuka honey, I know several people who have taken this very successfully and have come right off steroids in two cases, they take a teaspoon every morning of active 10+ or active 15+ it is expensive but much better for you than steroids.

Well back to your they realise just how serious your health issues are and what makes you worse and can trigger flares? You are not a mediator and certainly not fit enough to act as one without it making you ill so personally if I was in your shoes would suggest that your parents get advice from citizens advice bureau and tell your sister that she needs to sort things out as you are not the person to do it as it will make you ill and they NEED to understand that FULLY. If third person intervention is needed with your sister to get the money back then so be it, if that is what is needed then so be it. Your health is important and you are no good to anyone if you get so bad that you are incapable of doing anything and could risk losing your job with things like that going on.

I really do feel for you being stuck in the middle trying to sort everyone out is difficult enough when you are healthy but having a severe illness and having all this on your plate must be awful.

I sincerely hope that your family can sort themselves out and that gives you a chance to let your health improve and for you to get off steroids.

Good luck all round

Madmagz x


Hi, I have had something similar and the only way I found some solution was to try and think creatively.

There a a couple of facts you can't change - you need to do something as being that close to your family they will always stress you out whatever you do especially if you want to remain in contact with them. The second is if it was definitely a loan then your sister owes your mum the money, no ifs no buts no more emotional blackmail to take sides. Your sister is in default.

The next thing is deciding what to do about it.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do your mum and dad definitely need the money back right now? Or is it a principle thing?

If your sister is refusing to pay the money back on what is clearly a loan - why? There must be something even if the answer is sadly she is a bitch, but most people only act that way if there is something else. Has she lost all the money? Something has changed and she can't afford to pay it back? Does she think her parents owe her the money for some kind of slight or wrong they have done? If u can find the answers it may explain her behaviour. If there is a reason your husband may be talking to a brick wall and will get nowhere fast.

And finally what could you or your husband suggest that might help?

A more relaxed re-payment plan?

A codicil in your parents Will saying you get the money back to the estate before any division is made with a signed letter confirming your sister knows why it is being done and agrees to it?

Seizing assets if your parents need the money back?

Garnishing her wages?

I know some of these seem harsh but if you can remove emotion it may help find a solution.

I hope my answers don't cause offence it is not my intention as I have only the information supplied in this post. But knowing how stress affects me sometimes we have to be detached to survive

Hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck x


Thanks so much for your replies, nice to know that other understand xx


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