Hi everyone i’m sure I am not the only one who feels like this, but how do you cope with depression. The past three years have been so hard for me. My daughters marriage broke down and she moved in with a baby and two dogs, one of which never stopped barking. My husband had an accident and has PTSD he has had counselling but until then he had nightmares and I was very often woken with him kicking and thumping me and he was totally unaware he was doing this. I told him to get counselling and he is better.
My mum has always put me down in favour of my sister I don’t care but when I told her I didn’t want to see her again. Every time she came to my house she would criticise and put me down. When I called her on it and told her some of the things she had done, she said I was raking up the past. No apology or reason given. My whole life I never felt good enough, every opportunity she had she would have a go. I can’t tell you some of the things she has said and done.
Well now I feel I just can’t take it all any more. It is bad enough dealing with the pain and everything that lupus/ fibro/ raynauds/sjogrens and osteoarthritis has to share with me. I am forever feeling I have to prove myself and that I don’t do enough at home. I don’t get that much help, they all think because I am at home I can look after their dogs etc. I have tried talking to them but don’t get anywhere.
Sorry such a long post desperate to vent
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Josieswolf
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You are a beautiful woman!!! You are smart, loving, a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother and person! Repeat that often, every day! Looking in the mirror day it over and over to help negate all the damage your mother had done to you throughout your life. Also, you need to tell your doctor exactly how you feel. This is not something you should face alone. I'm hoping for better days ahead and sending you hugs. Take care!
Thank you for your reply and I know I should see my gp. Getting a longer appointment isn’t easy but will try. Once again thank you for taking the time x
You have such a lot to cope with I'm not surprised you're feeling depression. I've had it on and off for years and although I'm very reluctant to take medication I must say citalopram (an antidepressant) has been very useful. I'm extremely sensitive to medication and it's available in liquid form (not all GP's know this) so I can take a really low dose and change it very slightly to suit my needs. Not everyone gets on with citalopram but I can certainly recommend antidepressants as being helpful when you really can't take any more.
Other than that, I avoid alcohol completely when I'm depressed and try to exercise as much as the lupus allows, as this helps greatly. Alternative therapies are useful too and I've just had some reflexology to help me cope with anxiety, which has worked wonders!
Hi Josiewolf, there's a great deal going on for you isn't there. You've got some long term issues with your mother and then reactions to your husband's accident and the breakdown of your daughter's marriage. On top of that you've the ongoing difficulty of your daughter moving home with two dogs and a baby. The final straw has to be the constant barking. You need help. Even if it takes a couple of weeks, make that GP appointment. Hopefully you will get some antidepressants to ease your stress, but more importantly for you will be counselling to help you unpick each of your difficulties and work out solutions. Whilst you are waiting for the GP and counselling can I recommend a free App call Relax Lite. My GP suggested this to me when I was very stressed. It is a very soothing relaxation session. You just tell everyone you're off to your bedroom to relax, put the earphones in and listen to the lovely soothing voice. Make that GP appointment!!!
Hi I hope today you have some what a glimmer of a better day.i feel what you say and believe over time I myself have become numb. To so much it was a case of having to or it would destroy you as a person. I let it go all and who hurt me in my life I forgave and let it go. And this one day when it happened I have lighter and am sure has got me to we’re I am now I focus on my I focus on my three daughters and there children and do what I can. I stopped thinking about the past and holding on to things that I can’t change it will devour you and take your zest for the simple things in life . sending you hugs xxx
Yes- definately make that appointment. As for everything else, it's them not you, especially your mother. When I'm stressed I just can't stand noise so the constant barking sounds like a nightmare. It is your home, could anyone else have the dogs? You don't have to prove yourself, you are kind and generous as you have taken your daughter and baby in. Take care xx
Hi Josieswolf. I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed! You have your own health issues, and just pain on its own is a real trigger for depression. Then your husband has had a terrible time. Your daughter, her baby and two dogs have moved in. And you have a difficult relationship with your mother, who has behaved badly in the past - and still does, by the sound of it.
I don't think you need to 'prove' yourself; take a moment to reflect on all you are doing. You have taken in your daughter and her baby; that is a big thing - you are a supportive, caring mother. You have helped your husband through PTSD - you are committed, caring wife. You appear to be putting a stop to an abusive mother constantly putting you down by saying you don't want further contact at present - you are starting to value and stand up for yourself in this relationship.
And now, as others have said, it is time to go to see your GP and speak to them about all of this. Hopefully you will come away not only with medication to help you cope in the short-term, plus a review of the meds for your pain, etc, but access to an NHS counsellor or appropriate services to help you with all of this.
If I might make a suggestion re the constant barking - your house, so your rules, to a large extent. And if the barking is really a major factor in your mood/how you cope (and it would be for me!), then I think you will have to act now - say to your daughter that she needs to make temporary arrangements for the dog/s. At the end of the day, I think you are going to have to put your foot down, not feel guilty about being ill, and say 'no, this isn't ok, I am chronically ill, and you urgently need to make alternative arrangements for ......'. This is something very difficult to do, I appreciate. I struggle with standing up for myself and, from previous posts I have read on this Forum, so do many others.
But, most important, get to the GP! Very good wishes to you
If you google your local IAPT service, usually it has wellbeing in the service title somewhere, they will take a self-referral. Sometimes it is good to get all this out there and have somebody give you the tools to deal with the feelings in the longer term.
Anti-depressants are certainly an option, particularly if you are experiencing more clinical features of depression, e.g. tearfulness, poor appetite, poor sleep (though I think there's a lot a play there!), loss of interest in things that you used to do that brought you pleasure. Please be aware that as with a lot of other meds these are not a quick fix and take around six weeks before working fully. Also mental health meds are as much an art as science, there is no one size fits all so you may have to try a coupe before you find one that suits. Usually though you'll be offered an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) to start with. I would expect them to suggest that you'll be taking these for 6m-1yr initially, though some say 2yrs. If you relapse after coming off meds then they'll restart with a recommendation that you take meds for at least 1yr.
Most GP's will go for a combination of meds and talking therapies. It helps to think of the meds as a tool to help deal with a job, like lifting mood enough to be able to access talking therapies. This approach is the best to low mood.
You've had a lot to cope with, so no wonder you've been feeling that enough is enough. I won't repeat any of the good advice that others have already posted, but just add one thing. You have done your very best to raise and support your daughter and her little one. You've supported your husband through really difficult times. Despite everything, you've done your level best to be honest and have a mature relationship with your mother.
You have nothing left to prove, nothing to apologise for.
So now you have a complex and significant health problem, and you get to prioritise YOU. Tell anyone who asks too much of you, 'I'm afraid I'm not able to do that today'. Wear your favourite hat all day. Indoors, if you like. Play your favourite music as loud as you like. Be kind. Be strong. Be weak. Avoid doing anything that will make you feel bad. Above all, be your true, human, self. Time for other people to show they deserve to have you in their life. x
I am so sorry for this horrible situation you are in. Life’s hard more often than not. I wish I had a way to help you. I am sending you hugs and will keep you in my thoughts
I had a mother rather like yours...it is difficult bto have a solid foundation as an adult when we didn't have one as a child...so yes, depression also grabs me...I also have a single daughter with a wonderful 12 year old daughter living in out upstairs(we converted it into a private space..their own Kitchen bathroom etc...another daughter lives on our property with her partner 3 kids 2 dogs 2 cats..fortunately again they have their own place,,,My husband is good and we have 2 other daughters who actually live with their husbands in their own homes..yes...My fatigue gets the best of me...oh I just wanted to say, I Understand how you are feeling....and send my Best
I just read your post and want to send a big 🤗 hug! You have had to deal with so much. Is there something you can do for yourself? Massage? Journal? I have same symptoms as you and have to deal with a husband who is oblivious. He is bipolar and has dementia. I never know when is mood will switch and he will verbally abuse me. If I didn’t have my senior exercise class and friends I’d go crazy. I haven’t felt like going but force myself and am glad I did. You need a release. Warm hugs!
Oh I don’t think I have anything to complain about in comparison to you. You must be living on your nerves all the time. Have you contacted your go and social services for help. You need help all the stress you must be feeling will just be making your health worse. My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself and thank you for your support. Lots of hugs to you too.
As women we seem to get all the bad stuff don’t we ? I certainly did. Lupus? If your daughter wants dogs she needs to get her own flat!!!! Tell her the truth we can’t cope with noise . Good luck xxx
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with depression at the moment. We have an article on our website about coping with depression and anxiety which you may be interested in reading. It includes some personal accounts and information about a range of support services that are available. lupusuk.org.uk/coping-with-...
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