Relationship breakdown: Me again... Feels like I... - LUPUS UK

LUPUS UK

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Relationship breakdown

eescvc profile image

Me again... Feels like I can't catch a break!

After a very happy 8 years together it seems my diagnosis has now destroyed my relationship with my once amazing partner.

I am beyond heartbroken. We had just moved into our first proper home together after living with parents through our early 20s. I had never felt so happy. We were getting married this autumn...

I now have to face losing my best friend, and my home. All while I am feeling so rough. I've not even had long enough on my meds to feel much of an effect. I am so scared...

I don't know what the hell to do. I've got very few people in my life that I can talk to.

EDIT TO ADD:

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages. We are now over. It was messier than needed. Police had to be involved because he became violent. He's currently in police custody as we speak.

He had been abusing me for the past few weeks over my illness - but I was madly in love and blind and forgiving. And then he was unfaithful. But I forgave...

Having been with someone my whole adult life and having them as my best friend, my family, I don't know anything else at the moment. Tonight will be the first time I sleep in a bed on my own in about half a decade. We were joined at the hip. Every item in our home has a memory to him or us, my clothes, jewellery, furniture.

It will be tough, but not tougher than a CTD and I am already taking that head on.

Onwards and upwards I guess..

20 Replies

All I can say is I’m so sorry you must be feeling down my marriage broke down I didn’t know what life had in stall for me I’m now happily married with a wonderful man xx and I’m sure you will find happiness again

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That really sucks, eescvc. There's no easy consolation, only hope that things will turn round for you soon. Try to stay in touch with everything else that you love and please do keep posting. A lot of people here have had tough and bitter times too, so I'm sure that many of us will be feeling and rooting for you x

Im so sorry that’s terrible for you, this illness just seems to destroy everything!

Maybe you will work things out don’t give up yet x

So sorry to hear this. Poor health is very hard to manage and some relationships will suffer but you’re still young and the meds will hopefully work soon and life may well feel very different and much more positive.

Xx

Gosh, things sound awfully rough going for you. So sorry to hear of such a difficult and heartbreaking life change right now. Especially right now... Hang on in there as best you can. More hopeful things will happen again, as others have commented. Just tuck that knowledge away for when you're feeling more up for hope.

All the very best day by day. Panda x

Bless you, eescvc

One day, you will realise, one of the tests of true love, is ill health.

With ill health, we need all the love and support we can gather. Ill health affects relationships. Bringing challenges.

Try not to blame your partner or your illness. Your partner doesn't have the medical knowledge and skills to help you. Partners are often overlooked by medical professionals. They do suffer too, and mourn the loss of our previous healthy Being.

Thank your partner for trying to be there and let them go, with Grace.

Also, don't blame illness for the breakdown of relationships. It will serve no purpose, to your coming to terms with a chronic health disease. Rather, focus on getting as well as possible. Every single day, be good to yourself.

We have a real opportunity to learn how to manage our own body, our health, and to choose future relationships that support us.

Many of us here, lose partners, family, friends. Though, I find, as one door closes, another opens. We meet fabulous people we would not have encountered.

Let go of those people, who struggle to cope. As they say, if it is true love, they will return.. if not, wish them well..

Anger, bitterness, nor stress, are conducive to good health. Keep loving.

Ill health takes a lot away from us. Don't let it rob you of keeping an open, and loving heart.

Wishing you better days, with much love. X

Melba1 profile image
Melba1 in reply to Supul

Very wise words x

Cas70 profile image
Cas70 in reply to Supul

Very beautifully said.

eescvc profile image
eescvc in reply to Supul

I really needed this :)

Supul profile image
Supul in reply to eescvc

Sleep tight tonight.

Tomorrow is a new day, allow yourself time to grieve your relationship gone, however, start making a plan. A plan that is all about you; supporting your journey on improving your wellbeing.

Don't look back in anger.

Look forward in love and hope.

Wishing you a better future. X

dawnisup profile image
dawnisup in reply to Supul

Aren't you lovely? Wish I knew you as a friend; yours must consider themselves blessed. x Gentle hug to eescvc. This too shall pass. x

Supul profile image
Supul in reply to dawnisup

Ah thank you dawnisup (love the name).

I'm sure you are a good friend too.

Here at HU, we are all great, caring, and sharing friends. We are truly blessed.

So sorry xx

So Heartbreaking....I am so sorry......

I’m sorry; I’d stop over and give you a hug if I lived nearby...

It’s a lot of grief all at once. It is really unfortunate that he doesn’t understand this and how to support you; you deserve to be supported. I think that there’s something much better coming to you. You’re beautiful and you sound very strong and I’ll bet with a bit of time you’ll look back at this and won’t even be able to relate to how you’re feeling right now. Give the meds some time. Keep posting here - constantly. Is there someone - who gets what you’re going though - that you can talk to face to face about this? ie can your doctor refer you for therapy or is there a Lupus organization where you can stop in and chat with someone?

You poor thing. Supul has put it very wisely and if I can just add - these things do happen for a reason - you will find love again. Not your fault or his. If you grieve but start to build your life again it will be healthier for you. Talk to us on here - we have all gone thru a lot.

So sorry to hear this has happened. I can say that I truly empathise.

My fiance left me after I'd been diagnosed. I'd been acutely ill for a year, in and out of hospital with collapses, pericarditis and then was eventually diagnosed with lupus. I had cerebral lupus at that point and he was very cruel to me in the last stages of our relationship. With thr benefit of hindsight, I can see that he was angered by my illness and resented it, which put pressure on me and made my health worse. It became a vicious cycle. He told me that he thought I'd just get better after taking the medication. He was living in fantasy land.

I'm now 36 and still single. This happened on NYE 2015 and I can see now that he couldn't handle my illness. It was too tough for him, too much of a negative effect on his life. Well, I've learnt that was because he was weak. I would love to just get up and leave lupus but I cant. Like you I have to face it everyday. Somedays are good others are not good but you need to be with someone who will be there for you come rain on sun.

Lupus is a life changing diagnosis so to go through the bereavement of a break up of your future husband is awful. Its the worst thing that ever happened to me. I blamed myself a lot and I'm hoping that you aren't doing that because its not your fault. Relationships break down for so many reasons and sadly some people can't hack ill health.

My ex-fiance walked out on me, never to contact me again. Since then I've often thought, what if I had married him and we had had a child who had a chronic illness or a terrible disease? I really dont think he would have handled it and would have walked out then too.

However hard this is, now is the time to focus entirely on yourself. Be selfish (in a good way) and put yourself first. Listen to your body. Do everything you can to get yourself as well as possible.

Its very easy to dwell on "what ifs" and that is only natural, but you must must put yourself and your medical needs first. Allow yourself to grieve but look to the future too.

Keep posting on here because you'll get fantastic support.

One thing I would say is that since I had to pick up the phone to cancel my wedding I have made so many new friends and done things that I wouldnt have done if I was still with my ex. If I was still with him I would be under so much stress to be in better health or to do certain things to please him that I know would make my Lupus worse, like going on a beach holiday or walking in the sun.

It really is true that as one door closes many more can open xx

eescvc profile image
eescvc in reply to happytulip

Everything you said reads so close to home. We are over now - I have posted a general reply on the thread explaining. I feel a weight lifted but also sorrow at would could have been.

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages. We are now over. It was messier than needed. Police had to be involved because he became violent. He's currently in police custody as we speak.

He had been abusing me for the past few weeks over my illness - but I was madly in love and blind and forgiving. And then he was unfaithful. But I forgave...

Having been with someone my whole adult life and having them as my best friend, my family, I don't know anything else at the moment. Tonight will be the first time I sleep in a bed on my own in about half a decade. We were joined at the hip. Every item in our home has a memory to him or us, my clothes, jewellery, furniture.

It will be tough, but not tougher than a CTD and I am already taking that head on.

Onwards and upwards I guess..

ChantelF profile image
ChantelF in reply to eescvc

I'm truly sorry that you are going through so much. A broken heart sucks big time. But I can just echo what the others have alr said. Nearly 6 years ago I was diagnosed with a other incurable disease and my then partner found himself a new partner in no time at all.

It was heart breaking, but I had amazing support, and I was 'selfish' working on getting me better. Today I'm happily married to a wonderful man who accepts both my illnesses and who supports and cares for.

Thank your ex, he did you a favor, I know mine did.

You have a beautiful future ahead of you🌻🌻

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