Before christmas and after i was working loads of hours although i am only supposed to work three days a week. my home life was chaotic and very stressful. i was getting overwhlemed. i need a holiday. other people told me i needed a break and a nice holiday would rechatge my batteries. having multiple chronic illnesses, i tried to cope. Finally i am due to go aware - the first few days were fine but then i was getting anxious and no sure how i felt. i became weepy and angry/anxious, felt insecure and not good at all. then on my last day when i wanted to get home a family member made things worse by being absolutley horrid/evil and downright nasty to my husband for no good reason appart from nastiness and jealously. This tipped me over and i coud not stop crying. We had a long journey home (including overnight on a boat).. when i got home i was all over the place my body just siezed, i was in apin everywhere and my mind was going so fast. i just was not coping. about three days of eing home i hated my life i stopped ALL my medicines, my diabetic meds, my RA meds, my thyroid, ropinerole , my anti Deps. my methotrxate, my pin meds. I then looked at the diazepam and the oxynorm and put a bunch on the bedside counter, i started slowly taking them (by about eight i had cried myself to sleep). I had also scribbled some horrible thoughts down and all my anger came out at the end of a pencil. My husband came home ffrom work to find me in a very deep sleep (he thought i was dead!). I had crashed and burnt. i was so vulnerable.
I went to see my doctor and was signed off work. he told me i had hit the wall, like a train crash - i had stopped but all the stuff following me had caught up with me.
its now four weeks since and i am feeling a bit better but only because i am being sheltered, and sheilded. i am not at work and my husband is really being very protective. I do have some horrible momments where the anxiety andanger rreturn and i could very easily kill someone, but i go to bed and sleep it off. but what happens when i have to go back to work/ i want to get back (Doctor has told me he will sign me off for god if i try to do too much again) but if i feel anxious or angry what do i do.i need a stratergy to cope. i still feel lost and bereft. I can't watch the news or the TV. even my usual programmes are making me angry. anything where people are taking advantage - people getting shafted, by others makes me explode. Still not back on my meds although i have started to take my insulin again and my thryoxine. Although my husband thinks i am taking my anti-depressants, methotrexate, ropinerole and all the other crap. =i am not. i feel i will not take these ever again. All the different specialists i see add medicines without looking at what i am taking already. One thing occured to me before christmas i found it difficult to sleep, but one night i forgot to take my meds and i had a great sleep. ithe following week i deliberatly did not take my nighttime meds and again i slept really well?? i was going to look into this but my crash happened before. i am not sure whats happeningand i have kept my boss inormed but i received a text from him wanting to know whether i will be back by march 1st. i am now feeling pressurized again. i just want to hide away but i know this is not the answer. i still feel very fragile, but i am feeling a little better each week. so heres to the next few weeks and further progression to better health. i just need to tell myself to rest, rest, rest... rest and good sleep will help me heal. also my husband who is trying real hard to support me - i am very lucky to have him. will let you know how i go - seeing the doc on tuesday. ?????????