you need a holiday??

[bodicea]

Before christmas and after i was working loads of hours although i am only supposed to work three days a week. my home life was chaotic and very stressful. i was getting overwhlemed. i need a holiday. other people told me i needed a break and a nice holiday would rechatge my batteries. having multiple chronic illnesses, i tried to cope. Finally i am due to go aware - the first few days were fine but then i was getting anxious and no sure how i felt. i became weepy and angry/anxious, felt insecure and not good at all. then on my last day when i wanted to get home a family member made things worse by being absolutley horrid/evil and downright nasty to my husband for no good reason appart from nastiness and jealously. This tipped me over and i coud not stop crying. We had a long journey home (including overnight on a boat).. when i got home i was all over the place my body just siezed, i was in apin everywhere and my mind was going so fast. i just was not coping. about three days of eing home i hated my life i stopped ALL my medicines, my diabetic meds, my RA meds, my thyroid, ropinerole , my anti Deps. my methotrxate, my pin meds. I then looked at the diazepam and the oxynorm and put a bunch on the bedside counter, i started slowly taking them (by about eight i had cried myself to sleep). I had also scribbled some horrible thoughts down and all my anger came out at the end of a pencil. My husband came home ffrom work to find me in a very deep sleep (he thought i was dead!). I had crashed and burnt. i was so vulnerable.

I went to see my doctor and was signed off work. he told me i had hit the wall, like a train crash - i had stopped but all the stuff following me had caught up with me.

its now four weeks since and i am feeling a bit better but only because i am being sheltered, and sheilded. i am not at work and my husband is really being very protective. I do have some horrible momments where the anxiety andanger rreturn and i could very easily kill someone, but i go to bed and sleep it off. but what happens when i have to go back to work/ i want to get back (Doctor has told me he will sign me off for god if i try to do too much again) but if i feel anxious or angry what do i do.i need a stratergy to cope. i still feel lost and bereft. I can't watch the news or the TV. even my usual programmes are making me angry. anything where people are taking advantage - people getting shafted, by others makes me explode. Still not back on my meds although i have started to take my insulin again and my thryoxine. Although my husband thinks i am taking my anti-depressants, methotrexate, ropinerole and all the other crap. =i am not. i feel i will not take these ever again. All the different specialists i see add medicines without looking at what i am taking already. One thing occured to me before christmas i found it difficult to sleep, but one night i forgot to take my meds and i had a great sleep. ithe following week i deliberatly did not take my nighttime meds and again i slept really well?? i was going to look into this but my crash happened before. i am not sure whats happeningand i have kept my boss inormed but i received a text from him wanting to know whether i will be back by march 1st. i am now feeling pressurized again. i just want to hide away but i know this is not the answer. i still feel very fragile, but i am feeling a little better each week. so heres to the next few weeks and further progression to better health. i just need to tell myself to rest, rest, rest... rest and good sleep will help me heal. also my husband who is trying real hard to support me - i am very lucky to have him. will let you know how i go - seeing the doc on tuesday. ?????????

[kay1982blru]

Hi, you sound as though you've had a very hard time and you've hit rock bottom. The positive to take from this is that the only way to go from there is up! But it is often a slow road to recovery and to get there sooner (sorry for saying this) but you have to be honest with the people who are trying to help you ...if you lie about which meds you are taking or how you are coping then you are only hurting yourself further because these people can't help you properly if they don't know the full story.

As for your boss at work, he shouldn't be harrassing you to come back especially since the pressures of work have a big impact on your depression! Do you have an Occupational Health team or a Union? I would get them involved if this continues, going back to work will not help you deal with the problems.

Hope you are okay and feeling a little better,

Kay xx

[bodicea in reply to kay1982blru]

Hi Kay,

Thank you for your reply, Yes i have been finding it hard to cope with things and juggle everything. I would like to reassure you that I have been upfront with my GP about the medications I am and am not taking since this happened; and i have now told hubby (he had a dickie fit!, but he doesn't get it) I was so sick of the chemical cosh and poisons i wanted to start over (like a review). (example= after 15 years of anti-depressants and subsequent increases) I only have my GP and hubby who care.

You made me smile regarding my boss because he is an Occupational Health Physician!!!! (says it all really).but stuff has happened since and i don't know whether to give up work. I am in a union but they don't have much authority where i live so its difficult.

But thank you for caring and taking the time to reply and making me feel that there are lovely people out there.

take care

with kind regards.

Bodiceaxx