Above & Beyond

Need help !!!

Hi I'm new here and desperate I've suffered on and off with depression for years but the last 2 weeks have been pretty bad twice I've had feelings of taking my own life. I didn't think things could get much worse but today my husband disappeared for a few hours and then told me that I basically need to cheer up or our marriage is over and it's all my fault and that I've bought him down . I'm right on the edge please help

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hi please don't go down the road about taking your life.no person is ever worth it.if your needing help and realise that then that's great for you.but your husband should be sticking by you through it all.kinda sounds like hes thinking about himself rather than you.

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Hi Thankyou for the reply my mum and my daughter said the same thing but this has made me feel worse trying to smile for him when I feel this low is hard it just looks like I've got to fight for my marriage with depression.im making emergency appointment with doctors tomorrow and appointment with marriage counsellor. What can you do to get others to understand depression.

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Hello Mjj25 and welcome to our friendly and supportive Community.

I know you have had a response from kenster1, thank you kenster1. You have talked to your mum and daughter too and plan to make an emergency appointment with your Doctor tomorrow and an appointment with a Marriage Guidance Counsellor. There is nothing more I can recommend at this time. I wish you well with your appointments.

Do please let us know how you get on and remember we are here to 'listen' and give you support whenever you feel you need it. Take care,

Lottie x

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Thankyou Lottie it is nice to know there are some lovely people out there willing to help just ashame my husband is starting to give up on me I will just have to work on that one Thankyou Mel x

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Mjj25, you need to go to your doctor immediately, and IMHO, it sounds like you need to be on medication asap.

There is one thing about antidepressant medication; it does not work immediately. But it DOES work given time if you get put on the right medication. I know this for a fact, because I was nearly at the point you are now, back in 2014. My doctor asked me if I had suicidal feelings. I said I did not, but I added that when I went to sleep that night, and never woke up again, I would be quite happy with that. So I guess I was not that far away from wanting to end things...

I have been on medication since 2014 and I no longer feel that way at all. Sure, there are still bad days, but the difference is that I can cope with them, and those feelings of darkness, and overwhelming sadness, are largely gone. I say largely, because such feelings do still arise, and I will not lie to you about that, but they are at a manageable level and, THIS IS IMPORTANT, instead of being there all the time, those feelings are at a far lesser degree, and only temporary, so I know that I can cope.

Mjj25, I know that the following will sound trite, but it is still true nonetheless. If you hang in there, and get the help you need, things WILL and DO get better. Trust me on that, because I know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

You take care, my friend, and stick in there because there IS real help out there, you are NOT on your own.

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Thankyou maxi2012 what antidepressants are you on as I have tried different ones and they made me feel worse alright not as bad as today this is the deepest I've been . I'm so glad you are feeling better it gives myself and others hope

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Hi, Mjj25. Your question raises a really important point. There are many different anti depressants out there, and you need to ensure that you are on the right one for you. and also don't forget that each tablet comes in different dosages, and that too can make a big difference. I'm taking Citalopram 40mg, and it has been like a new lease on life for me, in terms of being able to cope with life and live a normal life.

I had a breakdown back in July 2014 and my doctor put me on Sertraline, or at least the name was very similiar to that. I took it for 2 days and then stopped because I was feeling EXTREMELY bad on that tablet. I went back to my doctor and told him I could not take it anymore, but he said I should persevere with it. However, I knew it was wrong for me and I insisted on a change. I was then put on Citalopram and have not looked back since.

So here's the thing. If you are put on a tablet and it works for you, then that is great. But if you are put on a tablet, and you do not feel right, then you tell your doctor, and you insist on a change. Trust your instincts and your feelings, after all nobody on earth knows your body better than you. Your doctor is there to listen to you, not the other way around.

There are a lot of horror stories out there about SSRI's, but when you find one that suits you, it can give you your life back, and your peace of mind. And do you notice what I said there? Not IF you find the right one, but WHEN you find the right one.

Oh, one other thing. Sometimes you may meet folks who look down their nose at you, and tell you that you shouldnt need to rely on a tablet, or that they would never take anti depressants because they're stronger than that. Or some other type of BS. Well good for them. But depression is a REAL illness. To say something like the above means they have no idea what it feels like. Just the same way that I have never had a broken leg, so I have no idea what it feels like. But that does mean that I would tell a person with a broken leg not to use crutches? Of course not.

Finally remember this, that anti depressants, when you find one that works for you, do not work overnight. It takes time. For me it was a good 2 or 3 months before I felt normal again. But, once you are on the right one, they DO work. You can get your life back again.

You stick in there, my friend, don't take no for an answer and find the right medication for you. And don't be afraid to keep knocking on your doctors door until you do find the right one for you. Don't forget; you actually pay their wages with your tax money

All the best

Max

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Hi Mjj25

Please contact The Samaritans tonight, or any of the resources below and then see your Doctor tomorrow as Lottie suggested. You need someone to talk to or you can text them if that helps. Please take care.

Samaritans is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to listen to anything that is upsetting you, including intrusive thoughts and difficult thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Freephone: 116 123 Email them jo@samaritans.org or visit them at your local branch. Samaritans also offer a Welsh Language Line on 0300 123 3011 (from 7pm–11pm only, seven days a week).

CALM. If you’re a man experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They’re open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58, and they also have a webchat service if you’re not comfortable talking on the phone.

Mind doesn’t offer a crisis line but gives plenty of support and information.

Tel: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am – 6pm, except Bank Holidays).

Email: info@mind.org.uk

Text: 86463

Papyrus - are a national charity for the prevention of young suicide. They offer a specialist telephone service staffed by trained professionals who give non-judgemental support, practical advice and information to children, teenagers and young people up to the age of 35. Tel: 0800 068 41 41 Email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 07786 209697 Opening hours Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends: 2pm-10pm & Bank Holidays: 2pm-5pm

Rethink Mental Illness directly supports almost 60,000 people every year across England to get through crises, to live independently and to realise they are not alone. Tel 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday 9.30am – 4pm).

SANE offers emotional support and information from 6pm–11pm, 365 days a year.

Tel: 0300 304 7000.

Mind doesn’t offer a crisis line but gives plenty of support and information.

Tel: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am – 6pm, except Bank Holidays).

Email: info@mind.org.uk

Text: 86463

Chloe

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Thankyou Chloe I've tried samaritans but they are very busy I'm trying to hold on until tomorrow to see the doctor Thankyou again.

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Dearest Mjj25 welcome to our friendly above and beyond

Depression is very hard on its own to deal with let alone worrying about your marriage too..

Your husband sounds to me that he don't understand what depression is they seem to be a tad oblivious and can say things to us because they just don't get where we are coming from...

Please don't risk ending your life over depression or a few dints in your relationship life is way too precious to be thinking of heading down that road..your worth far too much if you could click your fingers and cheer yourself up you would have done this already your husband needs to start to have a little bit more consideration for you that's what we do for our marriage "in sickness and in health" he needs to be holding you up not bringing you down more or putting extra pressure on top of you by saying your bringing him down and your marriage that's not fair your going through enough without worrying about that and blaming yourself for that aswell...I would be guttered too if my husband said that too me because he's thinking of only him not you both...I know you want to concentrate on your marriage that's great but it takes two people as well...when your dealing with depression it's not the easiest to deal with are you on any medication??

If not please go have a chat with your Dr and see if there's a temporary solution for you to help you cope and just to take that edge off if you will be surprised how medication can lift your mood and just ask your husband to be patient with you because you will get there eventually it takes time a marriage councillor may help because they could explain more how you are feeling to your husband but in another way he could be saying this to you to give you the motivation to work on yourself and start to give you motivation to get back up because when we are depressed we don't feel like doing anything do we

Let us know how you are getting on

Take care

Nat

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Thankyou Nat I am going to make appointment tomorrow I have been trying hard to hold everything together hopefully he will decide to stand by me . Only this morning I told him I was going back to the doctors and was going for a voluntary job in a Mind shop locally to try and give me some confidence back and in a round about way helping others that suffer. And then he threw the marriage thing at me this afternoon it was like being hit with a double decker bus. Sorry for going on !! Many thanks to you ,you are very kind

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Mjj25 you are not going on honey that's what we're here for ..

That's a good idea with the mind work with you helping people who are suffering from what we all do..it will help you greatly because you will feel you are doing something positive and it will lift you up because you get a overwhelming feeling that you've given back...as for your husband honey I get so touchy when partners don't support people like ourselves because if the shoe was on the other foot you would be right by his side at the moment helping yourself to heal is more important I know it's hard with your depression and your husbands feelings but you need to heal you first before you can concentrate on anything else..glad your going to your doctor just work on you for now and everything else will piece together as well ...you will get there honey just take it day by day my friend it takes time but you will get hold of it eventually

All the best

Love Nat xxx

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Can't sleep now husband just told me he is happier when he goes out with out me . Feeling very sick and not sure I can make this marriage work or life ! He must hate me how can I love someone who talks down to me and makes me feel worse. Is anyone else in same situation and how do you handle it . Not sure I can wait to see dr in morning

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Hi Mjj25 what a horrible thing for a husband to say to his wife!!! That's not what you want to hear that comment alone will bring you down you don't deserve to be spoken to or treated like that by anyone especially your own husband.. if you ask me honey he's adding to your depression and he's the one who's bringing you down not the other way around he sounds very selfish!!! Please forgive me for my bluntness it just gets me annoyed that when someone is depressed and feeling low about themselves that their partners or loved ones don't help lift them up and support them instead they make our situation about them and they play the victim??? I was in a very similar situation to you with my daughter's father he literally dragged me so down mentally and drilled it into my head I wreaking his life a misery and I was making our relationship come to an end because of my depression he drilled it into my head I was worthless not worth fighting for which made me feel so bad about myself and I was feeling devastated thinking I'd not only ruined my life but his... he left in the end I was heartbroken too scared to be on my own because of my depression and anxiety and I felt lost but strangely enough after perhaps a week I started to lift up my mood my way of thinking everything I felt relieved that I didn't have him bringing me down all the time I didn't have to worry about keeping him happy anymore as I had more time to concentrate on myself and I sure did believe me it was hard it was very hard to start with but after therapy and meds and starting to believe in myself that I was worth the fight I pushed myself through and luckily met a fabulous man who took on my child as his own and has been my rock and my best friend ever since that was 17 years ago and we are still going my depression is still with me and I like you still suffer but look at yourself your worth so much more and your a survivor concentrate on yourself and your health put you first and heal you if he's the real deal he will still be there at your worst if not he didn't deserve you at your best then either hope you went ok at the drs...here if you need anything you can pm me as well I don't mind...I guess what I'm trying to say is your worth so much more

Love Nat xxx

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Thankyou Nat that is lovely of you I have been to the drs this morning he put me on antidepressants and told me to get in touch with I talk . He was very shocked with how my husbands been . I'm not sure but myself and the dr think he has probably got deep routed issues and putting it all on me maybe borderline personality disorder but not depression I have caught him talking to himself and he goes into a big sulk for a few hours , he used to be such a loving person and then he sort of turns into a monster telling me all these horrible things with a smirk on his face . Friday I told him I was going for a walk to clear my head he just looked at me and said don't jump off the bridge then smirked at me that seem to draw me to thinking of jumping.I'm trying to stick with it because if he has got problems then he will need help from me . I am so glad you have a husband that sticks by you that is what marriage should be about . I hope you don't mind me saying your husband is very lucky to have you ,you sound like a very kind soul

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Hi Mjj25 I'm so glad you went to the doctor and he's put you on anti d's once they kick in you Will start to feel better in yourself just remember they do take time to get in your system so persevere with them they will b worth it...Your husband may have his own issues that could explain his ways towards you but with that he needs to admit he has it and seek help because it's so cruel the way he is towards you that's playing mind games with you babe and its not right...if he says cruel things to you then blank him out your head say I'm amazing I'm worth the fight I will get better in your head over and over till you can't hear him or walk out the room and do something to take your mind of it because he's taunting you on your sadness wether he knows he's doing it or not you don't need to hear it... Take small steps honey believe in yourself life is complicated enough without the pressure of harsh words try the marriage councillor that's a first huge step to getting the help with your marriage.but make sure you apply for the I talk therapy because you also need to heal too and maybe suggest to your husband to go see his doctor too help each other because if he continues to be like this then he's not gonna help fix the situation it will just worsen it...Thanks you for your kind words I do appreciate it and remember you are not alone we are here with you we are all dealing with same thing so at least we can support and b there for each other.

Here always

Love Nat xxx

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Hi Nat things have got worse he has gone for a walk to decide if he is leaving me

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Hi, Mjj25

Here's the thing. Let us suppose that your husband does leave you. From the sound of it, that's the thing you fear so much.

But would that be so bad? From your posts it sounds like he is a man with deep issues of his own, whereas right now you need to concentrate on your own health and wellbeing. You don't need somebody elses' baggage and problems. You need to concentrate on YOU. Is that being selfish? Maybe, but why should you NOT be selfish when you are the person who needs help? And is it actually being selfish to look after yourself, and to seek the peace of mind that is your birthright? I don't think that is selfish at all.

And I'm not making light of a partner walking out on you; we've all been there. And at first it feels really s****y. But, if they are not supporting you, and in fact are dragging you down, the day will dawn when you realise that you are better off apart, even if that is only temporary while you (perhaps) both get help.

And what is the absolute worst case scenario if he does leave you for good? There will be a perfectly natural period when you feel that loss, but in the meantime you will get the help that YOU need, you will have time to look after YOURSELF for once, instead of worrying about somebody else. And, given time, life will slowly come back into focus, you will move on, and you will most likely meet somebody else who really does love you, and will support you no matter what.

Reading your postings, you sound like a really lovely lady to me, and once you get over this bump in the road, with the right help, not only will life will carry on, but it will get BETTER! I know it doesnt feel like that right now, but I'm not being trite or patronising; I'm just being honest because I've trodden similiar roads to you.

Cheers

Max

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Hi max thank you for the reply . It just feels overwhelming at the moment and very confusing he came home from his walk last night quite happy and said we will give it a try and get ourselfs better and then get the house up together, now this morning he is barely talking to me .Im trying really hard to put a smile on my face but deep down feeling sick to my stomach wondering what's next i do love him and don't want to give up on my marriage. I know you are probably right but I do need to give it a try, because if he is going through depression or another illness he will need my help as well.

Mel

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Hi, Mel

Maybe your husband does need help, or maybe he's just playing mind games with you. I don't know. But I do know one thing; when you're in the place you're in right now, your first responsibility is to YOU and YOUR health and wellbeing. Bit of "tough love" here, but here goes. Right now you HAVE to think of number one and get yourself well before you can even begin to think of anybody else. Does that sound harsh? Maybe.

But consier this. You know when you get on a plane, and they give all that safety information before takeoff? What's the one thing they always say? If things go wrong, and the plane crashes, make sure that you are safe BEFORE you try and help anybody else, because you CANNOT help anybody else if you yourself are in trouble.

I cannot give you guidance on your marriage, as I don't know either you or your husband. But I DO know that right now you need to be centred on yourself, be kind to yourself, and get the help that YOU need.

Once you've found the right meds/therapy for you, and you're back on an even keel, then you can think about helping your husband, if indeed he does have mental health issues of his own. Until then, you cannot help him, and neither should you try while you are still currently in a vulnerable place.

I will leave you with one final thought; give yourself PERMISSION to be selfish and to think of yourself first. At least until you are better. And then, if you still think you wish to save your marriage, you will then at least be in a MUCH stronger position to try to do so.

Sorry, one more final, final thought! That stuff about trying to put a smile on your face? I've been there and done that, trying to stave off and battle depression without help. Most times I could do it, but not during my last episode, when I literally ran to the doctor just to get some medication, and relief from the feelings. So don't worry about putting a smile on your face. That WILL come later, when you've had some help and things have gotten better (because they will!), but right now, just concentrate on getting that help.

You take care. Of yourself!

Cheers

Max

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Hi max you are so right I'm now at my wits end if this Carries on I think it is going to kill me. I can't sleep even with sleeping tablets I can't eat my weight is falling off I am starting to look anorexic with out trying . Everyday I'm so anxious wondering what's going to happen next and which husband is going to turn up the horrible one or not as bad one. He has been in 1 evening since Saturday night he just keeps making excuses to go out I have never ever felt like this in my life before. My mind is so torn to shreds I'm not sure if he has got someone else or if he is really ill with something like boarder line personality disorder.I am noticing the mind games more now belittling me making me feel like a child he makes me feel guilty because I've got depression and struggling to look after him. I am so worried about myself now I know I was close to ending my life but now I do want to fight because now I know he has put me in this very dark place it wasn't me.

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He left me I don't know what to do anymore . My depression has ended my marriage .Im all over the place I have a mortgage to pay for and bills and my pittance of a wage doesn't come close to living . It feels like I'm better giving up .

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