I REALLLLLY NEED HELP - any comments are welcome

[ba_london]

Hi everyone,

I really just need some insight and help. My mother's behavior has been concerning me for some time now and it is seriously beginning to worry me. I am 26 Years old and my mum is turning 56 in May. She has had a hard past which is understandable and I have ALWAYS been there for her. She has always used me as her anger outlet because I am always the one who took it. I don't feel sorry for myself I just want to know if I should genuinely be concerned about her mental state. I used to suffer from Anorexia and she was there for me as much as possible so I only want to do the same.

Let me explain some of what she does:

She has a HEART OF GOLD and is a diamond of a person...when she is in her good mood. However for a very long time now she has had serious episodes of unhappiness. Take this evening for example, everything for going lovely. she was being nice to me and hugging me and then we sat down to eat dinner. After that I got on my laptop and did some work and she asked me to go out and get my Dad something and pick up some ice cream for her and if I wouldn't mind cleaning up the kitchen after I got back, which I was happy to do so. She was perfectly happy when I left the house with my wife and when I got back 20 minutes later she was in the kitchen cleaning and I came in all happy and talking nicely and she just went ballistic. Calling me all sorts, telling me to f**k off home, calling me lazy saying we always use her like a servant, etc, etc.

To cut a long story short, My partner and I were at my mums place everyday because we want to support her, but out of the blue she will have these episodes where she will randomly start screaming and shouting like its the end of the world, she has even attacked my wife while I was at work. She gets so enraged with anger literally over nothing and will scream and shout...but not normal...like someone has physically attacked her. I took her on holiday to NY and Canada and the whole time there she argued with me and my wife's mum over breakfast, dinner, and got angry when everyone wasn't up at 6am! she can't seem to enjoy ANYTHING!!! she literally can not enjoy anything anymore because she's always looking for something to be upset about. she constantly says thats she's thought of suicide. She has even wished me dead because she found out that I was a Lesbian. Nether the less I have ALWAYS forgiven her...ALWAYS!!! I have always shown her respect and I have always tried and so does my wife but everytime she gets upset she takes it out on us. It has become really emotionally draining because she says extremely hurtful and mentally disturbing things aimed toward me and my wife. On the other hand she is supportive. The fact of the matter is there is so much I could write...its to the point where I can not take it. I have been in situations where I was scared to get out of bed in the morning fearful of the mood she might be in I'm 26 and she treats me like a child.

I really need some advice. Please ask questions and help me in figuring out what is the best thing to do because I can not take it anymore.

She is happy one minute and quite literally FURIOUS or depressed the next there is no middle to it and most the time, no cause!

Please someone help..PLEASE. I will answer all questions as much as I can.

Thank you.

[loggerslot]

Hi there, it sounds like a difficult situation but its really great that you and your wife are there unconditionally to support her. I believe I have come across someone who was in a similar situation to your mum but I couldn't figure out why she behaved the way she did with me, 1 minute good, then off and then ripping into me like she wants a reaction from me. I'm no expert in this field but she ended up taking medication on the long term basis.

I believe its not something you can discuss with your GP without your mother's consent otherwise its a breach of their practice. maybe a home visit by your GP? My advice would be to get in touch with samaritans and seek advice on what you can do. The last thing I want to advise you is to speak to your mum about seeing her GP, as we don't know how she will react. there maybe a better or diplomatic approach where you can make her realize her behaviour and think its time to get some help but being there alongside her every step of the way so she don't feel alone or that you think bad of her.

Not sure if I have been helpful in anyway

[Hidden]

I empathise with your difficulties on your mother's behaviour. What a confusing relationship, and I'm speaking through experience, but in a different way. Forgiving again and again does not appear to make any difference, and is it in your own best interests to do so? All I can suggest (and I'm sticking my neck out here), and your situation may not be connected to this at all, is for you to look up information on Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents and see if this strikes a chord with you (or not)........ Personally, I was releived to get to my own truth as the last part of the jigsaw puzzle, and if this doesn't belong to your situation, then be assured the truth for greater understanding will come at the right time.

Alice

[attatel]

This is such a hard situation for you. You obviously love your mum very much. I understand that your mum is ill, but I wonder if it wouldn't be an idea to distance yourself for a time? You mention your dad, so presumably he is around to keep an eye on her? I just think that this is all quite damaging for you, your wife and your relationship, and that maybe you need to take care of yourself for a while.

I don't mean to sound uncaring-for years I was ill with depression and anxiety, I was drinking heavily to cope with panic attacks and the medication I was on caused me to have manic episodes; my three kids suffered a lot from my rage, misery and behaviour I didn't even realise was unreasonable at the time. So I have a lot of sympathy for your mum.

Could you talk this over with your dad? He is the person who ideally would be providing main care for her rather than you and your wife taking it on-I don't what the situation is obviously.

You don't say whether your mum is taking any medication, but it might be worth discussing whether that might be making her behaviour worse-mine did- and perhaps changing prescription.

Certainly I would try to find a support group or counsellor for yourself-this is so difficult to deal with.

You sound like such an amazing loving person-I wish you all the best and hope you can get the best support for your mum and yourself.

[ba_london]

WOW guys, thank you very much for the responses...

There are plenty of situations that have occurred, most my friends tell me to distance myself but it just isn't possible unfortunately because then she tends to build up a lot of anger towards me and starts telling people that I do not care about her which is utterly untrue. I try to focus my life on positives and I try very hard to be proactive and make the most out of my life but it is very hard to do so, because of how badly my mums moods effect me.

She has been prescribed anti-depressants in the past but has never actually taken them I don't think and she's on the usual blood pressure tablets and stuff.

It has put a huge strain on my marriage, we are both scared because its almost as if we are forever treading on eggshells. I mean, we have had times where we sit there for 5-6 hours at a time trying to change her mood and comfort her and hug her and tell her everything is going to be OK and then eventually things will get sorted but that only lasts about 2 Weeks TOPS and then something else will happen.

She doesn't do it to my brother...and he treats her like crap. He never goes to see them and doesn't make an effort with them but I HAVE TO be there EVERYDAY otherwise she goes ballistic and gets abusive and violent.

She really does have a heart of gold and she would do anything for her children...but its when she gets like this and says things that hurts the most. I block it out for the most time but its gets hard...I've had my own issues in the past with depression and anorexia and its very hard when she says certain things because it almost makes me want to relapse...If it was't for the support and encouragement of my wife i am sure I would still result to self harming. But I am such a much stronger person and I really attack life with my all and I will be successful one day!! I love my mother with all my heart, and she helped me with everything but its just...surely because she has given so much she can't throw it in my face and use it in such a horrible way.

As for my dad, he is way too laid back to care. He ignores issues. I have had to beg him to help me because I can not mentally take the torment and my brother and my dad laugh at that. Sometimes my dad will get involved when it gets really bad

I just don't know what it can be...is it possible she has a mental illness ??

What should I be looking out for?

I want to help her...I need her to be happy

Thanks again for the replies guys,

your support means a lot.

X

[Hollyoaks1352 in reply to ba_london]

Hi i read this through and and what came into my mind was BIPOLAR its a short message but i feel you should consider the fact your mother is possibly bipolar.......

[Hidden]

I feel you really need to put yourself first, and for your own sake and sanity step back from the toxic situation which you describe as extremely abusive. You may need to think about having no contact or low contact with your mother, and set strong boundaries which may or may not work and you cannot make her change. Sometimes we can be too kind and caring at the expense of ourselves. Take some time out at least. This obviously is your own decision and something for you to think deeply about, needing space, time and reflection....... Hope you don't think I'm being too forthright, again this comes from my personal experience.......

Alice

[ba_london]

I understand and I appreciate you're in put..it's just...she's not what its coming across in the messages. I think it may be personal demons that she is battling with and vents it out on the people she knows won't take it personally. I mean yes...it is difficult and it does get bad at times but she is honestly a diamond of a person and would do anything for anyone...she has done everything for me and more..I think I just need to help her find someone she can talk to with no strings attached..maybe a therapist.

Thanks again guys

x

[bugsy33 in reply to ba_london]

One thing I didn't see mentioned is menopause. She may be a bit old but I knew a woman in her 60s that was still having it. I would guess either a hormonal imbalance or possibly early symptoms of Alzheimer's. It could be depression/anxiety or a phase or maybe something personal is going on with her that nobody knows about. I feel your pain and thought of the Narcissistic Mother page mentioned earlier. Hopefully, it isn't anything that serious and usually narcissists behave like that all of their lives. I don't think you become one overnight. Best of Luck to you. You could go low contact which is better than no contact. That's what my spouse did for awhile and just made excuses. It gave him a break anyway.

[Hidden]

Hi Bugsy If you re-read the post you may understand that this has always been her behaviour and is not an overnight occurrence........

Alice