Hi I have never written on a forum before so not really sure what to expect .I am now 30 and the cycle of destroying everything i love *including myself* keeps going . I get to a point when I just start to sabotage myself , relationships, work, friends. I experience depressive thoughts and stop going to work , blame it on the flu or something similar. I used to self medicate with drugs *for some years* but realized that it was only making it worse after a major breakdown in 2012. Sometimes i just sit in my room for days without going outside , somehow i still have my job * have eventually told them about the depression&anxiety* so was signed off. Now I am about to start sertraline again. Not taken this since 2012. I dont know what to do anymore. Just feel useless and have nothing to offer anyone apart from negativity and sadness. I was abused when I was a child by my grandad i thought i had processed this but everytime a self destruct cycle comes back i realized I have not.
H x
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bonbon96
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I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I relate to what you're saying (especially the part about skipping work due to fabricated illness, which I am doing as we speak!)
I was actually reading this morning about self sabotage and I came across transactional analysis (which a therapist had mentioned to me last year) I don't know if you'll find it helpful but its certainly helped me to think about my adaptive behaviours that I developed due to childhood trauma (avoiding responsibility, fabricating illness, sabotaging relationships) and to think about these in a non judgmental, supportive way (instead of beating myself up)
It's terrible what happened to you as a child and I am so sorry that you went through that. Have you ever received counselling? Have you heard of inner child healing ( I know it sounds really hippie dippie) It's related to whats in the above article - healing your wounded child to help ease up the adaptive behaviours you've developed to keep yourself 'safe'. Might be good to have professional support with that though so as to handle any difficult emotions that come up.
Try to remember that you are not ALL sadness and negativity even though it feels like it. that is just the state you're in at the minute. somewhere inside you there is a joyful and passionate person and they will come back with time. Be gentle with yourself and know that you can recover and that it will be worth it.
No worries! If you ever want to talk or even just vent your feelings I'm happy to listen (well...read!) I'm new to this forum too but already finding it really useful as everyone here is all in it together.
You've been through such a horrible time but you made the right decision to tell your employers of your anxiety and depression and now you are about to start a course of anti- depressants, so that's two positive moves
Lots of us that have suffered like you, including abuse and the scars remain as you are very well aware. Have you family support or someone you can confide in and receive support? if not remember, we are here anytime.
You've had a lovely reply already and you can be sure there is always someone around to offer a listening ear and a few kind words.
U need to love yourself and be your best friend and own therapist. It sounds in possible because the way u feel makes everything sound pointless. The truth is you're stuck in a cycle of obsessive negative thoughts. You're living in the past and reinforcing your own hell. I know how hard it is to get out of bed or to stay awake. I just quit weed after smoking for over 10 years(self medicating) and finally feel more control over my mind to finally help myself. All of us who suffer from depression have one thing in common.. we our deep thinkers! We overthink and analyze everything! What your grandfather did to u will always be apart of u but u gotta love heal the wound. Your inner child needs to know it's still worthy of love and a balanced life. It doesn't define u it's apart of your battle scars and your story. Your story will be the link your success in life. Be proud of who you are and what you have been through. I know u have no energy and feel trapped in your body but it's time to start taking care of yourself in baby steps. U need to take vitamin d, magnesium, omega 3 and check your iron levels and b12. Drinking plenty of water and eating a balanced diet really helps u feel better mentally. Getting outside and going for a run or light jog makes u feel connected and alive. U need to make feel alive. U can stay doing what you're doing until u have truly had enough. This isn't a race this is a journey and stop being hard on yourself! Imagine how u would feel if u saw someone u love or a little child being so cruel to themselves... be a third party to yourself u must work on being self aware without taking it so personally. This seems like all too much which is why baby steps. Turn that sadness into anger and use that anger to push u. U have nothing to lose when you're at rock bottom. I don't believe in religion but I believe in a higher power and this incredible universe .. talk out loud so u can hear yourself and pray out loud for help. Look into the power of now, the law of attraction, how your thoughts create your reality. I'm no better than u. I have suffered since a kid(28) and I'm just now figuring my c*** out. U aren't alone and this is something u don't want to run away from. We don't need to be cured we just want to thrive! U can't rush this u just have to take your time. Keep posting here and reply to others. Helping others heals u and makes u stronger.
i can say am in the same boat, i truly believe that we shall get help here.
at the moment, i have started to do a few things to help me slowly; listening to good music, breathe in hard to relax myself when i get weird thoughts, i try to stay in a place that has people even if i dont know or get along with them to keep away suicidal thoughts. take walks around my neighborhood, do some charity. these really give me a smile
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